This Sh** Is Bananas

I recently heard a friend lament about how he would like a vacation from life. Amen. A guy got his head bashed in today at work. I am trying to schedule a personal visit to the Remand centre to see a family member. I may have cable, but I may also have bed bugs. I need a break from life. More and more it seems apparent that my line of work chose me so that I can better deal with my personal life. Fun. So very much fun. I need a break. Amen? Amen.

Ring-A-Ling!

Hi there. It is Christmas. I moved into my new house at the beginning of the month. Our furnace broke down not once, but twice. We got fumigated for bed bugs twice. My stove doesn't work. Some pipes are frozen due to poor insulation. My vitamin D is low and I think I might have SAD. My toes got a little frost bite. I could go on and on. But instead I will just say that my dream to be left alone while in community has finally been realized. I am a home owner. I have my own kitchen (with no stove...). I have my own kitchen.

Back to Christmas. My mom got a Wii. She really likes fake bowling. I really like to watch her fake bowl. I got a letter from my aunt. The gist of the letter was that she is good friends with one of the dudes that I wrote a fan letter to. I think he showed her the card and she said "hey, that's my niece". Weird. I'm not so sure how I feel about one more person more fully realizing that my social skills are not always up to par. I wrote someone a fan letter. I warm hearts. I wish someone would warm my feet. I wish I were a little bit taller/wish I were a baller/wish I had a...

Hello, Cupcake!

About 3 hours ago I was thinking that I may never blog again. I usually write when I am terribly sad or terribly happy or excited or bored or when I think that maybe the world needs a little more of me. Lately I have been feeling...well, nothing. I am more tired than anything. We got the house and we get possession in eight days. I am excited. But not that excited. And not that happy. The winter is a fun fun time in my life. 

But I went for a walk to the library this evening. I checked the holds section even though I was pretty sure that I didn't have any materials waiting for me. Was I ever wrong. I have been waiting for about 2 months for a particularly delightful book with pretty pictures. Today was the day. Without warning, "Hello, Cupcake!" was sitting on the shelf waiting for me. For me! I jumped up and down. I can still hardly believe it. I feel like for at least a night a cloud has been lifted and I am free. Free to dream of sugary (gluten free) snacks. Free to dream about making people jealous with my soon to be acquired mad cupcake decorating skills. Free. Hello, Cupcake. Nice to meet you.

Happy Thoughts

I am planning an airband party for Halloween. I am really excited. I love love airbands. I love dancing. I love dressing up. I love it.

Friday, October 31
At Circles: 9954-111 Avenue
Doors at 10:00 pm
Cover $5

I need more airband in my life. You do too.

Scaredy Cat

Someone tried following me home not once, but twice this week. I am not afraid of many things. I am afraid of going into space. Space travel is unnatural and I feel like I am going to puke when I think of it. I am afraid of someone accidentally feeding me gluten - or sneakily feeding me meat. Gluten hurts me for weeks and meat makes me cry. I am not usually afraid of people. I felt quite afraid this week. I am not accustomed to the feeling and I don't like it. I like to walk. I like to walk to work. I like to walk at night. I like my independence and I refuse to let myself live the life that many tell me is my destiny. You know, be afraid. Find a man for protection. Learn how to make a roast. I am not going to use my gender or age as an excuse to not live the life that I deserve. I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to live life to the full. But I also don't want to be...stupid...careless. How do I know if I the choices I make are motivated by discernment or fear? I decided to drive to work for the next week. Fear or discernment? ?? ???

(This isn't overly related to the post, but it brought me comfort and peace.)
"O Lord, open my eyes that I may see the needs of others; open my ears that I may hear their cries; open my heart so that they need not be without succor; let me not be afraid to defend the weak because of the anger of the strong, nor afraid to defend the poor because of the anger of the rich ... And so open my eyes and my ears that I may this coming day be able to do some work of peace for thee. "- Alan Paton

I Cried

I was at a conference today with work. And I cried many times - once during a pop song. (A lame-ass move, I know). I do not encourage music to be played during lectures. This bias was strongly reinforced last year when I heard Brennan Manning speak at the Micah Challenge conference. He had a boom box and he played songs during his talks. Cheesy Christian songs. I found it terribly awkward. Terribly.

Today I was at the Schizophrenia Conference and it was great, but the day was hard to get through. A number of the speakers talked about addiction and mental illness. I am having a very emotive response to addictions right now due to some family stuff. It's nothing new, but we are in the midst of a flare up. It's in my face. It fills my thoughts. It fills my heart. (Only love can break my heart). I was feeling vulnerable and then the speaker played the song "How to Save a Life". I don't let myself like things that suck. I don't like the song. It sucks. But it made me cry. I didn't want to cry. I mean, seriously, I was on the clock and it's one of those songs that is supposed to make you cry. I don't want to turn into one of those people. You know, one of those people who rents a romantic movie every Friday night and cries when whatever happens in romantic movies that makes people cry. (I want to remain one of those people who stays at home on a Friday night with a Macbook and a glass of Sangria and cries and cries alone. Yah, that's much better...). It's uncomfortable crying while working. Don't get me wrong, if I could get paid every time I cried I could pay off my student loans a little quicker, and maybe get a new winter jacket... Anyway...I am not nearly as desperate as I probably sound, but I am still sad. 

I appreciate the grittiness of life. The risk of pain enriches life - love. I can't even image love without risk. Love would be cheap without it. But when the pain is active, I lighten up a little. Pain sucks. It just sucks. My mind is on a beautiful boy that I have watched grow for 20 years. Little brother, you are loved more than you can even imagine. The Creator has not forgotten you. I have not forgotten you. You will never be forgotten. You are already forgiven. Get well soon. xxooxo angie

Toxic Coccyx

At my Bowen appointment yesterday, she worked on my kidneys. And my coccyx. Uh-huh. Down there. Apparently the coccyx is flexible and can get pushed under or over or something and can cause much pelvic pain. So she went down there and did a little Bowen move. I can't wait for my next appointment! I can't even wait.
(My apologies to all who were hoping for all body talk to be restricted to my body blog. So very sorry).

Closing Sucks

That's right, it sucks. The mortgage company got our would-be-house appraised and APPARENTLY the house is worth about $140 000 less than what we were prepared to pay for it. Whaaaa??? Funny thing is, the seller got the house appraised about 100 days ago, and the house is APPARENTLY worth $30 000 more than what we were going to pay. A $170 000 discrepancy between appraisals is kind of a big deal. We have an extension on the closing date so we can get the place appraised again (if we decide to). Fun fun. I know that I am a grown up and that I can handle responsibility, but I really don't know what I'm doing. Ever.

Sad Girl

I am sad. I have been all week. I am a sad girl listening to the Eels. Okay, so I may have some melancholy tendencies. And I may embrace my emotions more than necessary. I get it. Now that we've gotten that out of the way - I am sad. I originally blamed it on a broken heart due to yet another round of sibling drama. Blah. That set off my sadness, but the sad has decided it likes my body and loves kicking my ass. I went for a walk instead of going to the zoo this morning. During the walk, I came to the conclusion that the sad is likely due to my maybe house. I don't think it's due to the stress of getting everything done on time or getting the mortgage approved or even scrimping together enough money for everything. I think it's because it's a dream that I've had for years. It's a dream that the Creator talked to me about. It's a dream for intentional community and simple living. It's a dream of a continuous dance party. I really believe this is something the Creator wants for my life. Maybe not this house in particular, but living in community again. So of course I'm going to feel like garbage when it's all coming together. All that is not Love wants me to feel bad and put rotten thoughts in my head and make me worried about friendships. Well, I'm still melancholy, and I still let my emotions dictate pretty much everything, but I am going to be a little more critical of my sad. Yes, my heart hurts. Big heffing deal. There is much good. There is dance.

Money Money Money

Highlights of my day have included NOT getting mugged at the "sketchiest" Mac's store in all of the city. I had some banking drama this week. I have a free account where I can't see any one in person. It's been great so far because it's...free. Last week I tried to transfer a bunch of money so that I could write a fat cheque for our deposit. Our closing date is this Monday! My transfer didn't go through. I called my bank to make sure that it would go through and she assured me that it would. My cheque bounced on Wednesday. Because my bank is all on-line and over the phone I couldn't really get a bank draft. I tried to get a money order from the post office, but they denied me because it was for too much(?). My solution was to call and get my withdrawal limit increased for a couple of hours. Because I only had a couple of hours to get that money out, I decided to do the efficient thing and take my money out of the bank machine at the Mac's. So... I withdrew $5000 in 20 dollar bills and deposited it in the bank. Thank you God for protecting me. It is a miracle that I didn't get rolled.

P-zing!

What a week. I woke up Wednesday thinking, "Wow. I can't believe it's Friday already". Yup. Awesome. Work was insane. I had too many meetings to think or do my job. Plus, we're trying to buy a house. Plus, I'm bored so I am once again flirting with going back to school. I can't go back to school. I can hardly cover the payments from my last student loans. Egad. Formal education is such an expensive habit. The School of Hard Knocks - pretty economical. 

I felt hyped up all day Friday. I had a lot of catching up to do and a life sucking interaction and set up a business account. Fortunately, I had my second Bowen massage. I like it. It is somewhat relaxing and no disgusting oils and a gentle realignment. Sigh. Then I bought gf pizza (olive and pineapple) and watched Laverne and Shirley for the first time (my new favorite show) and then ate Pop Rocks (p-zing!) and Hot Tamales (!) and Turtles (!!). I feel sick today. Ha. I know that eating garbage makes me feel like garbage. Part of the problem is that I really like walking to the store to buy candy, and then eating the candy right outside the store because I just can't wait. I am a sucker for anything that tricks me into feeling 14. Walking with headphones and my hands in my pockets. Knee high socks and mary janes. Plastic earrings. The 14 is not worth the sick. When will I learn.

Tonight I am going to the Sing-a-long edition of Mamma Mia! Hopefully the sciatica won't be acting up (if you know what I mean...). 

p-zing, 

angie

! ! !

Hold onto your seats, friends. Do I have news for you! After years of hoping and praying one of my greatest dreams is getting awfully close to reality. We negotiated a deal(!) on the 4-plex (!) and now we're just scrambling for finances and all the closing stuff (!!!). Did you heffing hear me?(!) ! 

This is kind of a big deal. 

!

It won't be a for-sure thing until the end of the month, but if all goes as planned, I will be moving into my very own apartment in January. I can paint. I can dance. I can write with no pants on. I can make it a no-chemical, no gluten, no-meat zone. Did you heffing hear me? (!) 

I have never lived on my own and am very excited to. I am not the best roommate. I am chronically grouchy. I am always in the public space. I am always me. I think I will do well on my own for awhile. Yah!

Creeper

I tend to walk the fine line between cute and creepy. Last night was a prime example. I thought that it would be a good idea to write "fan letters" to two people that I am fans of. I mean, who wouldn't want a fan letter? I could use a fan letter. So, I bought two cute cards and wrote what I thought were cute and funny things about how I am a fan. I read them to a couple friends who didn't think that it was too bad of an idea. I thought it was my best idea ever until I reached into my purse to pull them out. As I passed them to the objects of my "fandom" I said: here is the nerdiest thing I've done all month. Yup. I don't know if I will EVER be able to make eye contact with either of them again...ever. I woke up a few times throughout the night - each time remembering that I am a dork. Regret, regret. If only I could pull off my stunts with more confidence and without regret. But, no. The regret lingers and lingers. Sigh...

For Better or Worse

We put an offer on a house! But not the house that I have a crush on.  One of my "business partners" asked if I was sad to say good bye to the house that I crushed on. I'm not sad. The house that we put an offer on is sensible. It has a perfect layout (2 one-bedrooms, 1 three-bedroom, and 1 two-bedroom). It has a yard. It has apple trees and peonies. It is in a safer neighborhood. That last one was made me most hesitant. I love the gritty. The house that we put an offer on is marriage material. It wasn't what I was expecting in some ways, but it really suits us. The house that I have a crush on just needs so much work. It is adorable and hilarious and so fun. It is in an exciting neighborhood. But it would need way too much put into it in order for it to work. I am really hoping we can negotiate a deal soon. I am also hoping that my sensibleness in regards to real estate will translate into other areas of my life...

You Smell Like Meat

I only work one evening a month. We play a movie in the drop in. Things are great. Tonight was my night. Tonight was also the night that someone broke a window in my car and then poured his or her drink all over the interior. Can you say vandalism? I am annoyed. It was meant to piss me off and it does. Was it because I wouldn't let you collect a drug debt in our building? Was it because I wouldn't dance with you? Or because I didn't smile enough? Was it just totally random? It could have been a hell of a lot worse. I am so thankful that if someone felt the need to damage something of mine that it was my car and not my leg. I think the thing that makes me the most annoyed is that this act of vandalism gives people that I love a bad name. Seriously, dude. Not cool.

Woke Up With Brain on My Head

I am attempting to go more natural with my "beauty" routine. I am slowly learning about the ingredients that go into most cosmetics. I am still reacting to eye make up and I decided it's time to make some more changes. I have also decided to stop colouring my hair. I know that the chemicals in hair colour are not good for me or the earth. Good bye nice hair. Hello my hair. I have only about 3 inches of natural hair colour. Last night I discovered that I have a patch of gray. I know that I have some stray grays, but I did not know that I have a patch. I am quite excited about it. I got my girls to go through my hair last night to see if I have more patches. I don't. I am trying to embrace aging while I am still young. I was hoping that my acne would be gone before I got wrinkles. Maybe it still will. (Fat chance). 

I am still thinking about age a lot. I feel like my inner age is 14. I love sneakers, knee socks, cute pop music, and skipping races. My actual age is twice as old as my inner age. I have a young face and a very old creaky body. I get annoyed when older people tell me how lucky I am to be young because when I get old, then my body will start to shut down. Gee whiz. (Hello middle finger, nice to see ya). I hope that when my hair shows that I'm not 23 that I'll be treated like a grown up. But then will my sneakers, knee socks, pop rock, and skipping be deemed inappropriate? Bah. Perhaps I will be mature when I stop obsessing about what other people think about me. There's a goal.

We looked at a building this week. I loved it. It is in a perfect neighborhood on a perfect street. The house is adorable and very strange. It would need a lot of work. Adding bathrooms, updating kitchens, taking out and adding some walls. It's a dream come true. I couldn't sleep that night. I have a crush on a house. I keep on picturing our life together. I really need to start going out more around people.  Wanna be my friend? 

Mush Up

1. Would you interrupt a conversation with the pope?
2. I had a dream last night that I was at a reunion of sorts. Family and people from school. My mom was there and we were sleeping outside by a fire. We moved indoors where George W. Bush came to the door polling about the upcoming election. He asked me who I was going to vote for and I kept on telling that I wasn’t able to vote in the election. “Je suis canadienne”. What? “Je…suis…canadienne. I cannot vote because I am not a US citizen”. “But if you were who would you vote for?” “I’m not entirely sure, but probably for the Democratic party”. And then he left.
3. Eep! Opp! Ork!
4. Long weekend.
5. We're finally looking at a property. It looks like a hilarious building. Hilarious.

Car Sick for the Dope Sick

I was out at camp with work for the first part of this week. It was fun and beautiful and for the first time in my adult life I thought that I could maybe live out of a city. Today I got woken up at seven and told that one of the campers was really sick. By 9, I was in the car accompanying the camp staff and the camper. The day that we went out to camp, I took a gravol because I didn't want to vomit on the bus. I felt groggy and gross all day, but I did not feel nauseous. Today I decided to not take a gravol and just wear the "sea sick bracelets". I felt sick almost immediately but I was doing okay. My plan was to take the camper to her doctor and then walk back to the centre and meet the camp staff to get a ride out of town. Instead, I got sicker and sicker. When we were about 5 blocks from our destination, I had to hop out of the car, run to the garbage can at the bus stop (puking in my hands on the way to the garbage can), with a captive audience of people getting onto the bus. Fortunately I had a hoodie to wipe my hands and my face on. Heidi works close by so I stopped by a begged for a gravol. Then I walked over to the clinic to be with the camper, and I informed the camp staff that I would NOT be getting back in her car and I would stay in the city. I waited with the camper until the middle of her treatment when she got off the bed, walked out of the clinic and laid on the grass. I asked if she was going back into the clinic and she said no. I asked if she was sure that she didn't want any help from the doctor. Nope, she just wanted to lay on the grass. So I went back to work. Yeah, did I mention that all my stuff was at camp because I was intending on going back later that morning? Did I mention that all my keys were in my bag at the camp? Did I mention that I just vomited and then took a gravol? Did I mention that I didn't have my roommate's work number in my cell phone, and that the one person with an extra set of keys to my place is camping in BC? Did I mention that I was dirty and wearing flip flops?

The rest of my day revolved around trying to figure out what to do. I tried to find my roommate at work, but I don't actually know where she works. I had a cell phone and 5 dollars in my pocket. I have been sick traveling before and it's not fun. I hold the belief that the Creator does not inflict illness, but I do think that today may have been carefully orchestrated. Lately it seems that I've lost a degree of compassion for people. Being ill and messy and carrying a plastic bag with a vomit encrusted sweater without a home (at least for the afternoon) was humbling and reminded me how tough life can be. It's time for me to let go of my sadness and embrace what the Creator is free to give. My heart will get broken again, and I will get disappointed, and I will feel exhausted, and the Creator will redeem me and heal me.

I think my sense of being "burnt out" revolves around my desire for my heart to not get broken anymore.  The truth is it hurts. My favorite guy started using needles. My childhood best friend loves me but doesn't like me. Buddy Holly is dead. Dinosaurs are extinct. My heart just breaks and breaks. I considered just turning my heart off. Of not caring anymore. What is it that makes me so...breakable? The great prophet Neil Young provides me with much comfort. "But only love can break your heart". I guess it could be worse. Thank you for the gift of life. Thank you for the gift of gravol. Thank you for heart breaking love. 

Slightly Less Awkward Together

My dear friend Heidi is looking for a new car, and is considering a Yaris sedan. I think it would be so cute to see my little hatchback with her little sedan just cuddling. I wonder what the offspring of 2 yaris would be? Yari? Yariss? I recently found myself telling an acquaintence that Heidi and I aren't dating. It just looks like it. Jess and I used to go to the Goodwill just off of Whyte at least a couple times a month (until it closed - boo!). I think one of the boys that worked there thought that we were in love. We were. Just not with each other (but sometimes with the same cardigan). 

I have been thinking of my awkwardness more lately. It has become somewhat debilitating. I really don't like making new friends. There are so many awesome people in this world that I don't know and if I just stick to the ones that I do know I am missing out on who knows what. I am taking this week off to screw my head back on. I am taking time to cook and organize and yoga and read and write. There are many things that I need to change in my life. I need to start eating my seeds again. I need to start the castor oil pack. I need to downward facing dog and triangle pose. I need to get lost somewhere. I need to write. I need to pray. I need to relearn how to embrace my "other abled-ness" social skills. I feel it most at church and around churched people. I don't know what my problem is. I am a churched people. Okay, so this is my plan. I am going to go to church tomorrow and I will walk in faith that the Creator will heal me of my awkwardness. And if I still feel remnants of my former awkward self that will be just fine. It will be just fine. 

I went to the zoo today and I did 2 cartwheels. I also walked by many for sale signs. We are almost ready to start looking for properties. Hoot!

Modern School Girl

The months of stressing about my stupid 10 year reunion are now behind me. I am not so good in most social situations, and found myself clinging to the much more popular Heidi. It was nice to see some people and I became relieved with the way my life has turned out. I wanted an education. I got an education. I wanted a career. I have a career. I wanted love and fun and happiness. I have everything that I dreamed of. I spent the day with Heidi and the smartest kid in school. As we caught up with people and told them what we were doing (social work, community health nurse, and engineer) people would often respond with: that fits. That's not a surprise. I now wish that I would have told people that I was an accountant. I wonder if responses would have been the same.
I am self aware. I am aware of what I'm thinking, feeling, how my bowels respond to ____. But I've never been very good at knowing what people think of me. I'm too introverted and shy to ever be popular. I dance too loud and messy to ever be pretty. I have too many opinions to ever be a pleasant party people. I have absolutely no idea what people think of me. So, it was a bit surprising to hear that some of my former classmates were cognizant enough of my existence to actually have expectations for my life.
The fair was fair. The tractor pull was dampened by the rain and the fact that my heart was broken by two boys I love who don't seem to reciprocate the feeling. I was able to catch up with a couple people I hadn't seen in years and I am even going to work towards becoming facebook friends with them. I also got to hang out with my niece. I don't see her often enough and she is getting bigger and more alert. I hope that she ends up looking like me. Then she cannot deny that I am related to her. Ha! I am going to teach her about so many things. About vegetarianism, and how to use a sewing machine, and second hand shopping, and global trading practices, and how the senate was originally created to equalize the provinces, and Jesus. We are going to have a blast. It's strange to think of how my kids (if I have kids) will likely have such different childhoods from their cousins. My children will likely grow up with little money. They will have to pick only one sport to play. They will eat their veggies. I hope that those kids will get along. And that is the end of this post.

Stick Shifts and Tractor Pulls

I totally need a vacation. I have taken to yelling at clients on a regular basis and I don't even feel bad about it. I think justified anger is almost never justifiable. It's usually a bad sign in my life. I was pissed yesterday because I busted my butt finding accommodation for my hardest to house client. I was successful - but the client didn't follow through with picking up the rent money. Not cool. This morning I managed to track the person down, drive the person to pick up the cheque, go to the bank to cash the cheque, take the money to the accommodation, pay the rent, and put the receipt on file. That is good. What else is good? Yesterday at Yahtzee, two people rolled two Yahtzees each. I know. I rolled zero Yahtzees. I felt a bit hurt by the dice. But my wounds will heal.

I am heading to Vermilion tonight. The fair started yesterday. Tomorrow I will be lunching with some people from high school. And then I will be going to the tractor pull. I cannot stop thinking about how I can't wait for those tractors. I will probably be entertained for about 1o minutes, but the anticipation will stay with me forever.

Hmm...what else? The mortgage people called me yesterday to ask some questions. Here's a quick update on the housing community thing. After looking at a number of options, my crew has decided to not become a co-op, and not be joint tenants, or any of the other options that I've written about. We decided to incorporate as a business. The business will be buying a building, we will help the mortgage by putting in share loans that the business will one day pay us back. We will be renting from the company. We talked to an accountant for feedback, and he thought that the idea was fabulous. Now, when I give the latest update to my folks, I can say: listen, the accountant said it was a fabulous idea. I am totally addicted to real estate websites. I think I will go into withdrawal when we finally buy a place.

Ninja School

I was exceptionally grouchy today. I ended up sleeping in until 8 and then took my sweet time showering and eating breakfast and then decided to drive when I was supposed to be starting work. As I was pulling up to the building, a guy called me a bitch. I guess he thought that I would have hit him had I taken an extra 20 seconds to turn the corner. Then, the dumpster was moved closer to my parking space. Grr... And there was a jacket on the ground that I was going to run over. I went to pick it up and realized that there was shit on the ground. I was cursing up a storm by this point. The first people that I saw once I was in the building is one of my most difficult clients. I yelled at her. The day continued on in much of the same way. But we decided to have a debrief over drinks. That balanced things out a bit.

On a different note...

I really like Woodpigeon and these pretty words force me to love them:

I went to Ninja School to learn how to murder you with just one little punch

Never Going to Sleep

I have a bad case of the post-dance adrenaline "what have I done?" pumping through my body. I sure hope that I can fall asleep soon so I can be bright and perky for my 8 am meeting tomorrow. 

Door is Officially Closed

I have decided that my distaste for dating and dudes is much stronger than a fear of always having to sleep in the kitchen. So that door, at least in the blogosphere, is now closed. 

And, you may be interested in the fact that I angrily yelled at a deaf woman this week. I was really really angry. 

Longest Weekend Ever

Highlights of the past weekend:
* Friday night right after work. Party #1. Funny, funny, funny. I left the party at 7:30. I witnessed (second hand) what multiple 3 oz martinis can do to a person by 7:30. Yikes.
* Friday later evening. Party #2. Went to a dance club. Dance beats that I could not dance to. Girls dancing on platforms. Girls with wings swinging. Eww.
* Saturday morning. Mom woke me up by calling but didn't leave a message. She and dad once again neglected to give me any warning that they were coming to town. I missed them. They ran into friends at the Art Walk. Mom told my friend that she really hopes I find a partner. Awkward.
* Saturday afternoon. Went to a meeting. The key member was driving back to the province. Meeting rescheduled.

* Saturday early evening. Went to a modern dance performance. I am now going to try to convince all my friends to join me in a collaborative dance troupe.

* Saturday mid-evening. Nachos. I eat them once in a while now and they don't kill me. I had a headache and a nurse gave me a Tylenol. I asked what the 3 meant on the back (I hate coedine) and she said "300 mg" and I said "okay" then put it in my mouth. Then spit it back out when she said "wait! 3?"
* Saturday late evening. Keg party at Andy's.
* Sunday morning. Church was good. I liked it.

* Sunday early evening. The door bell rang. I thought it was a friend. It was someone looking for food. Maybe some soup. After looking through my cupboards, I ended up giving him a banana and a red pepper. It may be time to go shopping.
* Sunday evening. Party #3. I washed my punch bowl. Put frozen juice concentrate in bowl. Small crack formed. I said "it's just a small crack, it's not leaking, it'll be okay". I proceeded to pour litre after litre into the bowl. The bowl broke in two, covering me in juice. I think the floor will be sticky for the next four months.
* Sunday evening continued. Friend came back from lake. Friend went to garage sale. Friend bought me pink converse high tops. Size 7.

Dropped My Keys

In my younger days, I thought the "oops, I dropped my keys" exaggerated butt-in-the-air was the funniest of all things. I just dropped my keys in the drop in and someone requested that I do it again. It wasn't funny. In fact, I mouthed the words F*** OFF! It's a little bit funny now.

Sh...

I touched a towel that had shit on it. I was taking some towels out of the washer and I broke my "wear gloves always" rule and grabbed them with my bare hands. As I was pulling them out I noticed a big piece of glass in the washer. Then I realized that the towel I was holding had shit on it. Shit. I am watching "Up in Smoke" for the first time. I am now a woman of the world.

Blood Money

Augh. One step forward, fifty steps back. I am feeling a bit discouraged right now. Why did we decide that money is adequate compensation for pain? I know someone who bought an RV with their residential school settlement. I know someone who bought hookers and mouthwash with their residential school settlement. I need balance. Sometimes I wish that I didn't love the people that I love. I would then be without love, and I guess that wouldn't make me feel any more balanced. Would life be any easier if I felt drawn to care for middle-class stay at home moms? I wish I could find reprieve from my life for just a little while. I guess that's what dancing and sewing machines are for. I know life isn't about being easy but why does it have to be so much about pain?

Knock Knock

Looking for a Door

The almost 30 thing is still in my thoughts. I like my life in general. It is not perfect, but I am generally happy in it. I have really good people in my life. I have an ipod full of awesomeness, I am able to go to the library multiple times a week. Life is quite good. I am single. That is also quite good. I don't deal with boy drama very well and I have enough drama in other areas of my life. Due to my self awareness, and my distaste for unnecessary drama, I am unable to really enter the casual dating  scene. I am almost 30 and everyone knows that if you are not married by 30, then you might as well join the group at church for the perpetually single. This means that I now have less than 2 years to find myself a husband or I will be single forever and never get a choice room when visiting my folks. Only couples get a good room. I will have to move a mattress into the kitchen every Christmas for the rest of my life. I want a room with a door. In order to get a door, I first need to get a husband. So it is time. 

This is not an easy task for me. I am very particular and somewhat snotty and I don't really like guys. I can and do like guys, but I don't really like guys as a category. As a category, men yell out the windows of their SUVs. They drive SUVs. They....  Because of the dirty few I respond to all with my scowl of death. The scowl of death is not going to help me get a door.

This is all I am looking for. Appropriate age. Not a committed meat eater. Social justice advocate. Likes music. Nice pants. Likes Jesus. Now why is that so hard? Probably because I give every boy I meet the scowl of death. Maybe I should change my goal from getting a door to getting a puppy. Or develop a shopping addiction. I could go shopping with my puppy. It would be so awesome. 

ps. Listen to Bon Iver. You will not be disappointed.

Hit and Run

I am almost 30. Just thought I should get that out in the open. In less than 2 years I will be 30. And that's okay. It will all be okay.

I had a really good birthday weekend. I took off Friday and Monday and today is Canada Day so I was able to really extend the birthday. I had a fun party on Friday. There was a fire and an airband and love. The next day I was very sick because I had a deep tissue massage on Friday and I neglected to drink 20 litres of water and I was super dehydrated. Ha. Sunday was my birthday and I ate a cookie during church and then I saw some family. My middle brother ended up coming! He is making some changes to his life and he's doing so well. It was really good to see him. 

I went to Heidi's after the family gathering. I decided to go out and get sushi because I was hungry and I like to eat every day. I drove and on my way back I was involved in a hit and run with a pedestrian. I was at a red light as it turned green I started to drive. I didn't see anyone in front of me and then bang! This girl ran into my side mirror and then continued running to the sidewalk. I waited a few seconds to see if she was alright and then she kept on running. I was upset because she could have been hurt. But she ran into me. I tried to track her down but I couldn't find her. Happy Birthday to me.  

Yesterday I convinced Heidi to hang out with me yet again. I wanted to find a top for a skirt for a function in a few weeks. We went to the big mall. I found a jacket that looked very promising. I went to try it on with a skirt that I brought from home and then realized that I didn't have my bag with me. I freaked. I retraced my steps and eventually I went to the right store and it was behind the counter. Whew. That would have sucked. The jacket worked. The outfit is now complete. I am ready to party in a fancy kind of way. 

OMG

Hey you effers, do I have a story for you! I have been quite stressed the last week and a bit because some I know was getting a really large chunk of money as repayment for being abused as a youngster. I was able to support him through the process of getting his ID (not his id - it was already there), paperwork, walking him to the Service Canada centre, etc. I was quite concerned because a large amount of money could sure kill a person with addictions issues. He came in on Thursday sober and with his partner. His cheque came in that day. Together we went to the bank, opened an account, put almost all the money away with a little left over for a couple of bikes. It was perfect. Thank you God. I think that may be my first good story ever. 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

It’s almost been a year since my last birthday party. Yes, it is that time of the year when I cry a lot and feel disappointed with both myself and the world. I had high hopes for this past year, but it turned out different that I had expected and hoped. This year was a year of waiting. It was the unseen progress stage of a number of projects. Things have happened, but I have yet to see the results. I am one impatient dude. My work, my volunteering, my housing. I've been waiting on these major areas and am still waiting. I am sure that I will see a lot of changes in the next year. I better. Or else...
On a happier note, friends are letting me have a party at their place. I haven't planned a party since I rented the hall for the airband party - more than a year and a half ago. I am so excited. I am making cake, and bringing my punch bowl. I made a music list. Maybe this time next year I will throw a party at my own place with a yard. And a baby. I mean a puppy. I mean a new pair of jeans.

Hollywood Ending

My best friday ever was today. It included driving all the cool kids to our work retreat at the lake; watching a crappy movie with Jess about regatone; dancing with Jess to regatone; enjoying some spirits with Jess; communion with Jess and Jesus; Jess sleeping on my couch as I type. I like having friends. I am tired and am impressed with my ability to spell and push most of the right keys. I probably shouldn't publish this, but I probably will...right after spell check.

FORE!!!

I went to the library this evening and the cute boy was there, and so were some books. I the went to the mall because it was open. I was wearing a nerdy sweater vest and I decided to look for shorts. I tried on a pair of plaid shorts, and with my vest and "make me puke they're so cute" socks with pompoms on I looked ready to hit the greens (or a more appropriate euphemism for going golfing). So I bought those shorts. My summer wardrobe is now complete. I can't wait to make some golf jokes. I can not wait. 

Flew the Coop

Okay, so my 2 posts in one day is an obvious sign of my high level of emotionality. I'm a deep feeler and I am home alone. Cut me some slack. 

We are not going to form as a cooperative. It just happened. One of our members sadly informed the group today that she doesn't feel right about joining the co-op. So we took 2o steps back and started from the beginning and decided that with the smaller group that it would not be unreasonable to buy a building with a shared mortgage as joint tenants (or tenants in common - I'm not sure which one yet). It can happen quicker, and we won't need the help of the consultant. We don't have to become a legal entity. It will be simple. We each need to get pre-approved for a mortgage and then we can look for a building while HS tries to sells her place. We buy a building and then we move in and live happily ever after until someone decides they want out.  Awesome? Yes. 

I sometimes have a hard time deciding what I want and what I think I should want. I really thought that I should want to do something noble and good and giving like start a continuing co-op where people for years ahead will be able to have good, affordable housing. That is a good thing to want. But what I really want is to make an investment to help supplement my small wage at my noble and good and giving job. I am not a saint. I am not perfect. And, I have an overwhelming student debt.... I am excited because the building will still be focused on community, simplicity, sharing, and dance parties. I will just be slightly better off financially in the end than I would if we did the coop thing. I feel good about pursing this want. It's not like my want to drink Starbucks coffee, or to buy cute clothes from the mall that was made by children in (fill in the blank of country). I don't think this want will hurt anybody, it will just help me be able to eat my seven dollar bread into the future.  Phew.  

Magic/Real

Islands really are forever. No joke. There is just something about pretty pop with dark, creepy lyrics that really touch my heart. Sigh. And I got my first crush on a rapper. His name is Despot and he is funny and uses his fists well. What more could a girl ask for? It was an admittedly short-lived crush. It ended when he came went back on stage without a shirt on. I prefer boys that are fully clothed. It was a good show with big egos. 

(ps. I have not yet gone to boston pizza or moxie's. I did sit in a quizno's, but I had sushi in my purse for later, so I didn't have to think of a month long stomach ache just to fit in...).

Working for the Joy of Giving

True story. Yesterday I managed to leave work early and I decided that I wanted to eat pizza. I can't really do the Kinnikinick pizza crusts that Prego uses because it has a lot of corn and tapioca in it. So I decided to make my own. I was going to let the yeast do it's thing while I got some cider. What better to accompany not-quite-pizza than not-quite-beer?! As I was putting the yeast back in the fridge I realized that it was (drumroll.....) AMARANTH! Oops. I would have been waiting for a hell of a long time for that to rise. I drank. I ate. I was merry. 

I am starting to feel settled in life once more. It's a good feeling. I go through the motions of work without much emotion. Neutrality can be very very comforting. I really like changes, and we're having some physical changes with our buildings at work. I think that may have something to do with my contentment. Plus, our housing co-op group (On Earth) has met with the consultant once and we're making some head way. We are meeting again tomorrow to work on vision statement and goals. It's exciting. 

On a side note: I am going to see Islands tonight. Jealous? And my friend for almost 10 years, Jeff A is coming down tonight. Most of the friends that I've had for 10 years I get to see at least weekly. But not Jeff A. I almost never see him. We don't have anything in common and I think it's funny and nice that we still are friends. He is someone who is very good at keeping up friendships. I bought a loaf of bread and a frozen pizza with meat on it for him. I tried to think of things that I really wouldn't like and then thought that there was a good chance that he would like them. That's kind of the way things are with us. We don't like the same music, movies, food, or activities. One time I took him to the SugarBowl for supper. Nothing too out of the ordinary there. Comfortable atmosphere, meat and veggie options. I thought that it would be a good option that would please us both. I was wrong. I am not going to Boston Pizza or Moxie's. I will not. I wonder if he reads my blog. (hi Jeff. xxxoooxoxo)

On another side note. Crosby Stills Nash and Young break my heart. Everytime. 

Why You Shouldn't Do Drugs

The following conversation is an example of why you shouldn’t do drugs.
ME: Listen dude. When you’re sober we have good conversations and we get along well. When you’re drinking you kind of creep me out, and annoy me by following me around. Do you understand what I’m saying?
HE: (nods head)
ME: Okay, what did I just say?
HE: I’m a very beautiful woman.
ME: What? No! I said we get along when you’re sober, but I don’t want to talk to you when you’ve been drinking. What did I just say?
HE: I am beautiful.
ME: No! You are not listening to me. I am not going to talk to you when you’re drinking.
HE: Why do you always get mad at me?
ME: (anger rising)
HE: When I am going to feel you up?
ME: (quickly leaving room so that I didn’t kick him in the crotch).

Listen kids, drugs cause brain damage. Don’t become a HE.

Look at that Hare!

Last night I had a dream about some guys from high school. Guys that I was not friends with in high school. I was somewhere and I noticed on the tv these guys were in a music video. I remember referring to them as a boy band even though they didn't dance and they played their own instruments. They were this band that was some how discovered 10 years later. They weren't making music now, it was from high school. I thought they were so cool. I ended going to some release party and I hung out with them. And then my long lost college friend Jeff showed up (probably because he called me last night). It was a funny one.
I think some of the boys were Jason T, Jeff J, maybe Craig B... really random guys. I did paint yesterday. Maybe the dream was an after effect of the fumes.....???

Stop Look and Listen

The other day, I went for a quick walk to the corner store to pick up a paper to check out garage sale listings. I was smart and did not go to any because, let's face it, I already have all the crap a girl could want. As I was approaching the store I noticed a small group of people. I usually try to avoid eye contact, because I know a lot of people in the hood, but I don't want them to know where I live. As I made my way closer, one of the guys yelled out: look at that girl! It was funny. It was the best heckle I have ever heard. I didn't feel dirty. I mostly just giggled. But it did get me thinking...maybe I should stop wearing my tube top in public. 

The Art of Being Ugly

I have been looking for old photos of myself for a slide show for our 10 year high school reunion. Fun, fun, fun. Apparently I was a pretty baby, I then became cute up to about age 9. That's the year I got glasses and by that time my hair (specifically my bangs) began to be routinely tortured by perms. No longer cute. The ugliness continued until about the age of 21. I think depression and my general sense of not wanting to be largely contributed to the ugly. Now, I don't want to sound like I'm challenging God or anything, BUT seriously...adolescence was a mistake, right? What an awful awful time. By grade 11, I had a firmly established friend group that were really really great. I didn't look good, but I felt pretty good.

I have been pouring through old photos and looking at my brothers when they were little. It makes me sad to think of things that they are now dealing with. I am also quite sad because they used to really like me. I feel loved by my family, but sometimes it would be nice to feel liked and understood. Ugly remnants have stayed and hardened me. I am not easy to know. I spew out facts, often without discretion, but manage to remain cold and reserved. I know it's not all my fault that things are the way they are, but I sometimes just really wish things didn't suck so much. 

My Ears Popped

Although this is no longer a body blog, my effing ears just popped. I have tried the cover the nose and blow strategy since high school, and it just doesn’t work. But due to my chronic dizziness/unbalance, I decided that it was time to take charge. The Eustachian tube clearing exercise only does so much (tug up and out on ear, and with opposite hand massage down side of neck to shoulder blade). I read a description of an exercise: take a breath in, and pinch nose as you blow out. It is the same stupid exercise as cover your nose and blow out, but it now works. I do it differently some how. I am excited. I may still have problems, but I now have another exercise. Yip!
I had an extended long weekend. I worked half days both Thursday and Friday, Monday was a stat, and I took Tuesday off. It was good. My housemate is on vacation, so I spent the weekend not fully closing the bathroom door and flushing the toilet only when necessary. My water consumption is almost manageable. I went for walks, and watched tv, and organized some papers, and saw some friends, and planted some flowers, and pretty much just chilled and it was awesome. And I’m not so dizzy now that I have learned how to pop my ears. Yip! Yip!

Do It

Today I started a blog about my body. Try to find it. I dare you.

So Sensitive

Just got back from the naturopath, and I am sensitive to tapioca. So that's why I vomited after bubble tea. I'm glad to have this knowledge, but I don't think there is any prepared bread that I can eat now (I even checked an organic bakery nearby, and the gf bread was a no-go). I'm going to have to find a new gf flour recipe, now that corn AND tapioca are off limits. I wasn't so sad this time. I think I'm going to stick it out until I'm done the desensitization treatments. 

Someone's Crying, My Lord, Kumbaya

I have been seeing my naturopath every week for the past few months for this allergy desensitization stuff. The last 2 times I have felt very very sad during the session. I am having a hard time discerning where this sadness is coming from. Part of it stems from the fact that I have been doing so much self care and cutting out foods and introducing other foods, and I'm still not feeling great. But I think it could be more than just disappointment. I want to honor what my spirit is telling me. Maybe it's time to to stop seeing my doctor for awhile. I just don't know. 

I saw some friends right after my appointment, and we had a good week/bad week night. We tell each other good things and bad things, things learned and re-learned, things the Creator has taught and how we've tried to ignore the Creator. I was feeling really low and I mostly just cried. My friends prayed for me and encouraged me and it was nice. Today, I got an email saying that some of my friends skipped lunch today and fasted and prayed for me. My initial reaction was anger because it's so annoying when people pay attention to me. And then I thought of how I would feel if someone else was given this treatment. I would be thrilled and exclaim things like: now that's what community should look like! So I decided to not be angry. So, friends, even though only two of you read this blog, I want to say: thank you. (Oh Lord, Jambalaya).

Fame

Baugh! I am so grumpy. I accidentally got interviewed about a project and my name was in the media and I'm kind of in trouble at work. Baugh! I never wanted to be famous. Not true. I do want to be famous. I want to be internet famous. Ideally I will one day do something awesome. My awesomeness will be known by some people that I don't know. It will be the kind of infamy where you get back from the grocery store and you tell your friend, "I saw this local celebrity buying carrots. It was awesome". That's the kind of fame that I want. I want fame to follow my rules. I don't want to be famous for drinking too many martinis and then joining a riot and then getting assaulted by the police. I want to be famous for wearing shoes that are just too cute. Or for really liking dinosaurs. Or for having a really good idea. I don't want to be famous for accidentally giving an interview. Baugh! Fame why can't you just learn to follow the rules?!

Give Me an "A"

I am on a library high. I walked there tonight and it felt like my best library visit yet. The older men played chess upstairs. I watched a group getting a tour of the ESL materials. It was just so pleasant. Plus, both of my library-related crushes were there. It was perfect. 

Speaking of perfect, I met my niece this weekend. Her name is Lainey and I really like her. The last babies that I was closely related to were Jo-Jo and Mr. T. I was only 7 when they were born, and wasn't around them much for the first couple of months because they were so little and sick. I am generally nervous around infants - my hands are so strong, and I don't want to crush the poor baby. But I did it. I held her and didn't break her and we bonded and it was awesome.  Awesome.

Hummus and By-Laws: They All Fall Down

I received my new food processor bowl and blade today. I am excited to not have to think of the broken appliance sitting in my cupboard. I will now think of the functional appliance sitting in my cupboard waiting to make hummus, and chop onions when I am just too lazy.
Today my soon-to-be co-op booked some consulting time for next week. I don’t have the time or energy to figure out how to best set up shares and write our by-laws, etc. Now we have someone to help us. That is nice.
I am counting down the hours until tonight. I have a meeting about a separate project, and I am praying that the Creator will keep the decision makers on the same page. I get frustrated when people assume that I’m a kid from the way I look, but I don’t always feel fit for some of these adult responsibilities. How did I get this life?
Now it's time to talk about a case of the "crazies". I tend to have crazy experiences right before I fall asleep. I “see” things. Last night, I “saw” one of the walls in my bedroom fall down. It was pretty scary. I think I yelled. It took me a minute to process that I can't very well in the dark, and that my wall was still intact. I think it had a lot to do with the episode of “Arrested Development” that was on CBC yesterday. It was the one when they built the model home; during the ribbon cutting the house fell apart. Lucille and Uncle Oscar and the Blue Tobias. Man that show is funny.

You've Got Something on the End of Your Nose

I have been realizing more and more that I have a lot of rules guiding my life. We all do, I know. It's just that I am becoming more cognizant of just how snotty many of my rules are. These rules include coffee, alcohol, food, clothing, music, tv, movies, shoes, pants, pants, pants, just to name a few. I remember meeting a really nice boy once and deciding within minutes that I could never date him because I didn't like his pants. I know. I'm sick. 

The second last time I was in Vermilion, I filled up my car at the station on my way out of town. I decided to get a coffee. I don't do gas station coffee. It's not just because of the ethical issues surrounding coffee, it's because I don't do gas station coffee. I didn't even bring my mug, and had to use a paper cup. I tried to play it cool like I did that sort of thing everyday. You know, drive my car and buy coffee in a paper cup from a place that also sells air fresheners and pepperoni sticks. I thought I did a really good job of blending in. I tried telling this story to my folks the last time I visited. It was during the re-telling of the story that I realized that I have a little bit of the crazies. I think my taste is better than most others because I don't roll up the rim, and I think TH coffee sucks. 

I have lectured friends on buying cheap alcohol. Music is an obvious one that many of us have succumbed to (does a "your favorite music sucks" t-shirt ring any bells??). I feel far too justified in my snobbery. Church music is another obvious one. Sometimes it's really good, sometimes I go to the bathroom three times. I have an attitude problem. The biggest part of my problem is that I like my attitude problem. It's become part of my identity and I find it comforting. 

My predisposition to dislike things has been recently challenged. Now, this may come as a shock, but I started watching the television show "The O.C.". I tried to keep it under wraps for awhile because, without watching it, I believed that I disliked it. I thought the world was stupid for liking it. I believed myself to be a much smarter and discerning television watcher than the average O.C. viewer. Holy shit. What else have I missed out on??? I'm not intending on changing most of my snotty positions. Tim Hortons will always suck, and no one deserves to be drinking a ten dollar bottle of vodka. No one. But I might be missing out on things. Maybe I should just give myself the chance to like things. Maybe I would be better off judging a person based on their understanding of world events than on their pants.  

(I'm listening to Danielson right now. How would you rate me?) Please still be my friends. I promise I won't judge your pants. Your alcohol, maybe. And your pants, but I'll keep that one in my head.

Garbage Season No More

I am borrowing a table from a Chinese family. My former kitchen table was terribly rickety. I could have worked on it to make it wobble less, but I didn't. Instead I decided to spend time on this new table. It was a pretty beat up pine Ikea-esque little number. A bit of stain...and voila! This was my first time using stain. I'm excited about all the possibilities that have now opened up. I predict over the next 10 years that I will spend approximately 7 months staining things. 

This new table was what I needed to reorganize my kitchen. It uses the space differently, and I got excited. I even organized my flours and finally gave away my popcorn and cornstarch. It was time to say goodbye for good. 

I finally looked at my food processor. I tried to ignore it for about 2 years. Somehow the main blade got stuck in the bowl and it's impossible to get them apart. I tend to freak out about stuff like that. I would rather be spending my money on seven dollar loafs of bread and sneakers than replacing something 

that I already have. I did a little search on the information superhighway, and I found replacement parts. I felt a sense of freedom with finally dealing with the stupid piece of plastic. I will no longer have a food processor sadly taking up room in my cupboard. I will have a happy, useful food processor taking up room in my cupboard. I am going to process so much food, just you wait. I just feel great. My place feels great. Even my fake pets feel great.  

Could Not Be MORE Pleased

I do not know how I managed to survive eight months as a full-time drop in worker. Holy heff. A couple of the full-time drop in staff were sick this week, and I found myself migrating downstairs to take some of the heat. Working in the drop in was hands-down the hardest job I have ever had. It wasn’t even super busy, but people were rowdy. Very very rowdy. I am upstairs today. That is nice.
I finished watching that show this week. It was good to get it done. I have my life back again. It was a very intense month of tv. I think I’m through with television for awhile, or at least until next Thursday when The Office starts again.
Last night I met with a few of my future co-op friends. It was great. Jessica is opening up a bank account for us today. I have really been appreciative of all recent tangible advancements in my projects. I feel like everything in my life is taking too long, and I’m feeling impatient and discouraged. But, we are opening a bank account today to pool together funds to pay for our incorporation fees, and for the consulting group. I have been dreaming of a housing co-op for years, and it’s finally happening. But it’s not how I imagined. It is happening without some of the people that I thought would be involved. I'm a bit saddened that the rules of marriage are keeping some of my loved ones from being my neighbour. I try to pretend that I understand. I don’t. It makes me sad, and I feel a bit rejected; but I have a handful of wonderful friends that are pleased to be my neighbours (and these kids know how to party). Now co-op friends, if you are reading this, do not be alarmed. I am very very happy that you are joining me in this venture. I could not be more pleased with you (unless, of course, one of you was a beautiful boy who likes talking about the ecosystem of (fill in the blank), and who finds me more awesome than weird. But, that is not the case). Friends, I could not be more pleased with you. I am excited that we're working together.
I am blogging instead of working. Today is the last day of a crazy crappy week, and I am writing this instead of case notes. Good for me. And because you all are so enthralled with my body-talk... I think that I may damaged my stomach with the chocolate/cheese/corn adventure over Easter. I was getting better and I feel like I'm at square one again. It makes me cry a little when I think of it. That was stupid. And tasty. And stupid. And tasty. But mostly stupid.

California Here We Come

 My short absence from blogging can be attributed to a number of factors.
1. I’ve been feeling busy. Now, I must clarify that feeling busy and actually being busy are not necessarily one and the same. It would not be unreasonable to say that I have not been that busy. I’ve felt a bit stressed out about a project, but that pressure has since been relieved. I tend to feel more busy when I’m stressed.
2. Easter. I was out of town from Thursday – Monday. Up from the grave he arose. There is no internet in Vermilion.
3. I’ve recently discovered a tv show. It’s about wealthy kids living in California. I was sure that I would never watch that show and that if I did, I would hate it. I think I saw about 10 minutes of it when it was on the air. I found myself borrowing the first season from the library. After each episode I would say something like, “this show is so good”. I am now addicted, and have purchased all 4 seasons. Not something I usually do, but it just felt right. If it feels good, do it.
4. Chocolate, cheese and popcorn. I don’t usually give in to cravings that have the potential to make me very very ill. But I thought, “hey, I’m feeling better, bring it on”. I brought it on, and have felt regret for over a week. I now know that popcorn is not my friend, and that I don’t know the meaning of moderation.
5. Hawksley Workman. He’s not actually a contributing factor, but I just wanted all you suckers to know that he was at the Winspear on Monday, and my socks were officially knocked off. What a guy! He played for almost 3 hours. I couldn’t help but compare it to that one time when I had a lapse of judgement, and found myself at the Justin Timberlake extravaganza. Hawksley had props (a mini drum kit and keyboard), and costumes (spacey antennas, and green jumpsuits), AND Timbaland WASN’T there, and the girl on stage was wearing clothes. What more could I have asked for???
The truth is, number three is the main reason that I haven’t been writing. All I do in my free time is watch that show. California….

You are Good

Someone recently reminded me that I have good friends. And it's true. Not only are my friends good at being friends, they are also good at being people. An example from today: Andy stopped by my work to let me know that the voicemail system he was working on is ready to go. He told me about how Google and the city of San Francisco is providing SF homeless free phone numbers and voicemail. In response to my enthusiasm, Andy and some of his friends have worked on setting up a voicemail system for the homeless of Edmonton. Right now we need to find the $ so the system can move out of his friend's basement. Yup. I have good friends. 

Things You Should Know About: an update

My new purse has done me well so far. I used to it to carry gluten free crepes, fruit, and drinks to Sarah's birthday party. She had a crepe party, and I was planning on doing the usual eat before, and drink a glass of water slowly to not draw too much attention on my high maintenance diet. Instead, I made some crepes at home. I imagined that they would be a disaster, but I was wrong. They were simple and turned out well. 1 cup brown rice flour, 3 eggs, 1/4 to 1/2 cup water, and 1-2 tablespoons oil. I will definitely be making them again. 

The fundraiser went well. Although we had a ton of help cleaning up after the event, I wasn't able to catch the end of the show.  Heidi is perfect. She is our #1 volunteer. High five! 

The documentary isn't until tonight. I hope that I can convince someone to record it for me. 

I still like cookies. 

Update concluded.

Things You Should Know About

1. The House of Bags is moving to WEM. The last day they are open in Chinatown is March 20. I went there today and bought a bag. I recommend you do the same. 

2. There is a good sounding documentary on Sunday night on the Passionate Eye. Warning: it's about street people, and we will all likely love it.  Warning: if you have cable, I will be asking to watch it with you.

3. Candeo is holding its second annual dessert night fundraiser this Saturday. We would prefer that you rsvp, but we will accept a few last minute stragglers. 

4. Not that I want to compete with Candeo's fundraising efforts, there is a show that I hope to catch the end of. Mark Templeton is playing his last show in Edmonton for awhile. We should all go after the fundraiser.

5. I like cookies. I really do. 

6. Happy birthday, Sarah D. Happy birthday.

For You...

When I got in to work this a.m. I had eight voicemail messages. Very manageable for being out of the office for a day and a half. Two of them were from this guy who calls me quite frequently when he’s inebriated and not incarcerated. The first message was that he missed the sound of my voice, and that he wants to dance with me. The second message was a continuation of the dancing theme. He played the Fleetwood Mac song “Songbird”. I find him more funny than creepy, so overall it was a somewhat pleasant experience.

Kick Me

I took today off because I am going crazy and I need a break. Yesterday I decided to spend most of today writing for my non-paid job (volunteering - ever heard of it?). Instead I slept until until 8, cleaned the house (finally), went to the naturopath, and then went to the mall. I was looking for a white blouse, but instead I bought my second pair of kicks in two weeks. That's right 2 pairs in 2 weeks. I may have a sneaker problem. I now have three pairs that are the same, but in different colors (brown/yellow, pink, and now black/white). They are all pretty much awesome. Augh!!! I am so unproductive. 

Scratch Another Back, Scratch a Back Next to You

My life has had the distinctive feel of lack of adventure. It has been this way for about a year or more. I have been fortunate enough for a number of summers that included a little out of town adventure - often on my own. Due to lack of funds and a lack of destination, my adventures have remained quite local and, well, boring. Not that I have been bored for over a year, I've just had an itch that remained unscratched. I have had the opportunity for a mini-adventure this week. An acquaintance, who I will now call my "friend" invited me to take part in a film project that he and a friend (for this posting will be called "friend 2") were working on. I tried to heighten my sense of adventure by asking almost no questions, and by imaging unfortunate things. For instance, there was a point where I was standing a few feet from the top of a hill, and trees were blocking my view to the top of the hill. Friend and friend 2 were doing something in the car. I kept on picturing them driving away leaving me stranded. Later we drove by a "Curves" and a laser hair removal place. I imagined them trying to convince me to go for a Curves 30 minute workout and then get some lasering done. As I'm writing it, it doesn't sound like it would actually increase the adventure - but you weren't there. The questions I did not ask included: are you filming now, why am I here, and would you like to be my friends? I really get a kick out of ambiguity from time to time. I found the unknown exciting. Now, I'm not saying that the itch was entirely scratched, but it's a little more manageable now. So friend, and friend 2, although you will never read this, and we might not actually be friends, thanks for the adventure.

(Now it's time for a R&A's breakfast with my girls! Yes!)

Men

Today was my second, and last day of being friends with two nice boys. Oh the memories that I will have forever. Sitting on a bench in the park, sitting on a chair in a house, walking down the street, walking up a hill... When we were walking, we passed a young woman who was really high and messed up. Then we saw this guy, in his early 20s, he was clean looking, middle class. We were close by as he passed the girl, and he asked if she "wanted to party". It was really terrible. She was so vulnerable - and he just really wanted to take advantage of her. I know this happens lots, but it was gross to see. It's men like that who make me want to not walk alone. It's men like that who make me feel like maybe I should be wearing a bigger hoodie, like it's a problem and my fault for having a body. It's men like that who make me want to say "I don't like men". But I know that by taking a stand like "some men are johns, so I don't like men" is a really hateful thing. And, I was with two men who were equally upset with this guy's behavior. There are lots of really good people in this world. There are lots of people, men and women, who value life. There are men out there who don't do the drive by heckle. I am going to try to be more aware of my "I don't like men" thoughts and statements. There are lots of good men out there.

Decisions Decisions

So I didn't make it to Calgary yesterday. Andy was arriving at the Calgary airport from his Italian excursion. Jess went to pick him up. She was going to leave sometime after one. I thought: hey, people shouldn't let their friends drive three hours all alone. I should go with her. So, I gave her a call and left work early and hopped in her car. I immediately knew I had made the wrong decision. My leg and back issues make sitting a bitch. And it was warm and wet and I typically vomit under those conditions. So, 1o blocks into our journey, I asked her to pullover and I walked home. Spazzy? Yes. Best decision ever? Maybe. Last night I finished rereading the final Harry Potter book and I did the dishes and I tidied up a bit and I danced and went to bed at 9:30. Best decision ever? Absolutely.

Hey, Valentine!

I know you are all probably wondering how my Valentine's day was. Well, it was pretty good. Work was okay, supper was good, someone bought me shit that I don't need, and we had a community meeting. At the meeting, we decided that we are going to form as a continuing co-operative. This seemed like the best option for awhile, but the work, and potential cost of setting up a co-op was a huge deterrent. Last Saturday, we met with a group that consults co-housing groups. It was nice to get some professional advice, but the cost of having them plan our project was just too much. So we're going to do most of the leg work, and check in with them periodically to make sure that we're on the right track. This has been my dream for 3 years and it looks like it's really going to happen. I am very excited. My heart is racing, but it is now passed my bedtime. I hope I can sleep....

Best Night Ever

Aaugh! It's only 8 and I'm already having the best night. I took my roommate to catch the shuttle to the airport. I am home alone and wearing only one pair of pants. That's right...the legging pair. And my mom called to tell me that if I save my grocery receipts I can claim the difference in cost of my gluten free breads and regular things on my taxes. And I just made some white basmati rice. White rice and leggings. This night is OFF THE HOOK!

Yeah, I'm Gonna Marry a Carrot

I am winding down after a grumpy/crappy week with the Simpsons. It's the episode when Lisa decides to become a vegetarian. I remember when I was a kid and wanted to become a vegetarian. I mentioned it once or twice to my mom. She didn't receive it well, and as I was the peace maker child in my family, I didn't push it.  It wasn't until my second year on my own that I went for it. I finally went down the path that was chosen for me. It was an exciting time. But it was also stressful relating my choice to the people that knew me all my life. I am thankful that I had that discussion with my family years ago. It was an uncomfortable time. I stopped eating meat AND I got my nose pierced. How could I have tortured my parents so much? It's funny to look back on because neither of those actions should have been that big of a deal. But I guess my folks felt like I was rejecting their way of life. My life does look a lot different than theirs, but our core values remain similar. We value love, laughter, and punk rock. 

My grandma still seems to find it very odd. She is a wonderful and hilarious woman and when she remembers my deficiency she says something like, "Oh Angie, what are YOU going to eat? Should I boil you an egg?" If I didn't have the gluten thing going on, I would try veganism, but I do have the gluten-thing, so yes, Grandma, an egg would be great.  

I really do love this episode - its the one with the pig roast. A few years ago we had a family reunion with a pig roast. It was a bonding time for me with my parents and brothers. Despite (or maybe because of) raising pigs on the farm for years, most of us don't do pork. It was hard to not picture the roast floating through the air...  Anyway, if there is one thing I have learned from the Simpsons: "You don't make friends with salad". 

So Long Friends...

Okay, so I'm not a super internet-y kind of gal. I like it. I use it. But I'm not the person you go to hear about new cool things on this world wide web. I obsessively look on real estate sites to find the perfect home for my community. I read my friends blogs. I sometimes check the news. And that's about it. Well, the times, they are a-changin'. I love the blogosphere. I love how indulgent it is. I love how strangers can stumble upon my ramblings and become instantly bored. I love how I can get to know intimate details of a person's life that I will never know. I love it, I love it, I love it. So, my new hobby is reading the blogs of strangers. It feels a bit uncomfortable and creepy but I'm willing to suck it up for the sake of entertainment. From now on my internet time will be divided as follows: emailing 30%; real estate 10%; facebook 10%; blog-related activities 50%. I am very, very excited about this new arrangement. One more change, I have decided to change the break down of my days: sleep 8.5 hours; eating/cooking/grocery shopping 1.5 hours; work 8 hours; exercise 1 hour; neti pot .25 hours; thinking about unicorns and/or Scott Baio .25 hours; bathroom .5 hours; internet 5 hours. That leaves no time for real life friends. Sorry. It was nice while it lasted.  

Read at Your Own Risk

I got accused of "swooning" today. I don't consider myself to be one who swoons.  I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me. I have a two week attention span. I am the fickle-est of the fickle. I sometimes wish that I could engage in a normal level of unhealthiness and get my heart broken in a "normal" way. Maybe I don't have a heart. Or, maybe all the bubble wrap that I've been eating is doing it's job and my heart is enjoying the protection only plastic can provide. Sexy. I'm going to blame today's posting on the upcoming V-day. Blah. If I start to complain about consumerism, it will be so obvious that I am only doing so because I have no one to buy me shit that I don't need. Well, so what. I can buy myself chocolate, and I know how to read labels for my diet better than anyone else. So take that. 

I am so grumpy today it's ridiculous. If only my bubble-wrapped heart had room to breathe. Maybe then I'd be loveable and loving. Maybe then.

Take These Seeds, and Shove 'Em

Today, Candeo played at short video at Central about the property we are working on purchasing and renovating. It's exciting to hear that people are excited for us. It's nice to finally have something tangible. Yah! I was a bit nervous about the video because we filmed it last Saturday and there were a couple disastrous moments. For me, the most disastrous was when I was doing fake chin ups standing on a ladder. I fell off, and Duane caught me. It was really really awkward. But that moment did not make the cut. Phew. 

My doc has got me eating seeds. That sounds fine. But it's not fine. I am currently eating 2 tbsp ground flax seed. I put it in strawberry/apple sauce. It's the most disgusting part of my day. And I'm taking so many things I forget what it's supposed to help. I alternate between flax and sunflower seeds depending on the moon. The oil is supposed to help __. What __ is, I have no idea. I just finished it. I really hate eating it. Oh well.

I know that I have been writing/talking/thinking too much about my health, but it just really excites me right now. I now feel well enough to read my body. Now I want to eat when I'm hungry, not when I've stopped hurting. I base my eating around hungry/not hungry rather than hurting lots/not hurting too much. Can you even believe it??? Corn really effed me up. Good bye, leaky gut. Good bye.

Tonight, Central starts a month of Sunday night lectures from the Micah Challenge. I am really excited. "Only YOU can make poverty history". 

Decidedly NOT a Fish Eater

I do not have to take fish oil. I do not have to take fish oil! I DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE FISH OIL! How awesome is that?
I am pouting because I have to work late tonight and it's snowy and I'm sleepy and I'm addicted to a series of novels about a young wizard. Because I am pouting, I think it would be best if I reflected on the funniest thing I heard this week. I was in the drop in and this guy said "why do you work in the inner city...when you could be a model?" I almost crapped my pants it was so funny. I think he meant model citizen. I vote in most elections; I hardly speed; I never purposely trip people on the sidewalk.

Mini Freak Out

Augh! It's my 1o year high school reunion this year and I am currently receiving an onslaught of Facebook messages regarding said reunion and at this moment it is freaking me out. Maybe it's just tonight: the cider, the Harry Potter that is leading to my sense of holy sh*t... but holy sh*t! I don't know why its freaking me out. I think it's because I was a weird quiet kid in school and although I'm now not as quiet... 

Maybe it's because I was completely forgettable and it will feel weird to be there with my friends who were less forgettable. I'm hoping that Heidi and Lauryn will both come. Lauryn was an athlete and Heidi was active in school council stuff. I was the kind of kid that no one has any reason to remember. I was average in every possible way. Not popular. Not a loner. Not picked on. Not a bully. Not much of anything. It is seriously causing me intense turmoil at this moment. Maybe it's the cider.  I can just picture the conversations: uh... who are you? Right. And you went to school with us? Right. Yeah. I kind of remember you. Are you married? (and then the conversation ends when I vomit on the person's shoes). 

And...back to my cider. 

Fish Eater?

I have been wrestling with the idea of starting to take fish oil supplements. The idea repulses me and makes me feel a bit guilty. I have been praying that God would give me really clear direction on this one. A dream. Something. Anything. Yesterday I began to think about how the Creator made us all interdependent. I depend on fish to sustain certain ecosystems. Fish sometimes benefit from people removing a couple of them from ecosystems. If a fish can be used to heal me, then I can believe that for this time in my life, healing from the Creator is through fish. It still disturbs me that I may have to put parts of a once living creature through my mouth, but God will give me strength. I hope I don’t cry. That would look really wimpy.

On a different note, I am now a believer in the power of nasal irrigation systems. I finally got a Neti Pot. It is WONDERFUL. For a gal with allergies and a constant case of the “stuffies” this little bad boy has changed my life. I have been using it every morning, and I feel moisturized and I breathe so much easier. Apparently you can get plastic ones at drugstores. I haven’t seen one yet, but once I do…I will buy probably more than one and give them to allergy-d and sinus infection prone family and friends. It is that good.

Yesterday I was at my friendly-neighborhood big box stationary store (not so friendly, not in my neighborhood) and there were these light-up pens with Bambi in them (for 99 cents) and I did just what that store wanted me to do, and I bought one. I even tried to think of why I wanted that pen. Do I need another pen? No. I bought it because it had floaty sparkles and a plastic Bambi in AND it lit up. I am SUCH a sucker for stationary.

Today, I talked to the guy who I called an a-hole and he was very nice.

There's No Romance in My Blood (and no-antibodies to give me the diagnosis I crave)

I talked to an a-hole today on the phone. It was work related - I was advocating for someone. He was the employer and landlord. I was being nice. I kept my voice low and calm. I think he knew he was in trouble from the get-go and he responded defensively. But seriously. He didn't have to be so mean. I found myself spewing out phrases of dirty words for about 7 minutes after I hung up the phone. I haven't been that angry for a loooong time. 

On a different note, my roommate has a fever tonight and she ordered pizza. Now, I'm not much of a pizza eater, but I do know a thing or two about being sick...

I went to Pizzeria Prego  last Friday night and they have gluten free crusts there!!!!!! !!!!!! They do have corn in them, (and cheese on them) and it was delicious. It's been awhile since I've had pizza, and I ate the whole thing in one sitting. That was somewhat regrettable, but I have pizza back in my life (well, kind of in my life - corn and dairy aren't my best friends). 

Speaking of best friends...have you seen "Scott Baio is 45 and Single"?!?? Maybe it was the pizza, but that is one good-trashy show. I am thankful for the writers strike. I have my Thursday nights back, and when I visit my cable-d friend, I can gorge on reality shows without feeling too guilty about it. For example: "Hey what do you want to do tonight?" "We can watch cable." "Okay, but there's nothing on." "I guess we can watch Scott Baio again." "Okay." See? It's that simple. 

I've decided to try to convince my family to all get tested for Celiacs (even though I've never been actually "diagnosed" with it). Tonight, I checked in with my mom and talked with one of my brothers. I am pretty sure that if anyone in family has it, it is my darling middle brother. Years ago when my spirit knew it was time to say good-bye to gluten it was difficult, but manageable. I had a healthy lifestyle even when I was ill. I can't imagine making such a big change and not being very healthy. I guess the only thing I can do is ask the Creator to speak to and heal his spirit.

I am going through a strange time right now. I feel like I am going through healing from the years of being sick and not looking sick and having physicians brush me off. It was really hard when I hurt so bad and had nothing to show for it. No one seemed to take me seriously. I was so low. My body ached. I was emotionally drained. But from what I was being told, I was the picture of health. I really tried hard to brush it off. It seems a bit silly that I am so emotional about this. But I finally feel vindicated. And now that I'm throwing around the C-word, I no longer feel like it's necessary to throw in disclaimers about my diet, and I feel less apologetic when I ask questions in restaurants. You probably don't care. That's fine. But this is a big thing for me right now. 

Gimme Yer Money

Candeo Housing Association has put an offer on a building and the offer was accepted, and now we need to raise $555, 000. If you have any extra dollars, we could use them. It's a four-plex in the West end - off Stony Plain Road. It's a really great building and I'm really excited. So now it's grant writing time and asking people for money. Just think, if everyone who reads this blog chips in ten dollars, we'll have a hundred dollars in no time. One hundred! I guess every little bit helps. 

The Digging-est Dog

There are fire trucks outside my place right now. The fire alarm from the next building just went off. My guess is that there was a fire. When I was younger, I remember thinking that if I was ever in a building that was on fire, I would just jump in the shower. It seemed like the smartest solution. How can you burn when you're soaking wet? I later found out about the power of smoke and having the ceiling cave on one's head. Now if I'm ever in a building that is one fire I will plan on using the nearest exit and stay low to the ground. 

Last night I saw "Juno" (finally) and it was really great. I knew that I really liked it when Belle and Sebastian started playing (how predictable, I know). I was hoping that they were going to play "Stars of Track and Field" but I guess that was too obvious? I think that "Stars" is one of my favorite B&S songs. But then again, they are all my favorite. 

So...I went to my first allergy desensitization session this week. And it was heffing nuts. Absolutely crazy. Tuning forks. Cold laser. Coloured glasses. Sander-buffer thing. These are a few highlights. 

I also went to the dentist this week to get a filling. I had a cavity filled when I was a kid, but that was a long time ago. I found this experience quite traumatic. The part I hated most was the mouth dam. I did not like that. I was trying to tell two co-workers about the experience and this is an excerpt of what I described: "and then she asked me if I ever had a rubber dam in my mouth". Yeah... it was not until the words were out of my mouth that I realized what I had said. The assistant did not ask me that question in those words, by the way. For someone so wholesome, there is some crazy shit that comes out of my mouth. Yikes.

Today there was the Homeless Memorial. It was sad, but nice to be around people who care. People live such rough lives. I feel sad for myself when my leg goes numb, or when I want to eat a muffin. I can go home and do yoga and bake some GF stuff. Life could be so much harder. 

Energize While You Synergize

I just want to take some time to share with you, dear friends, how much I love carbohydrates. I love them. My current favorites (in no particular order): potatoes, rice and quinoa. My naturopath has convinced me to try to diversify my diet more. (I like the idea of eating locally but by cutting out wheat and corn my options are limited). (That was just in case you were judging me about my irresponsibility. I am jerk. I am knowing it). Sometimes I like to make jokes about not eating breads because I'm on Atkins. It's a joke that is quickly fading and was probably never very funny. But I laugh and laugh. Atkins! Can you even imagine?

Yesterday I went to a conference and the craziest thing happened. The facilitator used the words interface and synergy (about 4 times). "Hopefully we can interface again, and get some synergy going". What?! If it happened just once, I may have been able to handle it. But it happened more than once. When synergy got synergized, I scoffed. No one, not one, should use that word in any form more than once a day. I thought words like that were just jokes for people who understand Dilbert. I feel way more culturally relevant now. Finally.

MY HOUSE IS HOT!!!!! I live in an older house and the heat has been turned off for about a week now. But it's registering at about 26 degrees. Celsius.  Holy heff . Apparently there is a chance that some wires(?) are crossed and my suite is controlling a different suite's heat. The plumber is coming in next week. Until then, I will just try to enjoy balmy winter nights. 

Take Your Carriage Clock and Shove It

Three things:

1. My favorite thing on Arrested Development was when Lindsay was sitting on the photocopier making copies of a Volvo - and the jokes that followed. It was just dirty enough to keep me interested.

2. I received a strange request to take part in an interesting sounding project. One would assume that due to my emotional sluttery and high level of self disclosure I would be delighted at the offer... but it mostly just makes me uncomfortable. 

3. My motion sickness got really awful and I asked Jesus to heal it and it's not so awful now. Thanks God. 

(bonus) 4. I have my first allergy desensitization session Wednesday night!!