I Cried

I was at a conference today with work. And I cried many times - once during a pop song. (A lame-ass move, I know). I do not encourage music to be played during lectures. This bias was strongly reinforced last year when I heard Brennan Manning speak at the Micah Challenge conference. He had a boom box and he played songs during his talks. Cheesy Christian songs. I found it terribly awkward. Terribly.

Today I was at the Schizophrenia Conference and it was great, but the day was hard to get through. A number of the speakers talked about addiction and mental illness. I am having a very emotive response to addictions right now due to some family stuff. It's nothing new, but we are in the midst of a flare up. It's in my face. It fills my thoughts. It fills my heart. (Only love can break my heart). I was feeling vulnerable and then the speaker played the song "How to Save a Life". I don't let myself like things that suck. I don't like the song. It sucks. But it made me cry. I didn't want to cry. I mean, seriously, I was on the clock and it's one of those songs that is supposed to make you cry. I don't want to turn into one of those people. You know, one of those people who rents a romantic movie every Friday night and cries when whatever happens in romantic movies that makes people cry. (I want to remain one of those people who stays at home on a Friday night with a Macbook and a glass of Sangria and cries and cries alone. Yah, that's much better...). It's uncomfortable crying while working. Don't get me wrong, if I could get paid every time I cried I could pay off my student loans a little quicker, and maybe get a new winter jacket... Anyway...I am not nearly as desperate as I probably sound, but I am still sad. 

I appreciate the grittiness of life. The risk of pain enriches life - love. I can't even image love without risk. Love would be cheap without it. But when the pain is active, I lighten up a little. Pain sucks. It just sucks. My mind is on a beautiful boy that I have watched grow for 20 years. Little brother, you are loved more than you can even imagine. The Creator has not forgotten you. I have not forgotten you. You will never be forgotten. You are already forgiven. Get well soon. xxooxo angie