HOPE!!!

On Thursday during my lunch break I sat at the pool in front of city hall. I love LOVE being near water...as long as it doesn't touch me. The day seemed pretty perfect. It was cool enough to wear my hood and I really love wearing a lot of clothes. I sat there and I flipped through a weekly and listened to Destroyer and then I got a coffee. On my way back to work I realized that I was in love. Not "in love" with a boy or something crazy like that. Just in love. The Creator really loves me and at that moment I felt it.
I believe in heaven. I don't think much about an otherworldly heaven, but I believe that the world is filled with bits of heaven and hell. When I choose love over self interest, I get a glimpse of heaven. Sometimes heaven just happens. I just happened to have my guard down for a second and the Creator reminded me of her presence and how good she is.
Yesterday I got some bad news. One of my favorite people in the world is struggling with some heavy shit right now. It broke my heart. Into a million pieces. But I have hope.
It's funny how I felt so rooted in goodness, and then a day later I watched it shatter. I couldn't stop yelling dirty words and then plead for healing. I can't imagine going through life without hope. I have such hope that there can be good. I have hope because I believe I am part of something big. I am part of the world that was carefully created and sustained by Love. I believe that Jesus was who he said he was. I have hope in community. I have hope that one day we'll understand why we consume. I have hope that one day all people will be valued equally. I have hope that one day we'll put down our arms. Maybe I won't see these things happen on this earth, but I still have hope.

Chin Paint

This morning, I woke up and thought: today is the day I'm gonna write a web log on how I regret buying tickets for the Justin Timberlake show. But then, when I was packing my bag for the day I put JT into my portable disc player (no ipod for me) and I realized my regret was unfounded. I AM GOING TO SEE JT! Woo hoo! It is going to be, like, so freaking awesome!
Woo! Hoo!
Last week was a fun week. Some highlights: I was walking to the first of 2 birthday parties, and I saw a girl on the sidewalk playing the guitar while rollerblading. I don't get girl crushes often...but she was playing the guitar while rollerblading! Aye carumba! I had my first (and possibly last) "Old Fashioned". It's just bourbon on the rocks with bitters and orange and a cherry. I don't think I like bourbon much. The next day (at birthday party number 2) the most adorable man in the world who serves in one of the most delightful diners in the city was at the bubble tea place. His adorable-ness turned into nerdy-ness outside of the diner, but it still felt like a brush with celebrity. On Friday, I went out for drinks with a few coworkers to celebrate buddy's last day. I work where I do for many reasons. One of the reasons is good staff. But in the past few months, all the people that I liked spending my breaks, and mental health moments with keep on leaving me. I still like those that are there, but they don't seem to have enough time for me. Sniff. Not a highlight. But I did drink one cosmo too many and had to regain my sainthood on Jess' couch while I whined about friends leaving me. On Saturday I saw Wilco. Did you hear me? Wilco. And, the eczema is back on my eyelid. Yes. And on Sunday I watched a really great documentary called "Art from the Street". It's about a program in Austin that allows street people to take art "classes" and then once a year there is a huge art show and sale and the people get to keep the money from their art. It was inspiring. Highlights of last week now officially over.
So far the highlight of this week has been a fake moustache.

Good Things

This week I moved into a slightly different position, and I moved from a shared office that overlooked the drop-in to a cubicle with windows. I don't have to worry about putting notes on my pen cup to ensure that I have a pen when I arrive in the morning. It's my office. Youpee! And with having windows, I can have plants. Youpee! I was cleaning out my drawers today and I found the library's Jane's Addiction album that is now 2 days overdue (I thought I had lost it). Youpee!
I have sent out a couple work emails encouraging everyone to go to the House of Bags (on 97 street between 105 and 106 ave). Today, a coworker sent out an echo email because she fell in with the place. (You are very welcome, House of Bags. It was a pleasure).
I had a mini discussion with someone who's leaving town soon. How much stuff is too much? Where is the line? He's planning on really simplifying his life this move. Stuff is something that I feel like I need to address in my life (yet again). Where is the line? How many black cardigans do I really need? What is it that God wants from me? Do I need to give up my cardigan collecting habit to be more like Jesus? Okay, so Jesus probably didn't wear cardigans, so I guess I have my answer. How is my stuff cluttering up my spirit? I think maybe more that I would like to believe. Why is that I need to be surrounded by books? (I've bought probably 25 books in the last month, and read only 2. (In my defense I may have the best second hand book source in the city). How is it that I have convinced myself that my footwear and leg wear is something to spend time and energy on? (This weekend I bought a pair of plain white Keds AND a BeDazzler. You do the math). I think that now is the time (again) to reevaluate my need for stuff, the stuff itself, and where my need for stuff is coming from. To tie this rant into the theme of this posting: the talk about stuff was very good timing. Youpee!
I have a cold and at first I thought it was the flu but it's not. Youpee! I took a nighttime decongestant and I think it's kicking in right now. Sleep. Youpee!
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzz

Goodbye

One of our guys died today. He was the guy that could make me more miserable than anyone. He was the main character in more than one of my rants. He was also a very lovely man with an addiction. That addiction tried to steal his goodness. His goodness was always present, but often tainted. A few months ago he sat in my office weeping as he just lost one of his best friends. I hope they're together now bringing healing and comfort and love to each other. He got a hair cut this week and he looked very nice. I wanted to tell him that it looked good, but there is a good chance that it would have taken a turn for the worst so I said nothing. I don't regret not telling him - but I hope he knew that he looked very nice. I'm quite concerned about one of his buddies. They were like brothers. A coworker compared the two to the the old heckling men on the Muppet Show. God, please save him from himself. Protect him as he copes with this loss. Bring him hope. Bring him comfort. Bring him healing. Make him whole.
I feel so weird right now. I've just lost the person who sometimes made it hard for me to go to work in the morning. I've just lost someone who frustrated me so badly, and made me sad for the losses in his life. He worked hard, too hard, and lost his family. He believed in God and we chatted about how it's the same Jesus in all the churches. He would constantly get in my personal space, and I would constantly remind him that I needed space and then he would get in my space and then I would tell him that it was inappropriate and then he would tell me he found me attractive and then I would tell him that it was inappropriate and that I couldn't talk to him until he treated me with respect and then he would tell him that he respected me (with a little shake of his head) and then he would get in my space and then I would leave. God, thank you for my friend. I did not appreciate him enough. He totally drove me nuts. I'm sorry for the times that I was impatient and I gave up on him. Please bring healing to his life now. Please bring reconcilliation between him and his children and his wife. Make things right that got so messed up. Make things right.