Car Sick for the Dope Sick

I was out at camp with work for the first part of this week. It was fun and beautiful and for the first time in my adult life I thought that I could maybe live out of a city. Today I got woken up at seven and told that one of the campers was really sick. By 9, I was in the car accompanying the camp staff and the camper. The day that we went out to camp, I took a gravol because I didn't want to vomit on the bus. I felt groggy and gross all day, but I did not feel nauseous. Today I decided to not take a gravol and just wear the "sea sick bracelets". I felt sick almost immediately but I was doing okay. My plan was to take the camper to her doctor and then walk back to the centre and meet the camp staff to get a ride out of town. Instead, I got sicker and sicker. When we were about 5 blocks from our destination, I had to hop out of the car, run to the garbage can at the bus stop (puking in my hands on the way to the garbage can), with a captive audience of people getting onto the bus. Fortunately I had a hoodie to wipe my hands and my face on. Heidi works close by so I stopped by a begged for a gravol. Then I walked over to the clinic to be with the camper, and I informed the camp staff that I would NOT be getting back in her car and I would stay in the city. I waited with the camper until the middle of her treatment when she got off the bed, walked out of the clinic and laid on the grass. I asked if she was going back into the clinic and she said no. I asked if she was sure that she didn't want any help from the doctor. Nope, she just wanted to lay on the grass. So I went back to work. Yeah, did I mention that all my stuff was at camp because I was intending on going back later that morning? Did I mention that all my keys were in my bag at the camp? Did I mention that I just vomited and then took a gravol? Did I mention that I didn't have my roommate's work number in my cell phone, and that the one person with an extra set of keys to my place is camping in BC? Did I mention that I was dirty and wearing flip flops?

The rest of my day revolved around trying to figure out what to do. I tried to find my roommate at work, but I don't actually know where she works. I had a cell phone and 5 dollars in my pocket. I have been sick traveling before and it's not fun. I hold the belief that the Creator does not inflict illness, but I do think that today may have been carefully orchestrated. Lately it seems that I've lost a degree of compassion for people. Being ill and messy and carrying a plastic bag with a vomit encrusted sweater without a home (at least for the afternoon) was humbling and reminded me how tough life can be. It's time for me to let go of my sadness and embrace what the Creator is free to give. My heart will get broken again, and I will get disappointed, and I will feel exhausted, and the Creator will redeem me and heal me.

I think my sense of being "burnt out" revolves around my desire for my heart to not get broken anymore.  The truth is it hurts. My favorite guy started using needles. My childhood best friend loves me but doesn't like me. Buddy Holly is dead. Dinosaurs are extinct. My heart just breaks and breaks. I considered just turning my heart off. Of not caring anymore. What is it that makes me so...breakable? The great prophet Neil Young provides me with much comfort. "But only love can break your heart". I guess it could be worse. Thank you for the gift of life. Thank you for the gift of gravol. Thank you for heart breaking love.