Vampires Beware

My weekend revolved around garlic. I had it taped to two fingers because it's supposed to help my warts fall off. Then the smell made me crave garlic, so I roasted it. I ate it. Lots of it. I hung out with Jess on Saturday morning and I warned her: I smell like garlic. We were in her car and then she started to smell it so I had to put my hand out of the window on the drive back home. My garlic-y hand was cold and smelly. I still have warts. But I'm going to try it again tonight. After I get back from fashion week. That's right. Fashion Week. "Un"fortunately there's no fashion show tonight. I think my self esteem will still be intact when I go back home. Pray for me. Please.

Brought to You By the Letter HEFF

I am working on moving from f*** to "f" to "eff" and finally to "heff" . I feel good about where "heff" might take me. It's a little less 14, a little more 21. Before you know it, I'll be age appropriate.

My cousin just sent me a message saying she started reading my blog. Welcome, cousin Kerry. This is the cousin who apparently looks like me. A few years ago, I met a girl and I thought "she looks like my cousin Kerry". We hung out that summer and people thought we were sisters. I guess we do look alike.

On my way to work today I was listening to "Clap Your Hands Say Yeah" and I remembered the time I rubbed my shoulder into the lead singer of the Calgary, clap your hands-esque band "Light City Fiction". Man do I ever love local celebrity citings!

I am bored. I need a change. I satisfied-ish with my hair. I don't know what to do. I did a little school search Monday and Tuesday. I have been thinking about pursuing an MBA in Community Economic Development for the past year. The problem with that idea is the MBA part. Yuck. So, here I am with a career in a field I love, serving people I love in an agency that is a very good fit for my life. And. I am bored. I don't want to cut my hair and I don't want a new wardrobe. What else is there? More celebrity citings. I went to the library at lunch today and the cute boy wasn't there. (But nearly the complete Belle and Sebastian discography was there - what's wrong with you people? Listen to B&S. Constantly. Your life will never be the same). I need more celebrities in my life. I need more celebrity citings in my life. Or. Maybe I just need a life. Maybe I need to dance more. I have a wedding dance party to attend in 3 weeks. Maybe I need a hobby. I tried learning to knit last winter - I could develop that further. Maybe I should learn to crochet. I've been thinking about a video-log. Just in the case the world wide web doesn't have enough of me. I really like being on camera. I think I'm awfully entertaining. So many thoughts that are not worth developing any further..... sigh.... heff....

In conclusion: I'm trying out heff. I have a cousin. I'm bored. I like being around semi-famous people. I would like to be www.famous.

Ain't No Party Like a Hipster Party

I have a great view from my office. Trees. Sky. Church. Houses. Shopping carts. It’s pretty much the best view in the city.
And now what you’ve all been waiting for…..review of the JT concert. Yikes. It was an event. Good Charlotte opened. I’ve heard of them before. I don’t like them. In fact, I would go as far as saying they sucked. The banter was uninteresting at best and at times totally offensive. Justin...well he brought sexy back. He danced. He had dancers. I’ve never been to such a production before. I haven’t been to a big show since the 90’s. One of the greatest things about being an adult is being able to go to shows that say “no minors allowed”. I don't like music in arenas. I was really hoping that he’d sing the song “Damn Girl”. And he did! But his dancers were dancing like strippers. I didn’t like that. Damn girl, put your clothes back on.
Now the crowd. I will preface my opinion with this: I am not a hipster, and I am certainly not a scene-ster. That being said, I do, from time to time, find myself at particular scenes with hipsters. I may not entirely understand the life of the hipster, but they are familiar to me, and I feel comfortable around them. The crowd at JT was so weird. Mostly I felt like I was around the cool high school crowd. I don’t know how to describe it any better than that. Clubbers? I dunno.
My favorite part about the night was that I had on the best t-shirt in the joint. It was pink with sparkly pink letters that said: I'm bringing frumpy back. (Funny as shit, I know). No one seemed to think it was as awesome as I did until I was on the train sitting across from an unknown woman who began heartily laughing and told me I was funny. That woman knows funny.

HOPE!!!

On Thursday during my lunch break I sat at the pool in front of city hall. I love LOVE being near water...as long as it doesn't touch me. The day seemed pretty perfect. It was cool enough to wear my hood and I really love wearing a lot of clothes. I sat there and I flipped through a weekly and listened to Destroyer and then I got a coffee. On my way back to work I realized that I was in love. Not "in love" with a boy or something crazy like that. Just in love. The Creator really loves me and at that moment I felt it.
I believe in heaven. I don't think much about an otherworldly heaven, but I believe that the world is filled with bits of heaven and hell. When I choose love over self interest, I get a glimpse of heaven. Sometimes heaven just happens. I just happened to have my guard down for a second and the Creator reminded me of her presence and how good she is.
Yesterday I got some bad news. One of my favorite people in the world is struggling with some heavy shit right now. It broke my heart. Into a million pieces. But I have hope.
It's funny how I felt so rooted in goodness, and then a day later I watched it shatter. I couldn't stop yelling dirty words and then plead for healing. I can't imagine going through life without hope. I have such hope that there can be good. I have hope because I believe I am part of something big. I am part of the world that was carefully created and sustained by Love. I believe that Jesus was who he said he was. I have hope in community. I have hope that one day we'll understand why we consume. I have hope that one day all people will be valued equally. I have hope that one day we'll put down our arms. Maybe I won't see these things happen on this earth, but I still have hope.

Chin Paint

This morning, I woke up and thought: today is the day I'm gonna write a web log on how I regret buying tickets for the Justin Timberlake show. But then, when I was packing my bag for the day I put JT into my portable disc player (no ipod for me) and I realized my regret was unfounded. I AM GOING TO SEE JT! Woo hoo! It is going to be, like, so freaking awesome!
Woo! Hoo!
Last week was a fun week. Some highlights: I was walking to the first of 2 birthday parties, and I saw a girl on the sidewalk playing the guitar while rollerblading. I don't get girl crushes often...but she was playing the guitar while rollerblading! Aye carumba! I had my first (and possibly last) "Old Fashioned". It's just bourbon on the rocks with bitters and orange and a cherry. I don't think I like bourbon much. The next day (at birthday party number 2) the most adorable man in the world who serves in one of the most delightful diners in the city was at the bubble tea place. His adorable-ness turned into nerdy-ness outside of the diner, but it still felt like a brush with celebrity. On Friday, I went out for drinks with a few coworkers to celebrate buddy's last day. I work where I do for many reasons. One of the reasons is good staff. But in the past few months, all the people that I liked spending my breaks, and mental health moments with keep on leaving me. I still like those that are there, but they don't seem to have enough time for me. Sniff. Not a highlight. But I did drink one cosmo too many and had to regain my sainthood on Jess' couch while I whined about friends leaving me. On Saturday I saw Wilco. Did you hear me? Wilco. And, the eczema is back on my eyelid. Yes. And on Sunday I watched a really great documentary called "Art from the Street". It's about a program in Austin that allows street people to take art "classes" and then once a year there is a huge art show and sale and the people get to keep the money from their art. It was inspiring. Highlights of last week now officially over.
So far the highlight of this week has been a fake moustache.

Good Things

This week I moved into a slightly different position, and I moved from a shared office that overlooked the drop-in to a cubicle with windows. I don't have to worry about putting notes on my pen cup to ensure that I have a pen when I arrive in the morning. It's my office. Youpee! And with having windows, I can have plants. Youpee! I was cleaning out my drawers today and I found the library's Jane's Addiction album that is now 2 days overdue (I thought I had lost it). Youpee!
I have sent out a couple work emails encouraging everyone to go to the House of Bags (on 97 street between 105 and 106 ave). Today, a coworker sent out an echo email because she fell in with the place. (You are very welcome, House of Bags. It was a pleasure).
I had a mini discussion with someone who's leaving town soon. How much stuff is too much? Where is the line? He's planning on really simplifying his life this move. Stuff is something that I feel like I need to address in my life (yet again). Where is the line? How many black cardigans do I really need? What is it that God wants from me? Do I need to give up my cardigan collecting habit to be more like Jesus? Okay, so Jesus probably didn't wear cardigans, so I guess I have my answer. How is my stuff cluttering up my spirit? I think maybe more that I would like to believe. Why is that I need to be surrounded by books? (I've bought probably 25 books in the last month, and read only 2. (In my defense I may have the best second hand book source in the city). How is it that I have convinced myself that my footwear and leg wear is something to spend time and energy on? (This weekend I bought a pair of plain white Keds AND a BeDazzler. You do the math). I think that now is the time (again) to reevaluate my need for stuff, the stuff itself, and where my need for stuff is coming from. To tie this rant into the theme of this posting: the talk about stuff was very good timing. Youpee!
I have a cold and at first I thought it was the flu but it's not. Youpee! I took a nighttime decongestant and I think it's kicking in right now. Sleep. Youpee!
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Goodbye

One of our guys died today. He was the guy that could make me more miserable than anyone. He was the main character in more than one of my rants. He was also a very lovely man with an addiction. That addiction tried to steal his goodness. His goodness was always present, but often tainted. A few months ago he sat in my office weeping as he just lost one of his best friends. I hope they're together now bringing healing and comfort and love to each other. He got a hair cut this week and he looked very nice. I wanted to tell him that it looked good, but there is a good chance that it would have taken a turn for the worst so I said nothing. I don't regret not telling him - but I hope he knew that he looked very nice. I'm quite concerned about one of his buddies. They were like brothers. A coworker compared the two to the the old heckling men on the Muppet Show. God, please save him from himself. Protect him as he copes with this loss. Bring him hope. Bring him comfort. Bring him healing. Make him whole.
I feel so weird right now. I've just lost the person who sometimes made it hard for me to go to work in the morning. I've just lost someone who frustrated me so badly, and made me sad for the losses in his life. He worked hard, too hard, and lost his family. He believed in God and we chatted about how it's the same Jesus in all the churches. He would constantly get in my personal space, and I would constantly remind him that I needed space and then he would get in my space and then I would tell him that it was inappropriate and then he would tell me he found me attractive and then I would tell him that it was inappropriate and that I couldn't talk to him until he treated me with respect and then he would tell him that he respected me (with a little shake of his head) and then he would get in my space and then I would leave. God, thank you for my friend. I did not appreciate him enough. He totally drove me nuts. I'm sorry for the times that I was impatient and I gave up on him. Please bring healing to his life now. Please bring reconcilliation between him and his children and his wife. Make things right that got so messed up. Make things right.

Blog This, Sucka

Some people don't like the blogosphere. Today, someone told me he thinks "blogs are weak and smell". What? Obviously, I disagree. I even went as far as saying "blogging is my favorite pastime". What? Obviously that was an exaggeration. Airbanding is clearly my favorite pastime. I never feel as alive as I do with a pretend microphone in my hand. Sigh.
Lately, I've been thinking about my "dream job". Some people dream of being an accountant in a big firm. Some people just really want to teach Spanish to ungrateful teens. I realized last night that I am lacking a dream job, but I certainly have ideas of a dream life. I like what I do for the most part...when I don't want to kick someone in the crotch. So this may actually be as close as I will get to a dream job. Yikes. All I really want with life is to spend my days with poor people and the Creator. I want to live in community with people and dance my ass off. I want to be good friends with a dog. I want to be good friends with a little person/people (children, not necessarily short people). I want to drink coffee and write. I want to read. I think it's good for me to come to terms with a potential lack of career. I can just have a job and be reasonably happy without worrying about a promotion. At the same time, I don't want to put too much hope on a dream life, either. What if I can't live in community? What if I find out that my terrible dancing is actually terrible and entirely devoid of charm? What if I develop a severe allergy to both dogs and kids? What if? This sh** is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S! (Second time today I quoted this song).

Vermilion Fair

The Vermilion Fair was AWESOME for a very short while. I shrieked for about an hour. SHRIEEKKK! Carmel apples! SHRIEEEKK! KM who used to ride my bus asked if I was "married off". SHRIEEEKKK! I ran into Joel and Esther who exited my car about an hour earlier. SHRIEEEKKKK! We're in Vermilion! We're in VERMILION! We went to the beer gardens where all the drinks were only $3. Heidi and I watched a couple for far too long. Is this their first date? Did they meet tonight? Their knees are touching. Will their lips touch before the night is over? Man, oh man. Next year I want to be able to go for longer and look at the displays and the tractor pull and the grandstand show. And I will likely avoid eye contact with all the men again. But maybe I will be even more deliberate about it. (Or maybe I'll enjoy the $3 drinks a little more and be a little less deliberate). You are ALL invited to enjoy the festivities with me next year. So fun.

Rufus' Legs

My apologies to those of you that have already heard this story. (I'm thinking of changing the name of my blog to "stories that everyone who reads this blog has already heard" or "rage against the fill in the blank").
I was sitting outside Wunderbar (101 street and Whyte Avenue) at a table waiting for some music to knock my socks off. There were groups of people on each side of me. On one side sat a group of ER nurses from an inner city hospital. A guy that I know was half cut and asking for money. He was a bit persistent, but kind. One of the guys asked him to leave, and they both became aggressive. Then as he walked past me I tried to de-escalate the situation by, I dunno, talking to him like he was a person. And he was awesome as always, then as he passed the nurses they were really rude and told him that they were off work and they'd see him Monday (I understand the need for boundaries, but they were so ARROGANT and mean). I was really pissed off. Then he made a funny joke saying "this is called called WHITE avenue, right?" and they didn't get it. I was so angry I had to go inside. Grrrr... I was so angry and felt justified in my anger. I wanted to punch the most arrogant nurse. I'm glad I didn't. But I wished that I would have gone with my gut instinct and went for a walk with the guy to get him out of the scene and spare some of his humanity. But I didn't. I've been realizing that I will often hold onto anger and sadness from injustices - believing that if I don't feel like I'm going to break in two, then no one is grieving for the situation and someone NEEDS to grieve. I absolutely need to cry for the poor and broken, but it doesn't help anything to stew over it for centuries. I sometimes forget about Jesus and how he is really good at grieving. It's okay and even important to feel angry and sad about stuff, but if I don't pass it along to Jesus to redeem it then nothing is gained or made right.
On a lighter note... I'm going to the Vermilion fair tonight. Woohoo! And apparently Rufus Wainwright has really nice girlish legs. I don't know from first hand viewing, but that's all I've heard about for the last two days...

My Heart Will, My Heart Will Go On

Today had some suckiness to it. There was a twinge of suck. There's a regular at work that drives me nuts because he's dirty, and he said something dirty to me while touching my back and I freaked out and I told him to f*** off. Then I effed off upstairs because I thought I may otherwise punch him or the next person who got in my way. When I made my way back downstairs I found myself in the middle of a fight and that just pissed me off more. Then we closed up early because there was a near riot in the food line. Grrr..... Then I went for a walk with two coworkers where I explained how I don't do well with seemingly nice comments (ie. maybe you wouldn't have so many problems if you didn't look so good.) Grrr.... For the record: shut the eff up, biatch. And then I went back to work for a debrief of the morning's events and then a session on sexual harassment. And no, the Sexual Harassment Panda was not present. Thank you for asking. (And yes I am drinking wine right now. And no. It's not enhancing my mood. Thanks for asking.)
Peace and love. PEACE and LOVE.
(A boy that I had a celebrity crush on about 5 years ago added me as a friend on Facebook. OH-MY-GOODNESS!)

Desert Island

I love how the weather was THE event of the weekend. Heat. I don't love it as much as I don't love it. It makes me a bit sad when I leave my house with medium-okay hair and by the time I get to my destination I have "sad bangs syndrome" (SBS). I think the weather is one of my favorite things about Edmonton. Being an Edmontonian makes me feel like I'm hardcore. Don't mess with me. I'm hardcore.
About an hour ago I agreed that if I was stranded on a desert island I might partner with one of my coworkers. Now I just need to get on a plane...
Things I would like to bring with me on a desert island:
A stereo with Belle and Sebastian (the band, not just an album), mix tape including, but not limited to the songs: Billie Jean (MJ), Toxic (Britney) and Closing Time (Leonard Cohen). Lots of paper and colorful pens. The Message (I don't seem to enjoy reading it much right now, but if I was on a desert island I think I might crave it more). Books, books, books. A computer with the biggest battery in the world and the TV series Lost. I've never watched the show before, but I can't imagine a better time to start. And an umbrella. And a way off the island. And cocktails. And a way off the island.

Happy Happy

I have a terrible habit of blogging when I feel like my life is caving in. So here are some happy things about today:

* When I went to get the paper, there was also a little bag from Jess who left this morning for Guatemala. Keys so I can water her plants, fruit that would otherwise rot, and a card and cookies because she loves me.
* I called a number at just the right time and got a guy a place to live.
* In response to a moment of grumpy-ness, a coworker got down on his knees and did his best sea lion impression. It was impressive.
* I did the dishes for the first time since Saturday and now the kitchen looks habitable once more.
* Supper at Sugarbowl with E squared (she paid).
* Hung out with Lauryn and Heidi.
* Hung up the painting that Todd to the Shin made for my birthday (it's in my bedroom for all those that care).
* Hung in. (that was lame-ass. sorry).

I was recently remembering going to Shakespeare in the Park in Montreal a few years ago. I can't remember what play it was but I do know that it was set in the settlers time and some of it was in French and some of the characters were Aboriginal. It sounds like a great idea but I remember thinking: Edmonton's is better. Good work Edmonton, good work. I saw "Two Gentlemen of Verona" on Tuesday. It was great. Good work Shakespeare, good work.

My heart has broken more this afternoon. I am tired of all of this.
I just was the first on scene after a woman got stabbed in the ass. Sadly, that was one of the better parts of my day. Shakespeare...you better be better than I'm expecting....

Updates

To all my adoring fans, I'm very sorry for neglecting you of the mundane going-ons of my life the past week. So here is a brief update on my life:
* After being near Caylie for a couple hours, my craftiness decided that it was finally time to re-surface. I altered a shirt that I bought over a month ago. So if you see me wearing a silly looking shirt with sea creatures....
* I completed my birthday celebrations on Friday with supper and hanging out. I ordered the WORST meal ever and I was really sad. But then I bought wine with a really cute label and became less sad. Oh yah, and I hung out with some of the best people ever. That made me less sad, too. (Esther and Joel made me a shirt that almost caused me to pee my pants. It has their faces on robot bodies. Funny.)
* I celebrated Jessica's birthday. I got to go to Value Village and I made an ice cream cake that was apparently DEE-licious. I also sat by a fire that was fuelled by stained wood. I think the toxins are almost off my body.
* Since Friday I've been trying to get someone into an emergency accommodation. She came in today with a black eye - and now my heart is broken. Perfect.
* On Sunday I went to some live music and I almost talked to an old friend who is now married and apparently not my friend. Maybe one day he'll want to talk to me...
* Yesterday I started reading "Girlfriend in a Coma" - and then I went into a coma at 8:30. Coincidence?
* Tonight I am going to Shakespeare in the Park and I am excited.
* No one (not one) took me up on the boyfriend application. Truthfully, I'm not disappointed. Maybe a little.

It's Time

I spent the afternoon reading at Churchill Square. I was sitting at a table in the beer gardens where it was nice and shady. I had just settled in when a coworker came and sat down with me. Now, we were in the beer gardens and I think she was there for awhile before I got there. She seemed quite upset that I was there by myself and she told me that I need a boyfriend. She's praying that I find a boyfriend. And she really really hopes that I find a boyfriend someday. And that I really really need a boyfriend. So I've decided to start accepting applications. (For a brief overview of the application process click here). Interested applicants can post their qualifications in confidence on the comments page. Best of luck.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Rock Show

We were almost in Red Deer when we got a flat tire. We were in the process of finding the spare and looking for a jack when a man and his daughter pulled up to give us a hand. Ten minutes later we were back on the road. We were clueless with where to go and what would be opened. Then we saw it. The Toyota dealership. I flashed the guy at the front desk and he promptly took my keys. We watched Malcolm in the Middle, read celebrity mags, played Sudoku and talked about boys while we waited. They weren't able to patch the tire, but did have one "in the back". When I went to pay for it, he said it was on the house and the paperwork would be more of a hassle than the tire was worth. What? The moral of this story: always travel with a group of "helpless girls" and always, always flash the guy at the front desk. One more thing. We took my car, and it was packed with five people and bags and carrot sticks and blankets. So, the poor guy had to move all our sh*t to put the tire back. I still feel a bit bad about that. But getting helped by a stranger and getting a tire for free was the best possible start to the trip. I can't think of anything that could have made me happier.
Destroyer and CVG were fantastic. They played at a church and I really like going to shows at churches. Yesterday we had the day to kill and we went to the Calgary Art Gallery and the exhibit was by John Hartman on cities and it was perfect. I love LOVE "the city". The city at its best reminds me our interdependence and makes me love the Creator. And I was able to enjoy the city in a new city and it was perfect. And Nelson Henricks "Map of the City" was fantastic. Mother Mother and Spoon were both awesome and I saw my aunt there. I also rubbed myself into a minor celebrity. And there were no flat tires on the way home. Just an awkward conversation with a kid at 7 eleven. Sigh. And the weekend has just begun!

Best Present

Today I remembered how last year Mike T. wrote and recorded me a birthday song and then did an airband to it. That was my best present ever.
Speaking of best presents...I had the most bizarre work interaction today. This person who was just stopping through town asked for support with a couple things before she continued on her way back home. About 4o minutes into our conversation she tells me that I "fascinate her". It may not sound creepy, but it was. I told her it was inappropriate, etc. and then she changed it to "this centre fascinates me," and then told me that I'm a genius that, um, fascinates her. Then she saw a paper on my notice board about transitional housing, and how she'd like to stay in the city and work with me on a daily basis. (At this point, she began to tap her fingers like I was tapping mine. I promptly stopped tapping). I told her that I couldn't work with her because she's being inappropriate, and there are other workers that would be better suited for her needs. She responds with: but I'd go into "Angela withdrawal". Yeah, this is like 5o minutes into meeting each other, and she was gonna go into withdrawal? Hmmm.....? So I had to go "check a fax" and what do I hear but my new friend moaning "Aannnngela..... Aannnngela...... Aannnngela.....". OH. MY. GOODNESS. Yeah. I really encouraged her to hop on the midnight bus going home.

Jens asks: ARE Birthdays Happy?

It was nearly two years ago that I had the worst birthday of my life. I've had many bad birthdays but this one was the bad-est. There were many problems. I had just come back from a terrible trip to Vancouver. I went there because...God told me to (?). What she was thinking? I don't know. I audited a class at Regent on the writings of Charles Williams. I love him. (He influenced many writers. "The Place of the Lion" was written before C.S. Lewis created Aslan. Check it out). I fell in love with a writer, so that was good. I also got parasites. My girls drove me down and it was at a patio along the ocean in White Rock that a bird shit in Lane's food. I thought mine was okay until I was finishing up and then realized that there was grey on my tomato. I was ILL the whole three weeks that I was there. The trip wasn't all Williams and sickness, I also had time to hang out in the downtown east side. Man I "love" slums.

So, I got back from this bizarre trip where I was so sick and so confused and so .... what the eff God? and I came home to craziness. There were people at my house ALL the time. And I'm not talking about "Heidi-people" I'm talking about people that I sometimes didn't want to be around. I come home from this excruciating trip and my home is not my home. My "home" is filled with roommates' friends until really late and I and just want it all to end.

I was looking for a job and thought that I could maybe settle for just a job. So I started at a coffee shop in a grocery store. And I had to wear a little hat. I was there for three days. On my third day I woke up and I was 25 and I was going to a shitty job where I had to wear a little hat and I freaked out and when I got home at the end of the day, I called the manager and quit and lied and said that I had another offer more in my field. Then I cried again. And then my friends took me to a patio with terrible music. And THAT was my worst birthday ever.

The next year, I went to the zoo during the day. Ate good food. Went to Wilco. This year, I'll be going to see Spoon. I think I'm on a roll. Sorry about all the birthday talk, but if I don't bore you, WHO will I bore?

It's my grandpa's birthday on the 28th and I discovered that he shares the same birthday as Rousseau. So, I decided to put a quote on his birthday card:

"Watch a cat when it enters a room for the first time. It searches and smells about, it is not quiet for a moment, it trusts nothing until it has examined and made acquaintance with everything.” Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712-1778).

And THAT is why we study him today.

Jens, thanks for posing that important question. The answer is: sometimes.

3 things

I JUST got the BIGGEST hug ever from my favorite street person who just happens to have the bluest eyes on earth.

There was a fire that destroyed some of the Simple Ways' buildings.

Light City Fiction. Check them out.

Robot Jokes

I was looking for robot jokes today and here are some good ones.

Jokes
Made by Robots,
for Robots.

BY J. ALEX BOYD

- - - -

A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits.

A robot walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist asks him if he'd like anything. The robot replies, "A soul."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A robot.
Oh, shit.

What's the difference between a regular robot and a killer robot?
The gnawing jeers of men.

What's a robot's favorite cereal?
Rob-os.
(Note: Rob-os are made of the tears of human children.

Why did the robot order a milkshake?
To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.

Mayor of the Universe

I think that there should be a new addition to driver education and driving exams. This part would include appropriate and inappropriate ways to communicate with pedestrians and other drivers. Specifically this would include when and when not to yell things. I don't want to sound sexist, but if I was Mayor of the Universe I would target this education and testing on young men. Actually it would target all men. (I may be questionably sexist but I am NOT ageist).
I'm very curious what people think they will accomplish by doing the drive by catcall at someone walking on the sidewalk. "Gee whiz. That girl has all limbs attached - that's an attractive quality. Maybe if I yell something about the way she walks she'll want to have dinner with me and we'll fall in love over poetry and curry". Or "Wow. I've never seen a girl so close-up before. Maybe if I say something that makes her want to have an emotional shower she'll feel so broken and used she'll agree to sleep with me". For the record: maybe not.
Just yesterday I was commenting on how much better I've been feeling since I don't work in the drop in. I'm not surrounding by so many people all the time and I don't get hit on very often and I can dress normal. Skirts! Scarves! Sneakers! But then today I had a chat with a Mr. Dirty and it made me so angry. I find it interesting how a word (pretty) can be so nice, and can turn into an attack on one's person. Grrr.... Once again I don't know how I managed to get this life. I am SO not that girl. Anyway, soon after that annoying interaction Jesus brought my favorite crazy man into the office. He was fun. And he always makes me giggle and he was giggly today and he used some of the same words that Mr. Leer used, and like that I wanted to snap Mr. Leer's neck a little bit less. And I still might wear a skirt tomorrow.

Summer Loving

Wilco is coming to town August 18th. Yes. And the Works festival starts this week. There will be some good shows at Churchill Square. I'm looking forward to seeing some bands that I should already know. I really love summer. I always forget that I love it and then am always pleasantly surprised at how effin' awesome it is. Rock on, summer friends. Rock on.

Put Your Hands on Your Hips and pull your knees in tight...

For the first time ever I encouraged a colleague to read my blog. And he did. I think that it was a bit frightening for both us of us. I feel like we've entered new and exciting territory. Hello Jay, welcome to my blog.
I'm not sure if I should be allowed outta my house with my wallet from now on. I went to look for a baby shower gift (for a really great video with dinosaurs about showers click here). I came home with a really cute navy blue polka dot scarf, "Office Space" and "Rocky Horror Picture Show". None of those items are baby shower appropriate. Fortunately, all are Angie appropriate. (At least someone can use them).
It is raining really hard right now and there's lots of thunder. I'm sure thankful that I can enjoy the storm from the comfort of my home. And that my home isn't a tent.

Sad Day

First of all, I would just like to say that people only think I look like Lisa Loeb because of the glasses. That's it. We all know that's it. Just because my visual aid is a permanent fixture on my face and Lisa Loeb's "visual aid" is a permanent fixture on her face does not mean that we look alike. Okay? Okay.

Secondly, I helped with evicting homeless people yesterday. It was one of the most bizarre and sickingly sad events of my life. The B Centre was forced to ask people to move their camps out of our parking lot. I don't know how we got to this place where we so obviously disregard the value of some lives. (One amusing moment during the eviction was when a umm, verbose camper was talking to the camera and asked Mayor Howie Mandel to do something about the situation. I admit it, I giggled).
Check out the story here.