Modern School Girl

The months of stressing about my stupid 10 year reunion are now behind me. I am not so good in most social situations, and found myself clinging to the much more popular Heidi. It was nice to see some people and I became relieved with the way my life has turned out. I wanted an education. I got an education. I wanted a career. I have a career. I wanted love and fun and happiness. I have everything that I dreamed of. I spent the day with Heidi and the smartest kid in school. As we caught up with people and told them what we were doing (social work, community health nurse, and engineer) people would often respond with: that fits. That's not a surprise. I now wish that I would have told people that I was an accountant. I wonder if responses would have been the same.
I am self aware. I am aware of what I'm thinking, feeling, how my bowels respond to ____. But I've never been very good at knowing what people think of me. I'm too introverted and shy to ever be popular. I dance too loud and messy to ever be pretty. I have too many opinions to ever be a pleasant party people. I have absolutely no idea what people think of me. So, it was a bit surprising to hear that some of my former classmates were cognizant enough of my existence to actually have expectations for my life.
The fair was fair. The tractor pull was dampened by the rain and the fact that my heart was broken by two boys I love who don't seem to reciprocate the feeling. I was able to catch up with a couple people I hadn't seen in years and I am even going to work towards becoming facebook friends with them. I also got to hang out with my niece. I don't see her often enough and she is getting bigger and more alert. I hope that she ends up looking like me. Then she cannot deny that I am related to her. Ha! I am going to teach her about so many things. About vegetarianism, and how to use a sewing machine, and second hand shopping, and global trading practices, and how the senate was originally created to equalize the provinces, and Jesus. We are going to have a blast. It's strange to think of how my kids (if I have kids) will likely have such different childhoods from their cousins. My children will likely grow up with little money. They will have to pick only one sport to play. They will eat their veggies. I hope that those kids will get along. And that is the end of this post.

Stick Shifts and Tractor Pulls

I totally need a vacation. I have taken to yelling at clients on a regular basis and I don't even feel bad about it. I think justified anger is almost never justifiable. It's usually a bad sign in my life. I was pissed yesterday because I busted my butt finding accommodation for my hardest to house client. I was successful - but the client didn't follow through with picking up the rent money. Not cool. This morning I managed to track the person down, drive the person to pick up the cheque, go to the bank to cash the cheque, take the money to the accommodation, pay the rent, and put the receipt on file. That is good. What else is good? Yesterday at Yahtzee, two people rolled two Yahtzees each. I know. I rolled zero Yahtzees. I felt a bit hurt by the dice. But my wounds will heal.

I am heading to Vermilion tonight. The fair started yesterday. Tomorrow I will be lunching with some people from high school. And then I will be going to the tractor pull. I cannot stop thinking about how I can't wait for those tractors. I will probably be entertained for about 1o minutes, but the anticipation will stay with me forever.

Hmm...what else? The mortgage people called me yesterday to ask some questions. Here's a quick update on the housing community thing. After looking at a number of options, my crew has decided to not become a co-op, and not be joint tenants, or any of the other options that I've written about. We decided to incorporate as a business. The business will be buying a building, we will help the mortgage by putting in share loans that the business will one day pay us back. We will be renting from the company. We talked to an accountant for feedback, and he thought that the idea was fabulous. Now, when I give the latest update to my folks, I can say: listen, the accountant said it was a fabulous idea. I am totally addicted to real estate websites. I think I will go into withdrawal when we finally buy a place.

Ninja School

I was exceptionally grouchy today. I ended up sleeping in until 8 and then took my sweet time showering and eating breakfast and then decided to drive when I was supposed to be starting work. As I was pulling up to the building, a guy called me a bitch. I guess he thought that I would have hit him had I taken an extra 20 seconds to turn the corner. Then, the dumpster was moved closer to my parking space. Grr... And there was a jacket on the ground that I was going to run over. I went to pick it up and realized that there was shit on the ground. I was cursing up a storm by this point. The first people that I saw once I was in the building is one of my most difficult clients. I yelled at her. The day continued on in much of the same way. But we decided to have a debrief over drinks. That balanced things out a bit.

On a different note...

I really like Woodpigeon and these pretty words force me to love them:

I went to Ninja School to learn how to murder you with just one little punch

Never Going to Sleep

I have a bad case of the post-dance adrenaline "what have I done?" pumping through my body. I sure hope that I can fall asleep soon so I can be bright and perky for my 8 am meeting tomorrow. 

Door is Officially Closed

I have decided that my distaste for dating and dudes is much stronger than a fear of always having to sleep in the kitchen. So that door, at least in the blogosphere, is now closed. 

And, you may be interested in the fact that I angrily yelled at a deaf woman this week. I was really really angry. 

Longest Weekend Ever

Highlights of the past weekend:
* Friday night right after work. Party #1. Funny, funny, funny. I left the party at 7:30. I witnessed (second hand) what multiple 3 oz martinis can do to a person by 7:30. Yikes.
* Friday later evening. Party #2. Went to a dance club. Dance beats that I could not dance to. Girls dancing on platforms. Girls with wings swinging. Eww.
* Saturday morning. Mom woke me up by calling but didn't leave a message. She and dad once again neglected to give me any warning that they were coming to town. I missed them. They ran into friends at the Art Walk. Mom told my friend that she really hopes I find a partner. Awkward.
* Saturday afternoon. Went to a meeting. The key member was driving back to the province. Meeting rescheduled.

* Saturday early evening. Went to a modern dance performance. I am now going to try to convince all my friends to join me in a collaborative dance troupe.

* Saturday mid-evening. Nachos. I eat them once in a while now and they don't kill me. I had a headache and a nurse gave me a Tylenol. I asked what the 3 meant on the back (I hate coedine) and she said "300 mg" and I said "okay" then put it in my mouth. Then spit it back out when she said "wait! 3?"
* Saturday late evening. Keg party at Andy's.
* Sunday morning. Church was good. I liked it.

* Sunday early evening. The door bell rang. I thought it was a friend. It was someone looking for food. Maybe some soup. After looking through my cupboards, I ended up giving him a banana and a red pepper. It may be time to go shopping.
* Sunday evening. Party #3. I washed my punch bowl. Put frozen juice concentrate in bowl. Small crack formed. I said "it's just a small crack, it's not leaking, it'll be okay". I proceeded to pour litre after litre into the bowl. The bowl broke in two, covering me in juice. I think the floor will be sticky for the next four months.
* Sunday evening continued. Friend came back from lake. Friend went to garage sale. Friend bought me pink converse high tops. Size 7.

Dropped My Keys

In my younger days, I thought the "oops, I dropped my keys" exaggerated butt-in-the-air was the funniest of all things. I just dropped my keys in the drop in and someone requested that I do it again. It wasn't funny. In fact, I mouthed the words F*** OFF! It's a little bit funny now.

Sh...

I touched a towel that had shit on it. I was taking some towels out of the washer and I broke my "wear gloves always" rule and grabbed them with my bare hands. As I was pulling them out I noticed a big piece of glass in the washer. Then I realized that the towel I was holding had shit on it. Shit. I am watching "Up in Smoke" for the first time. I am now a woman of the world.

Blood Money

Augh. One step forward, fifty steps back. I am feeling a bit discouraged right now. Why did we decide that money is adequate compensation for pain? I know someone who bought an RV with their residential school settlement. I know someone who bought hookers and mouthwash with their residential school settlement. I need balance. Sometimes I wish that I didn't love the people that I love. I would then be without love, and I guess that wouldn't make me feel any more balanced. Would life be any easier if I felt drawn to care for middle-class stay at home moms? I wish I could find reprieve from my life for just a little while. I guess that's what dancing and sewing machines are for. I know life isn't about being easy but why does it have to be so much about pain?

Knock Knock

Looking for a Door

The almost 30 thing is still in my thoughts. I like my life in general. It is not perfect, but I am generally happy in it. I have really good people in my life. I have an ipod full of awesomeness, I am able to go to the library multiple times a week. Life is quite good. I am single. That is also quite good. I don't deal with boy drama very well and I have enough drama in other areas of my life. Due to my self awareness, and my distaste for unnecessary drama, I am unable to really enter the casual dating  scene. I am almost 30 and everyone knows that if you are not married by 30, then you might as well join the group at church for the perpetually single. This means that I now have less than 2 years to find myself a husband or I will be single forever and never get a choice room when visiting my folks. Only couples get a good room. I will have to move a mattress into the kitchen every Christmas for the rest of my life. I want a room with a door. In order to get a door, I first need to get a husband. So it is time. 

This is not an easy task for me. I am very particular and somewhat snotty and I don't really like guys. I can and do like guys, but I don't really like guys as a category. As a category, men yell out the windows of their SUVs. They drive SUVs. They....  Because of the dirty few I respond to all with my scowl of death. The scowl of death is not going to help me get a door.

This is all I am looking for. Appropriate age. Not a committed meat eater. Social justice advocate. Likes music. Nice pants. Likes Jesus. Now why is that so hard? Probably because I give every boy I meet the scowl of death. Maybe I should change my goal from getting a door to getting a puppy. Or develop a shopping addiction. I could go shopping with my puppy. It would be so awesome. 

ps. Listen to Bon Iver. You will not be disappointed.

Hit and Run

I am almost 30. Just thought I should get that out in the open. In less than 2 years I will be 30. And that's okay. It will all be okay.

I had a really good birthday weekend. I took off Friday and Monday and today is Canada Day so I was able to really extend the birthday. I had a fun party on Friday. There was a fire and an airband and love. The next day I was very sick because I had a deep tissue massage on Friday and I neglected to drink 20 litres of water and I was super dehydrated. Ha. Sunday was my birthday and I ate a cookie during church and then I saw some family. My middle brother ended up coming! He is making some changes to his life and he's doing so well. It was really good to see him. 

I went to Heidi's after the family gathering. I decided to go out and get sushi because I was hungry and I like to eat every day. I drove and on my way back I was involved in a hit and run with a pedestrian. I was at a red light as it turned green I started to drive. I didn't see anyone in front of me and then bang! This girl ran into my side mirror and then continued running to the sidewalk. I waited a few seconds to see if she was alright and then she kept on running. I was upset because she could have been hurt. But she ran into me. I tried to track her down but I couldn't find her. Happy Birthday to me.  

Yesterday I convinced Heidi to hang out with me yet again. I wanted to find a top for a skirt for a function in a few weeks. We went to the big mall. I found a jacket that looked very promising. I went to try it on with a skirt that I brought from home and then realized that I didn't have my bag with me. I freaked. I retraced my steps and eventually I went to the right store and it was behind the counter. Whew. That would have sucked. The jacket worked. The outfit is now complete. I am ready to party in a fancy kind of way. 

OMG

Hey you effers, do I have a story for you! I have been quite stressed the last week and a bit because some I know was getting a really large chunk of money as repayment for being abused as a youngster. I was able to support him through the process of getting his ID (not his id - it was already there), paperwork, walking him to the Service Canada centre, etc. I was quite concerned because a large amount of money could sure kill a person with addictions issues. He came in on Thursday sober and with his partner. His cheque came in that day. Together we went to the bank, opened an account, put almost all the money away with a little left over for a couple of bikes. It was perfect. Thank you God. I think that may be my first good story ever. 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

It’s almost been a year since my last birthday party. Yes, it is that time of the year when I cry a lot and feel disappointed with both myself and the world. I had high hopes for this past year, but it turned out different that I had expected and hoped. This year was a year of waiting. It was the unseen progress stage of a number of projects. Things have happened, but I have yet to see the results. I am one impatient dude. My work, my volunteering, my housing. I've been waiting on these major areas and am still waiting. I am sure that I will see a lot of changes in the next year. I better. Or else...
On a happier note, friends are letting me have a party at their place. I haven't planned a party since I rented the hall for the airband party - more than a year and a half ago. I am so excited. I am making cake, and bringing my punch bowl. I made a music list. Maybe this time next year I will throw a party at my own place with a yard. And a baby. I mean a puppy. I mean a new pair of jeans.

Hollywood Ending

My best friday ever was today. It included driving all the cool kids to our work retreat at the lake; watching a crappy movie with Jess about regatone; dancing with Jess to regatone; enjoying some spirits with Jess; communion with Jess and Jesus; Jess sleeping on my couch as I type. I like having friends. I am tired and am impressed with my ability to spell and push most of the right keys. I probably shouldn't publish this, but I probably will...right after spell check.

FORE!!!

I went to the library this evening and the cute boy was there, and so were some books. I the went to the mall because it was open. I was wearing a nerdy sweater vest and I decided to look for shorts. I tried on a pair of plaid shorts, and with my vest and "make me puke they're so cute" socks with pompoms on I looked ready to hit the greens (or a more appropriate euphemism for going golfing). So I bought those shorts. My summer wardrobe is now complete. I can't wait to make some golf jokes. I can not wait. 

Flew the Coop

Okay, so my 2 posts in one day is an obvious sign of my high level of emotionality. I'm a deep feeler and I am home alone. Cut me some slack. 

We are not going to form as a cooperative. It just happened. One of our members sadly informed the group today that she doesn't feel right about joining the co-op. So we took 2o steps back and started from the beginning and decided that with the smaller group that it would not be unreasonable to buy a building with a shared mortgage as joint tenants (or tenants in common - I'm not sure which one yet). It can happen quicker, and we won't need the help of the consultant. We don't have to become a legal entity. It will be simple. We each need to get pre-approved for a mortgage and then we can look for a building while HS tries to sells her place. We buy a building and then we move in and live happily ever after until someone decides they want out.  Awesome? Yes. 

I sometimes have a hard time deciding what I want and what I think I should want. I really thought that I should want to do something noble and good and giving like start a continuing co-op where people for years ahead will be able to have good, affordable housing. That is a good thing to want. But what I really want is to make an investment to help supplement my small wage at my noble and good and giving job. I am not a saint. I am not perfect. And, I have an overwhelming student debt.... I am excited because the building will still be focused on community, simplicity, sharing, and dance parties. I will just be slightly better off financially in the end than I would if we did the coop thing. I feel good about pursing this want. It's not like my want to drink Starbucks coffee, or to buy cute clothes from the mall that was made by children in (fill in the blank of country). I don't think this want will hurt anybody, it will just help me be able to eat my seven dollar bread into the future.  Phew.  

Magic/Real

Islands really are forever. No joke. There is just something about pretty pop with dark, creepy lyrics that really touch my heart. Sigh. And I got my first crush on a rapper. His name is Despot and he is funny and uses his fists well. What more could a girl ask for? It was an admittedly short-lived crush. It ended when he came went back on stage without a shirt on. I prefer boys that are fully clothed. It was a good show with big egos. 

(ps. I have not yet gone to boston pizza or moxie's. I did sit in a quizno's, but I had sushi in my purse for later, so I didn't have to think of a month long stomach ache just to fit in...).

Working for the Joy of Giving

True story. Yesterday I managed to leave work early and I decided that I wanted to eat pizza. I can't really do the Kinnikinick pizza crusts that Prego uses because it has a lot of corn and tapioca in it. So I decided to make my own. I was going to let the yeast do it's thing while I got some cider. What better to accompany not-quite-pizza than not-quite-beer?! As I was putting the yeast back in the fridge I realized that it was (drumroll.....) AMARANTH! Oops. I would have been waiting for a hell of a long time for that to rise. I drank. I ate. I was merry. 

I am starting to feel settled in life once more. It's a good feeling. I go through the motions of work without much emotion. Neutrality can be very very comforting. I really like changes, and we're having some physical changes with our buildings at work. I think that may have something to do with my contentment. Plus, our housing co-op group (On Earth) has met with the consultant once and we're making some head way. We are meeting again tomorrow to work on vision statement and goals. It's exciting. 

On a side note: I am going to see Islands tonight. Jealous? And my friend for almost 10 years, Jeff A is coming down tonight. Most of the friends that I've had for 10 years I get to see at least weekly. But not Jeff A. I almost never see him. We don't have anything in common and I think it's funny and nice that we still are friends. He is someone who is very good at keeping up friendships. I bought a loaf of bread and a frozen pizza with meat on it for him. I tried to think of things that I really wouldn't like and then thought that there was a good chance that he would like them. That's kind of the way things are with us. We don't like the same music, movies, food, or activities. One time I took him to the SugarBowl for supper. Nothing too out of the ordinary there. Comfortable atmosphere, meat and veggie options. I thought that it would be a good option that would please us both. I was wrong. I am not going to Boston Pizza or Moxie's. I will not. I wonder if he reads my blog. (hi Jeff. xxxoooxoxo)

On another side note. Crosby Stills Nash and Young break my heart. Everytime. 

Why You Shouldn't Do Drugs

The following conversation is an example of why you shouldn’t do drugs.
ME: Listen dude. When you’re sober we have good conversations and we get along well. When you’re drinking you kind of creep me out, and annoy me by following me around. Do you understand what I’m saying?
HE: (nods head)
ME: Okay, what did I just say?
HE: I’m a very beautiful woman.
ME: What? No! I said we get along when you’re sober, but I don’t want to talk to you when you’ve been drinking. What did I just say?
HE: I am beautiful.
ME: No! You are not listening to me. I am not going to talk to you when you’re drinking.
HE: Why do you always get mad at me?
ME: (anger rising)
HE: When I am going to feel you up?
ME: (quickly leaving room so that I didn’t kick him in the crotch).

Listen kids, drugs cause brain damage. Don’t become a HE.

Look at that Hare!

Last night I had a dream about some guys from high school. Guys that I was not friends with in high school. I was somewhere and I noticed on the tv these guys were in a music video. I remember referring to them as a boy band even though they didn't dance and they played their own instruments. They were this band that was some how discovered 10 years later. They weren't making music now, it was from high school. I thought they were so cool. I ended going to some release party and I hung out with them. And then my long lost college friend Jeff showed up (probably because he called me last night). It was a funny one.
I think some of the boys were Jason T, Jeff J, maybe Craig B... really random guys. I did paint yesterday. Maybe the dream was an after effect of the fumes.....???

Stop Look and Listen

The other day, I went for a quick walk to the corner store to pick up a paper to check out garage sale listings. I was smart and did not go to any because, let's face it, I already have all the crap a girl could want. As I was approaching the store I noticed a small group of people. I usually try to avoid eye contact, because I know a lot of people in the hood, but I don't want them to know where I live. As I made my way closer, one of the guys yelled out: look at that girl! It was funny. It was the best heckle I have ever heard. I didn't feel dirty. I mostly just giggled. But it did get me thinking...maybe I should stop wearing my tube top in public. 

The Art of Being Ugly

I have been looking for old photos of myself for a slide show for our 10 year high school reunion. Fun, fun, fun. Apparently I was a pretty baby, I then became cute up to about age 9. That's the year I got glasses and by that time my hair (specifically my bangs) began to be routinely tortured by perms. No longer cute. The ugliness continued until about the age of 21. I think depression and my general sense of not wanting to be largely contributed to the ugly. Now, I don't want to sound like I'm challenging God or anything, BUT seriously...adolescence was a mistake, right? What an awful awful time. By grade 11, I had a firmly established friend group that were really really great. I didn't look good, but I felt pretty good.

I have been pouring through old photos and looking at my brothers when they were little. It makes me sad to think of things that they are now dealing with. I am also quite sad because they used to really like me. I feel loved by my family, but sometimes it would be nice to feel liked and understood. Ugly remnants have stayed and hardened me. I am not easy to know. I spew out facts, often without discretion, but manage to remain cold and reserved. I know it's not all my fault that things are the way they are, but I sometimes just really wish things didn't suck so much. 

My Ears Popped

Although this is no longer a body blog, my effing ears just popped. I have tried the cover the nose and blow strategy since high school, and it just doesn’t work. But due to my chronic dizziness/unbalance, I decided that it was time to take charge. The Eustachian tube clearing exercise only does so much (tug up and out on ear, and with opposite hand massage down side of neck to shoulder blade). I read a description of an exercise: take a breath in, and pinch nose as you blow out. It is the same stupid exercise as cover your nose and blow out, but it now works. I do it differently some how. I am excited. I may still have problems, but I now have another exercise. Yip!
I had an extended long weekend. I worked half days both Thursday and Friday, Monday was a stat, and I took Tuesday off. It was good. My housemate is on vacation, so I spent the weekend not fully closing the bathroom door and flushing the toilet only when necessary. My water consumption is almost manageable. I went for walks, and watched tv, and organized some papers, and saw some friends, and planted some flowers, and pretty much just chilled and it was awesome. And I’m not so dizzy now that I have learned how to pop my ears. Yip! Yip!

Do It

Today I started a blog about my body. Try to find it. I dare you.