Hello, Cupcake!

About 3 hours ago I was thinking that I may never blog again. I usually write when I am terribly sad or terribly happy or excited or bored or when I think that maybe the world needs a little more of me. Lately I have been feeling...well, nothing. I am more tired than anything. We got the house and we get possession in eight days. I am excited. But not that excited. And not that happy. The winter is a fun fun time in my life. 

But I went for a walk to the library this evening. I checked the holds section even though I was pretty sure that I didn't have any materials waiting for me. Was I ever wrong. I have been waiting for about 2 months for a particularly delightful book with pretty pictures. Today was the day. Without warning, "Hello, Cupcake!" was sitting on the shelf waiting for me. For me! I jumped up and down. I can still hardly believe it. I feel like for at least a night a cloud has been lifted and I am free. Free to dream of sugary (gluten free) snacks. Free to dream about making people jealous with my soon to be acquired mad cupcake decorating skills. Free. Hello, Cupcake. Nice to meet you.

Happy Thoughts

I am planning an airband party for Halloween. I am really excited. I love love airbands. I love dancing. I love dressing up. I love it.

Friday, October 31
At Circles: 9954-111 Avenue
Doors at 10:00 pm
Cover $5

I need more airband in my life. You do too.

Scaredy Cat

Someone tried following me home not once, but twice this week. I am not afraid of many things. I am afraid of going into space. Space travel is unnatural and I feel like I am going to puke when I think of it. I am afraid of someone accidentally feeding me gluten - or sneakily feeding me meat. Gluten hurts me for weeks and meat makes me cry. I am not usually afraid of people. I felt quite afraid this week. I am not accustomed to the feeling and I don't like it. I like to walk. I like to walk to work. I like to walk at night. I like my independence and I refuse to let myself live the life that many tell me is my destiny. You know, be afraid. Find a man for protection. Learn how to make a roast. I am not going to use my gender or age as an excuse to not live the life that I deserve. I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to live life to the full. But I also don't want to be...stupid...careless. How do I know if I the choices I make are motivated by discernment or fear? I decided to drive to work for the next week. Fear or discernment? ?? ???

(This isn't overly related to the post, but it brought me comfort and peace.)
"O Lord, open my eyes that I may see the needs of others; open my ears that I may hear their cries; open my heart so that they need not be without succor; let me not be afraid to defend the weak because of the anger of the strong, nor afraid to defend the poor because of the anger of the rich ... And so open my eyes and my ears that I may this coming day be able to do some work of peace for thee. "- Alan Paton

I Cried

I was at a conference today with work. And I cried many times - once during a pop song. (A lame-ass move, I know). I do not encourage music to be played during lectures. This bias was strongly reinforced last year when I heard Brennan Manning speak at the Micah Challenge conference. He had a boom box and he played songs during his talks. Cheesy Christian songs. I found it terribly awkward. Terribly.

Today I was at the Schizophrenia Conference and it was great, but the day was hard to get through. A number of the speakers talked about addiction and mental illness. I am having a very emotive response to addictions right now due to some family stuff. It's nothing new, but we are in the midst of a flare up. It's in my face. It fills my thoughts. It fills my heart. (Only love can break my heart). I was feeling vulnerable and then the speaker played the song "How to Save a Life". I don't let myself like things that suck. I don't like the song. It sucks. But it made me cry. I didn't want to cry. I mean, seriously, I was on the clock and it's one of those songs that is supposed to make you cry. I don't want to turn into one of those people. You know, one of those people who rents a romantic movie every Friday night and cries when whatever happens in romantic movies that makes people cry. (I want to remain one of those people who stays at home on a Friday night with a Macbook and a glass of Sangria and cries and cries alone. Yah, that's much better...). It's uncomfortable crying while working. Don't get me wrong, if I could get paid every time I cried I could pay off my student loans a little quicker, and maybe get a new winter jacket... Anyway...I am not nearly as desperate as I probably sound, but I am still sad. 

I appreciate the grittiness of life. The risk of pain enriches life - love. I can't even image love without risk. Love would be cheap without it. But when the pain is active, I lighten up a little. Pain sucks. It just sucks. My mind is on a beautiful boy that I have watched grow for 20 years. Little brother, you are loved more than you can even imagine. The Creator has not forgotten you. I have not forgotten you. You will never be forgotten. You are already forgiven. Get well soon. xxooxo angie

Toxic Coccyx

At my Bowen appointment yesterday, she worked on my kidneys. And my coccyx. Uh-huh. Down there. Apparently the coccyx is flexible and can get pushed under or over or something and can cause much pelvic pain. So she went down there and did a little Bowen move. I can't wait for my next appointment! I can't even wait.
(My apologies to all who were hoping for all body talk to be restricted to my body blog. So very sorry).

Closing Sucks

That's right, it sucks. The mortgage company got our would-be-house appraised and APPARENTLY the house is worth about $140 000 less than what we were prepared to pay for it. Whaaaa??? Funny thing is, the seller got the house appraised about 100 days ago, and the house is APPARENTLY worth $30 000 more than what we were going to pay. A $170 000 discrepancy between appraisals is kind of a big deal. We have an extension on the closing date so we can get the place appraised again (if we decide to). Fun fun. I know that I am a grown up and that I can handle responsibility, but I really don't know what I'm doing. Ever.

Sad Girl

I am sad. I have been all week. I am a sad girl listening to the Eels. Okay, so I may have some melancholy tendencies. And I may embrace my emotions more than necessary. I get it. Now that we've gotten that out of the way - I am sad. I originally blamed it on a broken heart due to yet another round of sibling drama. Blah. That set off my sadness, but the sad has decided it likes my body and loves kicking my ass. I went for a walk instead of going to the zoo this morning. During the walk, I came to the conclusion that the sad is likely due to my maybe house. I don't think it's due to the stress of getting everything done on time or getting the mortgage approved or even scrimping together enough money for everything. I think it's because it's a dream that I've had for years. It's a dream that the Creator talked to me about. It's a dream for intentional community and simple living. It's a dream of a continuous dance party. I really believe this is something the Creator wants for my life. Maybe not this house in particular, but living in community again. So of course I'm going to feel like garbage when it's all coming together. All that is not Love wants me to feel bad and put rotten thoughts in my head and make me worried about friendships. Well, I'm still melancholy, and I still let my emotions dictate pretty much everything, but I am going to be a little more critical of my sad. Yes, my heart hurts. Big heffing deal. There is much good. There is dance.

Money Money Money

Highlights of my day have included NOT getting mugged at the "sketchiest" Mac's store in all of the city. I had some banking drama this week. I have a free account where I can't see any one in person. It's been great so far because it's...free. Last week I tried to transfer a bunch of money so that I could write a fat cheque for our deposit. Our closing date is this Monday! My transfer didn't go through. I called my bank to make sure that it would go through and she assured me that it would. My cheque bounced on Wednesday. Because my bank is all on-line and over the phone I couldn't really get a bank draft. I tried to get a money order from the post office, but they denied me because it was for too much(?). My solution was to call and get my withdrawal limit increased for a couple of hours. Because I only had a couple of hours to get that money out, I decided to do the efficient thing and take my money out of the bank machine at the Mac's. So... I withdrew $5000 in 20 dollar bills and deposited it in the bank. Thank you God for protecting me. It is a miracle that I didn't get rolled.

P-zing!

What a week. I woke up Wednesday thinking, "Wow. I can't believe it's Friday already". Yup. Awesome. Work was insane. I had too many meetings to think or do my job. Plus, we're trying to buy a house. Plus, I'm bored so I am once again flirting with going back to school. I can't go back to school. I can hardly cover the payments from my last student loans. Egad. Formal education is such an expensive habit. The School of Hard Knocks - pretty economical. 

I felt hyped up all day Friday. I had a lot of catching up to do and a life sucking interaction and set up a business account. Fortunately, I had my second Bowen massage. I like it. It is somewhat relaxing and no disgusting oils and a gentle realignment. Sigh. Then I bought gf pizza (olive and pineapple) and watched Laverne and Shirley for the first time (my new favorite show) and then ate Pop Rocks (p-zing!) and Hot Tamales (!) and Turtles (!!). I feel sick today. Ha. I know that eating garbage makes me feel like garbage. Part of the problem is that I really like walking to the store to buy candy, and then eating the candy right outside the store because I just can't wait. I am a sucker for anything that tricks me into feeling 14. Walking with headphones and my hands in my pockets. Knee high socks and mary janes. Plastic earrings. The 14 is not worth the sick. When will I learn.

Tonight I am going to the Sing-a-long edition of Mamma Mia! Hopefully the sciatica won't be acting up (if you know what I mean...). 

p-zing, 

angie

! ! !

Hold onto your seats, friends. Do I have news for you! After years of hoping and praying one of my greatest dreams is getting awfully close to reality. We negotiated a deal(!) on the 4-plex (!) and now we're just scrambling for finances and all the closing stuff (!!!). Did you heffing hear me?(!) ! 

This is kind of a big deal. 

!

It won't be a for-sure thing until the end of the month, but if all goes as planned, I will be moving into my very own apartment in January. I can paint. I can dance. I can write with no pants on. I can make it a no-chemical, no gluten, no-meat zone. Did you heffing hear me? (!) 

I have never lived on my own and am very excited to. I am not the best roommate. I am chronically grouchy. I am always in the public space. I am always me. I think I will do well on my own for awhile. Yah!

Creeper

I tend to walk the fine line between cute and creepy. Last night was a prime example. I thought that it would be a good idea to write "fan letters" to two people that I am fans of. I mean, who wouldn't want a fan letter? I could use a fan letter. So, I bought two cute cards and wrote what I thought were cute and funny things about how I am a fan. I read them to a couple friends who didn't think that it was too bad of an idea. I thought it was my best idea ever until I reached into my purse to pull them out. As I passed them to the objects of my "fandom" I said: here is the nerdiest thing I've done all month. Yup. I don't know if I will EVER be able to make eye contact with either of them again...ever. I woke up a few times throughout the night - each time remembering that I am a dork. Regret, regret. If only I could pull off my stunts with more confidence and without regret. But, no. The regret lingers and lingers. Sigh...

For Better or Worse

We put an offer on a house! But not the house that I have a crush on.  One of my "business partners" asked if I was sad to say good bye to the house that I crushed on. I'm not sad. The house that we put an offer on is sensible. It has a perfect layout (2 one-bedrooms, 1 three-bedroom, and 1 two-bedroom). It has a yard. It has apple trees and peonies. It is in a safer neighborhood. That last one was made me most hesitant. I love the gritty. The house that we put an offer on is marriage material. It wasn't what I was expecting in some ways, but it really suits us. The house that I have a crush on just needs so much work. It is adorable and hilarious and so fun. It is in an exciting neighborhood. But it would need way too much put into it in order for it to work. I am really hoping we can negotiate a deal soon. I am also hoping that my sensibleness in regards to real estate will translate into other areas of my life...

You Smell Like Meat

I only work one evening a month. We play a movie in the drop in. Things are great. Tonight was my night. Tonight was also the night that someone broke a window in my car and then poured his or her drink all over the interior. Can you say vandalism? I am annoyed. It was meant to piss me off and it does. Was it because I wouldn't let you collect a drug debt in our building? Was it because I wouldn't dance with you? Or because I didn't smile enough? Was it just totally random? It could have been a hell of a lot worse. I am so thankful that if someone felt the need to damage something of mine that it was my car and not my leg. I think the thing that makes me the most annoyed is that this act of vandalism gives people that I love a bad name. Seriously, dude. Not cool.

Woke Up With Brain on My Head

I am attempting to go more natural with my "beauty" routine. I am slowly learning about the ingredients that go into most cosmetics. I am still reacting to eye make up and I decided it's time to make some more changes. I have also decided to stop colouring my hair. I know that the chemicals in hair colour are not good for me or the earth. Good bye nice hair. Hello my hair. I have only about 3 inches of natural hair colour. Last night I discovered that I have a patch of gray. I know that I have some stray grays, but I did not know that I have a patch. I am quite excited about it. I got my girls to go through my hair last night to see if I have more patches. I don't. I am trying to embrace aging while I am still young. I was hoping that my acne would be gone before I got wrinkles. Maybe it still will. (Fat chance). 

I am still thinking about age a lot. I feel like my inner age is 14. I love sneakers, knee socks, cute pop music, and skipping races. My actual age is twice as old as my inner age. I have a young face and a very old creaky body. I get annoyed when older people tell me how lucky I am to be young because when I get old, then my body will start to shut down. Gee whiz. (Hello middle finger, nice to see ya). I hope that when my hair shows that I'm not 23 that I'll be treated like a grown up. But then will my sneakers, knee socks, pop rock, and skipping be deemed inappropriate? Bah. Perhaps I will be mature when I stop obsessing about what other people think about me. There's a goal.

We looked at a building this week. I loved it. It is in a perfect neighborhood on a perfect street. The house is adorable and very strange. It would need a lot of work. Adding bathrooms, updating kitchens, taking out and adding some walls. It's a dream come true. I couldn't sleep that night. I have a crush on a house. I keep on picturing our life together. I really need to start going out more around people.  Wanna be my friend? 

Mush Up

1. Would you interrupt a conversation with the pope?
2. I had a dream last night that I was at a reunion of sorts. Family and people from school. My mom was there and we were sleeping outside by a fire. We moved indoors where George W. Bush came to the door polling about the upcoming election. He asked me who I was going to vote for and I kept on telling that I wasn’t able to vote in the election. “Je suis canadienne”. What? “Je…suis…canadienne. I cannot vote because I am not a US citizen”. “But if you were who would you vote for?” “I’m not entirely sure, but probably for the Democratic party”. And then he left.
3. Eep! Opp! Ork!
4. Long weekend.
5. We're finally looking at a property. It looks like a hilarious building. Hilarious.

Car Sick for the Dope Sick

I was out at camp with work for the first part of this week. It was fun and beautiful and for the first time in my adult life I thought that I could maybe live out of a city. Today I got woken up at seven and told that one of the campers was really sick. By 9, I was in the car accompanying the camp staff and the camper. The day that we went out to camp, I took a gravol because I didn't want to vomit on the bus. I felt groggy and gross all day, but I did not feel nauseous. Today I decided to not take a gravol and just wear the "sea sick bracelets". I felt sick almost immediately but I was doing okay. My plan was to take the camper to her doctor and then walk back to the centre and meet the camp staff to get a ride out of town. Instead, I got sicker and sicker. When we were about 5 blocks from our destination, I had to hop out of the car, run to the garbage can at the bus stop (puking in my hands on the way to the garbage can), with a captive audience of people getting onto the bus. Fortunately I had a hoodie to wipe my hands and my face on. Heidi works close by so I stopped by a begged for a gravol. Then I walked over to the clinic to be with the camper, and I informed the camp staff that I would NOT be getting back in her car and I would stay in the city. I waited with the camper until the middle of her treatment when she got off the bed, walked out of the clinic and laid on the grass. I asked if she was going back into the clinic and she said no. I asked if she was sure that she didn't want any help from the doctor. Nope, she just wanted to lay on the grass. So I went back to work. Yeah, did I mention that all my stuff was at camp because I was intending on going back later that morning? Did I mention that all my keys were in my bag at the camp? Did I mention that I just vomited and then took a gravol? Did I mention that I didn't have my roommate's work number in my cell phone, and that the one person with an extra set of keys to my place is camping in BC? Did I mention that I was dirty and wearing flip flops?

The rest of my day revolved around trying to figure out what to do. I tried to find my roommate at work, but I don't actually know where she works. I had a cell phone and 5 dollars in my pocket. I have been sick traveling before and it's not fun. I hold the belief that the Creator does not inflict illness, but I do think that today may have been carefully orchestrated. Lately it seems that I've lost a degree of compassion for people. Being ill and messy and carrying a plastic bag with a vomit encrusted sweater without a home (at least for the afternoon) was humbling and reminded me how tough life can be. It's time for me to let go of my sadness and embrace what the Creator is free to give. My heart will get broken again, and I will get disappointed, and I will feel exhausted, and the Creator will redeem me and heal me.

I think my sense of being "burnt out" revolves around my desire for my heart to not get broken anymore.  The truth is it hurts. My favorite guy started using needles. My childhood best friend loves me but doesn't like me. Buddy Holly is dead. Dinosaurs are extinct. My heart just breaks and breaks. I considered just turning my heart off. Of not caring anymore. What is it that makes me so...breakable? The great prophet Neil Young provides me with much comfort. "But only love can break your heart". I guess it could be worse. Thank you for the gift of life. Thank you for the gift of gravol. Thank you for heart breaking love. 

Slightly Less Awkward Together

My dear friend Heidi is looking for a new car, and is considering a Yaris sedan. I think it would be so cute to see my little hatchback with her little sedan just cuddling. I wonder what the offspring of 2 yaris would be? Yari? Yariss? I recently found myself telling an acquaintence that Heidi and I aren't dating. It just looks like it. Jess and I used to go to the Goodwill just off of Whyte at least a couple times a month (until it closed - boo!). I think one of the boys that worked there thought that we were in love. We were. Just not with each other (but sometimes with the same cardigan). 

I have been thinking of my awkwardness more lately. It has become somewhat debilitating. I really don't like making new friends. There are so many awesome people in this world that I don't know and if I just stick to the ones that I do know I am missing out on who knows what. I am taking this week off to screw my head back on. I am taking time to cook and organize and yoga and read and write. There are many things that I need to change in my life. I need to start eating my seeds again. I need to start the castor oil pack. I need to downward facing dog and triangle pose. I need to get lost somewhere. I need to write. I need to pray. I need to relearn how to embrace my "other abled-ness" social skills. I feel it most at church and around churched people. I don't know what my problem is. I am a churched people. Okay, so this is my plan. I am going to go to church tomorrow and I will walk in faith that the Creator will heal me of my awkwardness. And if I still feel remnants of my former awkward self that will be just fine. It will be just fine. 

I went to the zoo today and I did 2 cartwheels. I also walked by many for sale signs. We are almost ready to start looking for properties. Hoot!

Modern School Girl

The months of stressing about my stupid 10 year reunion are now behind me. I am not so good in most social situations, and found myself clinging to the much more popular Heidi. It was nice to see some people and I became relieved with the way my life has turned out. I wanted an education. I got an education. I wanted a career. I have a career. I wanted love and fun and happiness. I have everything that I dreamed of. I spent the day with Heidi and the smartest kid in school. As we caught up with people and told them what we were doing (social work, community health nurse, and engineer) people would often respond with: that fits. That's not a surprise. I now wish that I would have told people that I was an accountant. I wonder if responses would have been the same.
I am self aware. I am aware of what I'm thinking, feeling, how my bowels respond to ____. But I've never been very good at knowing what people think of me. I'm too introverted and shy to ever be popular. I dance too loud and messy to ever be pretty. I have too many opinions to ever be a pleasant party people. I have absolutely no idea what people think of me. So, it was a bit surprising to hear that some of my former classmates were cognizant enough of my existence to actually have expectations for my life.
The fair was fair. The tractor pull was dampened by the rain and the fact that my heart was broken by two boys I love who don't seem to reciprocate the feeling. I was able to catch up with a couple people I hadn't seen in years and I am even going to work towards becoming facebook friends with them. I also got to hang out with my niece. I don't see her often enough and she is getting bigger and more alert. I hope that she ends up looking like me. Then she cannot deny that I am related to her. Ha! I am going to teach her about so many things. About vegetarianism, and how to use a sewing machine, and second hand shopping, and global trading practices, and how the senate was originally created to equalize the provinces, and Jesus. We are going to have a blast. It's strange to think of how my kids (if I have kids) will likely have such different childhoods from their cousins. My children will likely grow up with little money. They will have to pick only one sport to play. They will eat their veggies. I hope that those kids will get along. And that is the end of this post.

Stick Shifts and Tractor Pulls

I totally need a vacation. I have taken to yelling at clients on a regular basis and I don't even feel bad about it. I think justified anger is almost never justifiable. It's usually a bad sign in my life. I was pissed yesterday because I busted my butt finding accommodation for my hardest to house client. I was successful - but the client didn't follow through with picking up the rent money. Not cool. This morning I managed to track the person down, drive the person to pick up the cheque, go to the bank to cash the cheque, take the money to the accommodation, pay the rent, and put the receipt on file. That is good. What else is good? Yesterday at Yahtzee, two people rolled two Yahtzees each. I know. I rolled zero Yahtzees. I felt a bit hurt by the dice. But my wounds will heal.

I am heading to Vermilion tonight. The fair started yesterday. Tomorrow I will be lunching with some people from high school. And then I will be going to the tractor pull. I cannot stop thinking about how I can't wait for those tractors. I will probably be entertained for about 1o minutes, but the anticipation will stay with me forever.

Hmm...what else? The mortgage people called me yesterday to ask some questions. Here's a quick update on the housing community thing. After looking at a number of options, my crew has decided to not become a co-op, and not be joint tenants, or any of the other options that I've written about. We decided to incorporate as a business. The business will be buying a building, we will help the mortgage by putting in share loans that the business will one day pay us back. We will be renting from the company. We talked to an accountant for feedback, and he thought that the idea was fabulous. Now, when I give the latest update to my folks, I can say: listen, the accountant said it was a fabulous idea. I am totally addicted to real estate websites. I think I will go into withdrawal when we finally buy a place.

Ninja School

I was exceptionally grouchy today. I ended up sleeping in until 8 and then took my sweet time showering and eating breakfast and then decided to drive when I was supposed to be starting work. As I was pulling up to the building, a guy called me a bitch. I guess he thought that I would have hit him had I taken an extra 20 seconds to turn the corner. Then, the dumpster was moved closer to my parking space. Grr... And there was a jacket on the ground that I was going to run over. I went to pick it up and realized that there was shit on the ground. I was cursing up a storm by this point. The first people that I saw once I was in the building is one of my most difficult clients. I yelled at her. The day continued on in much of the same way. But we decided to have a debrief over drinks. That balanced things out a bit.

On a different note...

I really like Woodpigeon and these pretty words force me to love them:

I went to Ninja School to learn how to murder you with just one little punch

Never Going to Sleep

I have a bad case of the post-dance adrenaline "what have I done?" pumping through my body. I sure hope that I can fall asleep soon so I can be bright and perky for my 8 am meeting tomorrow. 

Door is Officially Closed

I have decided that my distaste for dating and dudes is much stronger than a fear of always having to sleep in the kitchen. So that door, at least in the blogosphere, is now closed. 

And, you may be interested in the fact that I angrily yelled at a deaf woman this week. I was really really angry. 

Longest Weekend Ever

Highlights of the past weekend:
* Friday night right after work. Party #1. Funny, funny, funny. I left the party at 7:30. I witnessed (second hand) what multiple 3 oz martinis can do to a person by 7:30. Yikes.
* Friday later evening. Party #2. Went to a dance club. Dance beats that I could not dance to. Girls dancing on platforms. Girls with wings swinging. Eww.
* Saturday morning. Mom woke me up by calling but didn't leave a message. She and dad once again neglected to give me any warning that they were coming to town. I missed them. They ran into friends at the Art Walk. Mom told my friend that she really hopes I find a partner. Awkward.
* Saturday afternoon. Went to a meeting. The key member was driving back to the province. Meeting rescheduled.

* Saturday early evening. Went to a modern dance performance. I am now going to try to convince all my friends to join me in a collaborative dance troupe.

* Saturday mid-evening. Nachos. I eat them once in a while now and they don't kill me. I had a headache and a nurse gave me a Tylenol. I asked what the 3 meant on the back (I hate coedine) and she said "300 mg" and I said "okay" then put it in my mouth. Then spit it back out when she said "wait! 3?"
* Saturday late evening. Keg party at Andy's.
* Sunday morning. Church was good. I liked it.

* Sunday early evening. The door bell rang. I thought it was a friend. It was someone looking for food. Maybe some soup. After looking through my cupboards, I ended up giving him a banana and a red pepper. It may be time to go shopping.
* Sunday evening. Party #3. I washed my punch bowl. Put frozen juice concentrate in bowl. Small crack formed. I said "it's just a small crack, it's not leaking, it'll be okay". I proceeded to pour litre after litre into the bowl. The bowl broke in two, covering me in juice. I think the floor will be sticky for the next four months.
* Sunday evening continued. Friend came back from lake. Friend went to garage sale. Friend bought me pink converse high tops. Size 7.

Dropped My Keys

In my younger days, I thought the "oops, I dropped my keys" exaggerated butt-in-the-air was the funniest of all things. I just dropped my keys in the drop in and someone requested that I do it again. It wasn't funny. In fact, I mouthed the words F*** OFF! It's a little bit funny now.

Sh...

I touched a towel that had shit on it. I was taking some towels out of the washer and I broke my "wear gloves always" rule and grabbed them with my bare hands. As I was pulling them out I noticed a big piece of glass in the washer. Then I realized that the towel I was holding had shit on it. Shit. I am watching "Up in Smoke" for the first time. I am now a woman of the world.