OMG

Hey you effers, do I have a story for you! I have been quite stressed the last week and a bit because some I know was getting a really large chunk of money as repayment for being abused as a youngster. I was able to support him through the process of getting his ID (not his id - it was already there), paperwork, walking him to the Service Canada centre, etc. I was quite concerned because a large amount of money could sure kill a person with addictions issues. He came in on Thursday sober and with his partner. His cheque came in that day. Together we went to the bank, opened an account, put almost all the money away with a little left over for a couple of bikes. It was perfect. Thank you God. I think that may be my first good story ever. 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

It’s almost been a year since my last birthday party. Yes, it is that time of the year when I cry a lot and feel disappointed with both myself and the world. I had high hopes for this past year, but it turned out different that I had expected and hoped. This year was a year of waiting. It was the unseen progress stage of a number of projects. Things have happened, but I have yet to see the results. I am one impatient dude. My work, my volunteering, my housing. I've been waiting on these major areas and am still waiting. I am sure that I will see a lot of changes in the next year. I better. Or else...
On a happier note, friends are letting me have a party at their place. I haven't planned a party since I rented the hall for the airband party - more than a year and a half ago. I am so excited. I am making cake, and bringing my punch bowl. I made a music list. Maybe this time next year I will throw a party at my own place with a yard. And a baby. I mean a puppy. I mean a new pair of jeans.

Hollywood Ending

My best friday ever was today. It included driving all the cool kids to our work retreat at the lake; watching a crappy movie with Jess about regatone; dancing with Jess to regatone; enjoying some spirits with Jess; communion with Jess and Jesus; Jess sleeping on my couch as I type. I like having friends. I am tired and am impressed with my ability to spell and push most of the right keys. I probably shouldn't publish this, but I probably will...right after spell check.

FORE!!!

I went to the library this evening and the cute boy was there, and so were some books. I the went to the mall because it was open. I was wearing a nerdy sweater vest and I decided to look for shorts. I tried on a pair of plaid shorts, and with my vest and "make me puke they're so cute" socks with pompoms on I looked ready to hit the greens (or a more appropriate euphemism for going golfing). So I bought those shorts. My summer wardrobe is now complete. I can't wait to make some golf jokes. I can not wait. 

Flew the Coop

Okay, so my 2 posts in one day is an obvious sign of my high level of emotionality. I'm a deep feeler and I am home alone. Cut me some slack. 

We are not going to form as a cooperative. It just happened. One of our members sadly informed the group today that she doesn't feel right about joining the co-op. So we took 2o steps back and started from the beginning and decided that with the smaller group that it would not be unreasonable to buy a building with a shared mortgage as joint tenants (or tenants in common - I'm not sure which one yet). It can happen quicker, and we won't need the help of the consultant. We don't have to become a legal entity. It will be simple. We each need to get pre-approved for a mortgage and then we can look for a building while HS tries to sells her place. We buy a building and then we move in and live happily ever after until someone decides they want out.  Awesome? Yes. 

I sometimes have a hard time deciding what I want and what I think I should want. I really thought that I should want to do something noble and good and giving like start a continuing co-op where people for years ahead will be able to have good, affordable housing. That is a good thing to want. But what I really want is to make an investment to help supplement my small wage at my noble and good and giving job. I am not a saint. I am not perfect. And, I have an overwhelming student debt.... I am excited because the building will still be focused on community, simplicity, sharing, and dance parties. I will just be slightly better off financially in the end than I would if we did the coop thing. I feel good about pursing this want. It's not like my want to drink Starbucks coffee, or to buy cute clothes from the mall that was made by children in (fill in the blank of country). I don't think this want will hurt anybody, it will just help me be able to eat my seven dollar bread into the future.  Phew.  

Magic/Real

Islands really are forever. No joke. There is just something about pretty pop with dark, creepy lyrics that really touch my heart. Sigh. And I got my first crush on a rapper. His name is Despot and he is funny and uses his fists well. What more could a girl ask for? It was an admittedly short-lived crush. It ended when he came went back on stage without a shirt on. I prefer boys that are fully clothed. It was a good show with big egos. 

(ps. I have not yet gone to boston pizza or moxie's. I did sit in a quizno's, but I had sushi in my purse for later, so I didn't have to think of a month long stomach ache just to fit in...).

Working for the Joy of Giving

True story. Yesterday I managed to leave work early and I decided that I wanted to eat pizza. I can't really do the Kinnikinick pizza crusts that Prego uses because it has a lot of corn and tapioca in it. So I decided to make my own. I was going to let the yeast do it's thing while I got some cider. What better to accompany not-quite-pizza than not-quite-beer?! As I was putting the yeast back in the fridge I realized that it was (drumroll.....) AMARANTH! Oops. I would have been waiting for a hell of a long time for that to rise. I drank. I ate. I was merry. 

I am starting to feel settled in life once more. It's a good feeling. I go through the motions of work without much emotion. Neutrality can be very very comforting. I really like changes, and we're having some physical changes with our buildings at work. I think that may have something to do with my contentment. Plus, our housing co-op group (On Earth) has met with the consultant once and we're making some head way. We are meeting again tomorrow to work on vision statement and goals. It's exciting. 

On a side note: I am going to see Islands tonight. Jealous? And my friend for almost 10 years, Jeff A is coming down tonight. Most of the friends that I've had for 10 years I get to see at least weekly. But not Jeff A. I almost never see him. We don't have anything in common and I think it's funny and nice that we still are friends. He is someone who is very good at keeping up friendships. I bought a loaf of bread and a frozen pizza with meat on it for him. I tried to think of things that I really wouldn't like and then thought that there was a good chance that he would like them. That's kind of the way things are with us. We don't like the same music, movies, food, or activities. One time I took him to the SugarBowl for supper. Nothing too out of the ordinary there. Comfortable atmosphere, meat and veggie options. I thought that it would be a good option that would please us both. I was wrong. I am not going to Boston Pizza or Moxie's. I will not. I wonder if he reads my blog. (hi Jeff. xxxoooxoxo)

On another side note. Crosby Stills Nash and Young break my heart. Everytime. 

Why You Shouldn't Do Drugs

The following conversation is an example of why you shouldn’t do drugs.
ME: Listen dude. When you’re sober we have good conversations and we get along well. When you’re drinking you kind of creep me out, and annoy me by following me around. Do you understand what I’m saying?
HE: (nods head)
ME: Okay, what did I just say?
HE: I’m a very beautiful woman.
ME: What? No! I said we get along when you’re sober, but I don’t want to talk to you when you’ve been drinking. What did I just say?
HE: I am beautiful.
ME: No! You are not listening to me. I am not going to talk to you when you’re drinking.
HE: Why do you always get mad at me?
ME: (anger rising)
HE: When I am going to feel you up?
ME: (quickly leaving room so that I didn’t kick him in the crotch).

Listen kids, drugs cause brain damage. Don’t become a HE.

Look at that Hare!

Last night I had a dream about some guys from high school. Guys that I was not friends with in high school. I was somewhere and I noticed on the tv these guys were in a music video. I remember referring to them as a boy band even though they didn't dance and they played their own instruments. They were this band that was some how discovered 10 years later. They weren't making music now, it was from high school. I thought they were so cool. I ended going to some release party and I hung out with them. And then my long lost college friend Jeff showed up (probably because he called me last night). It was a funny one.
I think some of the boys were Jason T, Jeff J, maybe Craig B... really random guys. I did paint yesterday. Maybe the dream was an after effect of the fumes.....???

Stop Look and Listen

The other day, I went for a quick walk to the corner store to pick up a paper to check out garage sale listings. I was smart and did not go to any because, let's face it, I already have all the crap a girl could want. As I was approaching the store I noticed a small group of people. I usually try to avoid eye contact, because I know a lot of people in the hood, but I don't want them to know where I live. As I made my way closer, one of the guys yelled out: look at that girl! It was funny. It was the best heckle I have ever heard. I didn't feel dirty. I mostly just giggled. But it did get me thinking...maybe I should stop wearing my tube top in public. 

The Art of Being Ugly

I have been looking for old photos of myself for a slide show for our 10 year high school reunion. Fun, fun, fun. Apparently I was a pretty baby, I then became cute up to about age 9. That's the year I got glasses and by that time my hair (specifically my bangs) began to be routinely tortured by perms. No longer cute. The ugliness continued until about the age of 21. I think depression and my general sense of not wanting to be largely contributed to the ugly. Now, I don't want to sound like I'm challenging God or anything, BUT seriously...adolescence was a mistake, right? What an awful awful time. By grade 11, I had a firmly established friend group that were really really great. I didn't look good, but I felt pretty good.

I have been pouring through old photos and looking at my brothers when they were little. It makes me sad to think of things that they are now dealing with. I am also quite sad because they used to really like me. I feel loved by my family, but sometimes it would be nice to feel liked and understood. Ugly remnants have stayed and hardened me. I am not easy to know. I spew out facts, often without discretion, but manage to remain cold and reserved. I know it's not all my fault that things are the way they are, but I sometimes just really wish things didn't suck so much. 

My Ears Popped

Although this is no longer a body blog, my effing ears just popped. I have tried the cover the nose and blow strategy since high school, and it just doesn’t work. But due to my chronic dizziness/unbalance, I decided that it was time to take charge. The Eustachian tube clearing exercise only does so much (tug up and out on ear, and with opposite hand massage down side of neck to shoulder blade). I read a description of an exercise: take a breath in, and pinch nose as you blow out. It is the same stupid exercise as cover your nose and blow out, but it now works. I do it differently some how. I am excited. I may still have problems, but I now have another exercise. Yip!
I had an extended long weekend. I worked half days both Thursday and Friday, Monday was a stat, and I took Tuesday off. It was good. My housemate is on vacation, so I spent the weekend not fully closing the bathroom door and flushing the toilet only when necessary. My water consumption is almost manageable. I went for walks, and watched tv, and organized some papers, and saw some friends, and planted some flowers, and pretty much just chilled and it was awesome. And I’m not so dizzy now that I have learned how to pop my ears. Yip! Yip!

Do It

Today I started a blog about my body. Try to find it. I dare you.

So Sensitive

Just got back from the naturopath, and I am sensitive to tapioca. So that's why I vomited after bubble tea. I'm glad to have this knowledge, but I don't think there is any prepared bread that I can eat now (I even checked an organic bakery nearby, and the gf bread was a no-go). I'm going to have to find a new gf flour recipe, now that corn AND tapioca are off limits. I wasn't so sad this time. I think I'm going to stick it out until I'm done the desensitization treatments. 

Someone's Crying, My Lord, Kumbaya

I have been seeing my naturopath every week for the past few months for this allergy desensitization stuff. The last 2 times I have felt very very sad during the session. I am having a hard time discerning where this sadness is coming from. Part of it stems from the fact that I have been doing so much self care and cutting out foods and introducing other foods, and I'm still not feeling great. But I think it could be more than just disappointment. I want to honor what my spirit is telling me. Maybe it's time to to stop seeing my doctor for awhile. I just don't know. 

I saw some friends right after my appointment, and we had a good week/bad week night. We tell each other good things and bad things, things learned and re-learned, things the Creator has taught and how we've tried to ignore the Creator. I was feeling really low and I mostly just cried. My friends prayed for me and encouraged me and it was nice. Today, I got an email saying that some of my friends skipped lunch today and fasted and prayed for me. My initial reaction was anger because it's so annoying when people pay attention to me. And then I thought of how I would feel if someone else was given this treatment. I would be thrilled and exclaim things like: now that's what community should look like! So I decided to not be angry. So, friends, even though only two of you read this blog, I want to say: thank you. (Oh Lord, Jambalaya).

Fame

Baugh! I am so grumpy. I accidentally got interviewed about a project and my name was in the media and I'm kind of in trouble at work. Baugh! I never wanted to be famous. Not true. I do want to be famous. I want to be internet famous. Ideally I will one day do something awesome. My awesomeness will be known by some people that I don't know. It will be the kind of infamy where you get back from the grocery store and you tell your friend, "I saw this local celebrity buying carrots. It was awesome". That's the kind of fame that I want. I want fame to follow my rules. I don't want to be famous for drinking too many martinis and then joining a riot and then getting assaulted by the police. I want to be famous for wearing shoes that are just too cute. Or for really liking dinosaurs. Or for having a really good idea. I don't want to be famous for accidentally giving an interview. Baugh! Fame why can't you just learn to follow the rules?!

Give Me an "A"

I am on a library high. I walked there tonight and it felt like my best library visit yet. The older men played chess upstairs. I watched a group getting a tour of the ESL materials. It was just so pleasant. Plus, both of my library-related crushes were there. It was perfect. 

Speaking of perfect, I met my niece this weekend. Her name is Lainey and I really like her. The last babies that I was closely related to were Jo-Jo and Mr. T. I was only 7 when they were born, and wasn't around them much for the first couple of months because they were so little and sick. I am generally nervous around infants - my hands are so strong, and I don't want to crush the poor baby. But I did it. I held her and didn't break her and we bonded and it was awesome.  Awesome.

Hummus and By-Laws: They All Fall Down

I received my new food processor bowl and blade today. I am excited to not have to think of the broken appliance sitting in my cupboard. I will now think of the functional appliance sitting in my cupboard waiting to make hummus, and chop onions when I am just too lazy.
Today my soon-to-be co-op booked some consulting time for next week. I don’t have the time or energy to figure out how to best set up shares and write our by-laws, etc. Now we have someone to help us. That is nice.
I am counting down the hours until tonight. I have a meeting about a separate project, and I am praying that the Creator will keep the decision makers on the same page. I get frustrated when people assume that I’m a kid from the way I look, but I don’t always feel fit for some of these adult responsibilities. How did I get this life?
Now it's time to talk about a case of the "crazies". I tend to have crazy experiences right before I fall asleep. I “see” things. Last night, I “saw” one of the walls in my bedroom fall down. It was pretty scary. I think I yelled. It took me a minute to process that I can't very well in the dark, and that my wall was still intact. I think it had a lot to do with the episode of “Arrested Development” that was on CBC yesterday. It was the one when they built the model home; during the ribbon cutting the house fell apart. Lucille and Uncle Oscar and the Blue Tobias. Man that show is funny.

You've Got Something on the End of Your Nose

I have been realizing more and more that I have a lot of rules guiding my life. We all do, I know. It's just that I am becoming more cognizant of just how snotty many of my rules are. These rules include coffee, alcohol, food, clothing, music, tv, movies, shoes, pants, pants, pants, just to name a few. I remember meeting a really nice boy once and deciding within minutes that I could never date him because I didn't like his pants. I know. I'm sick. 

The second last time I was in Vermilion, I filled up my car at the station on my way out of town. I decided to get a coffee. I don't do gas station coffee. It's not just because of the ethical issues surrounding coffee, it's because I don't do gas station coffee. I didn't even bring my mug, and had to use a paper cup. I tried to play it cool like I did that sort of thing everyday. You know, drive my car and buy coffee in a paper cup from a place that also sells air fresheners and pepperoni sticks. I thought I did a really good job of blending in. I tried telling this story to my folks the last time I visited. It was during the re-telling of the story that I realized that I have a little bit of the crazies. I think my taste is better than most others because I don't roll up the rim, and I think TH coffee sucks. 

I have lectured friends on buying cheap alcohol. Music is an obvious one that many of us have succumbed to (does a "your favorite music sucks" t-shirt ring any bells??). I feel far too justified in my snobbery. Church music is another obvious one. Sometimes it's really good, sometimes I go to the bathroom three times. I have an attitude problem. The biggest part of my problem is that I like my attitude problem. It's become part of my identity and I find it comforting. 

My predisposition to dislike things has been recently challenged. Now, this may come as a shock, but I started watching the television show "The O.C.". I tried to keep it under wraps for awhile because, without watching it, I believed that I disliked it. I thought the world was stupid for liking it. I believed myself to be a much smarter and discerning television watcher than the average O.C. viewer. Holy shit. What else have I missed out on??? I'm not intending on changing most of my snotty positions. Tim Hortons will always suck, and no one deserves to be drinking a ten dollar bottle of vodka. No one. But I might be missing out on things. Maybe I should just give myself the chance to like things. Maybe I would be better off judging a person based on their understanding of world events than on their pants.  

(I'm listening to Danielson right now. How would you rate me?) Please still be my friends. I promise I won't judge your pants. Your alcohol, maybe. And your pants, but I'll keep that one in my head.

Garbage Season No More

I am borrowing a table from a Chinese family. My former kitchen table was terribly rickety. I could have worked on it to make it wobble less, but I didn't. Instead I decided to spend time on this new table. It was a pretty beat up pine Ikea-esque little number. A bit of stain...and voila! This was my first time using stain. I'm excited about all the possibilities that have now opened up. I predict over the next 10 years that I will spend approximately 7 months staining things. 

This new table was what I needed to reorganize my kitchen. It uses the space differently, and I got excited. I even organized my flours and finally gave away my popcorn and cornstarch. It was time to say goodbye for good. 

I finally looked at my food processor. I tried to ignore it for about 2 years. Somehow the main blade got stuck in the bowl and it's impossible to get them apart. I tend to freak out about stuff like that. I would rather be spending my money on seven dollar loafs of bread and sneakers than replacing something 

that I already have. I did a little search on the information superhighway, and I found replacement parts. I felt a sense of freedom with finally dealing with the stupid piece of plastic. I will no longer have a food processor sadly taking up room in my cupboard. I will have a happy, useful food processor taking up room in my cupboard. I am going to process so much food, just you wait. I just feel great. My place feels great. Even my fake pets feel great.  

Could Not Be MORE Pleased

I do not know how I managed to survive eight months as a full-time drop in worker. Holy heff. A couple of the full-time drop in staff were sick this week, and I found myself migrating downstairs to take some of the heat. Working in the drop in was hands-down the hardest job I have ever had. It wasn’t even super busy, but people were rowdy. Very very rowdy. I am upstairs today. That is nice.
I finished watching that show this week. It was good to get it done. I have my life back again. It was a very intense month of tv. I think I’m through with television for awhile, or at least until next Thursday when The Office starts again.
Last night I met with a few of my future co-op friends. It was great. Jessica is opening up a bank account for us today. I have really been appreciative of all recent tangible advancements in my projects. I feel like everything in my life is taking too long, and I’m feeling impatient and discouraged. But, we are opening a bank account today to pool together funds to pay for our incorporation fees, and for the consulting group. I have been dreaming of a housing co-op for years, and it’s finally happening. But it’s not how I imagined. It is happening without some of the people that I thought would be involved. I'm a bit saddened that the rules of marriage are keeping some of my loved ones from being my neighbour. I try to pretend that I understand. I don’t. It makes me sad, and I feel a bit rejected; but I have a handful of wonderful friends that are pleased to be my neighbours (and these kids know how to party). Now co-op friends, if you are reading this, do not be alarmed. I am very very happy that you are joining me in this venture. I could not be more pleased with you (unless, of course, one of you was a beautiful boy who likes talking about the ecosystem of (fill in the blank), and who finds me more awesome than weird. But, that is not the case). Friends, I could not be more pleased with you. I am excited that we're working together.
I am blogging instead of working. Today is the last day of a crazy crappy week, and I am writing this instead of case notes. Good for me. And because you all are so enthralled with my body-talk... I think that I may damaged my stomach with the chocolate/cheese/corn adventure over Easter. I was getting better and I feel like I'm at square one again. It makes me cry a little when I think of it. That was stupid. And tasty. And stupid. And tasty. But mostly stupid.

California Here We Come

 My short absence from blogging can be attributed to a number of factors.
1. I’ve been feeling busy. Now, I must clarify that feeling busy and actually being busy are not necessarily one and the same. It would not be unreasonable to say that I have not been that busy. I’ve felt a bit stressed out about a project, but that pressure has since been relieved. I tend to feel more busy when I’m stressed.
2. Easter. I was out of town from Thursday – Monday. Up from the grave he arose. There is no internet in Vermilion.
3. I’ve recently discovered a tv show. It’s about wealthy kids living in California. I was sure that I would never watch that show and that if I did, I would hate it. I think I saw about 10 minutes of it when it was on the air. I found myself borrowing the first season from the library. After each episode I would say something like, “this show is so good”. I am now addicted, and have purchased all 4 seasons. Not something I usually do, but it just felt right. If it feels good, do it.
4. Chocolate, cheese and popcorn. I don’t usually give in to cravings that have the potential to make me very very ill. But I thought, “hey, I’m feeling better, bring it on”. I brought it on, and have felt regret for over a week. I now know that popcorn is not my friend, and that I don’t know the meaning of moderation.
5. Hawksley Workman. He’s not actually a contributing factor, but I just wanted all you suckers to know that he was at the Winspear on Monday, and my socks were officially knocked off. What a guy! He played for almost 3 hours. I couldn’t help but compare it to that one time when I had a lapse of judgement, and found myself at the Justin Timberlake extravaganza. Hawksley had props (a mini drum kit and keyboard), and costumes (spacey antennas, and green jumpsuits), AND Timbaland WASN’T there, and the girl on stage was wearing clothes. What more could I have asked for???
The truth is, number three is the main reason that I haven’t been writing. All I do in my free time is watch that show. California….

You are Good

Someone recently reminded me that I have good friends. And it's true. Not only are my friends good at being friends, they are also good at being people. An example from today: Andy stopped by my work to let me know that the voicemail system he was working on is ready to go. He told me about how Google and the city of San Francisco is providing SF homeless free phone numbers and voicemail. In response to my enthusiasm, Andy and some of his friends have worked on setting up a voicemail system for the homeless of Edmonton. Right now we need to find the $ so the system can move out of his friend's basement. Yup. I have good friends. 

Things You Should Know About: an update

My new purse has done me well so far. I used to it to carry gluten free crepes, fruit, and drinks to Sarah's birthday party. She had a crepe party, and I was planning on doing the usual eat before, and drink a glass of water slowly to not draw too much attention on my high maintenance diet. Instead, I made some crepes at home. I imagined that they would be a disaster, but I was wrong. They were simple and turned out well. 1 cup brown rice flour, 3 eggs, 1/4 to 1/2 cup water, and 1-2 tablespoons oil. I will definitely be making them again. 

The fundraiser went well. Although we had a ton of help cleaning up after the event, I wasn't able to catch the end of the show.  Heidi is perfect. She is our #1 volunteer. High five! 

The documentary isn't until tonight. I hope that I can convince someone to record it for me. 

I still like cookies. 

Update concluded.

Things You Should Know About

1. The House of Bags is moving to WEM. The last day they are open in Chinatown is March 20. I went there today and bought a bag. I recommend you do the same. 

2. There is a good sounding documentary on Sunday night on the Passionate Eye. Warning: it's about street people, and we will all likely love it.  Warning: if you have cable, I will be asking to watch it with you.

3. Candeo is holding its second annual dessert night fundraiser this Saturday. We would prefer that you rsvp, but we will accept a few last minute stragglers. 

4. Not that I want to compete with Candeo's fundraising efforts, there is a show that I hope to catch the end of. Mark Templeton is playing his last show in Edmonton for awhile. We should all go after the fundraiser.

5. I like cookies. I really do. 

6. Happy birthday, Sarah D. Happy birthday.