I've Said Too Much (I Haven't Said Enough)

(Please note that this post is loose in its use of the word "faith". At times "faith" is used to describe the Christian faith, or faith as a spiritual gifting, at other times the term is used for faith in Jesus, or faith in "God". If my loosey-goosey writing troubles you, then I recommend that you find something better to read).

I just finished reading "Blankets" by Craig Thompson. If you have not read it, you should probably think of doing so. It is beautiful. And it also caused me to once again question: how do people fall out of faith? 

I am very thankful that I have been gifted with faith. Faith has never been something that I have had wrestle with. It is because of my naturally acquired faith that I just cannot understand how one is able to fall out of faith. I fully understand having a distaste for Christianity. It has a pretty terrible history and its current situation isn't any better. I understand disliking fundamentalism. The heaven/hell conversation is tiring at best. Fear of the human body and sexuality? Come on. And if it is only the people that hold the exact same understanding of Jesus as Savior that I have, then there will be, at most, two dozen people in Paradise. Baugh. I can easily see why one could lose faith in the way Christianity is playing out and its players. What I don't understand is why those things have such a hold over FAITH. How those things can cause a loss of faith in Jesus. Seriously, losing faith in Jesus means once having faith in Jesus. I mean, come on, the dude turned water into WINE. WATER into WINE! The guy knew how to party. And how to treat people with dignity and respect and love. Jesus would have paid attention to ME. Not despite my gender but because I am a valuable part of Creation. Jesus. Sigh. Best boyfriend ever.

Okay, fine, I am probably just a simpleton. And I should probably just be thankful that I find faith to be so easy. The thing is, I do not understand why it is so hard for some people. I wish I could make it easier so people could just be with Jesus. For the kingdom of God is within us. I really wish I could make it easier...

My Self Esteem Means More To Me Than You Do

Ah...young love. I don't have it, but a friend does. I do not like boy drama, but he made it sound good. I'm thinking of creeping random boys on this information super highway. Then I will fall in love with one of those poor suckers and be part of the "in love" club. I will be so cool then. Too cool for school? I hope not. I am starting my masters in September(!). My coworker also got in (!).  She went to an info session on the program, and there was a boy there that may or may not be gay that she thinks we should befriend (or I should marry). We'll see. We will see.

Fu**ed Up

Some not good things. A guy took a friend's methadone to cure his hangover. He is now dead. One of the most interesting, most likable people I have ever met keeps on cutting himself. He's been to the hospital twice in a week. Third hand news: some people paid a street person $x to drink a bottle. They approached him outside a grocery store in Chinatown. When he handled it well, they gave him another bottle. He woke up in the hospital. Apparently he was hooked up to machines for about 18 hours. Help. us. please.

Robert Downey Jr. Syndrome

(Note: this post is from last week - I was at a conference at Calgary's U)

I just called my brother. He is filling up his friend's dorm room with balloons, and he just finished filling the sink with jello. I asked if he was on his own. He said no. I said it would be funnier if he was on his own. He said no it would not. And that, dear readers is how I am different from my brother.
I am listening a band that I have a musical crush on. I saw one of the guys in the crowd at a show in the fall. It was just after I left a gala. I was still wearing a gown. I was hoping he didn't notice how nerdy I was wearing a gown in the midst of hipsters. He didn't notice. Sigh.
I think someone just sprayed me with water and it made me sad with myself for not putting much effort into some of my oldest and most treasured friendships. I am a lazy friend sometimes.
I am seriously having a perfect university moment right now. I am sitting in the sun. I am warm. I have good music. I am learning. I am around men who mostly aren't homeless. I miss school. I miss not working.
And now time for a complaint. So there is food at this conference, and there are people that serve the food. I was looking for tea after lunch and the area was quiet and empty. During my search I heard a whistle. I ignored it. Then I heard another whistle. One of the servers walked by me and whistled. I eventually looked up and saw that he was watching me for a reaction. This is annoying on the street and totally inappropriate at one's place of employment. I then heard this phrase escape from my lips: are you fuc*ing kidding me? I was so mad. I really need to stop wearing tube tops. I am so trashy. My top two giftings: the gift of cheerleadership and the gift annoyance.

I'm Gifted in Cheerleadership

I want to be a farmer. I am super excited about having a yard. We have peonies, and potentillas (I think), rose bushes, and two apple trees. And grass. Lots of grass. We started talking about what we want planted. I would like to have a big vegetable garden and lots of flowers and whatever will make butterflies and birds and animals want to hang out in our yard. I have to keep reminding myself that it takes years for gardens to develop. Eek!
I also have a dream for a community garden near my work. The centre is next door to a big fenced off piece of land. That land has quite a history and I would really like to be part of redeeming it to something good and beautiful. I have not yet had a chance to run the idea by the big boss, until then I can still have hope. I am fully expecting to pitch this idea and then being told that the land is too political and I don't have a hope in hell. Until then...
We are also talking about commissioning a friend of a friend to paint a mural on our garage. I envision it being "The Sower"esque. (Van Gogh's - when the sower is up close and there is a big sun). We will see. I think that fixing our roof will take precedence over spray paint. Function before beauty.
One more house thing. It looks like I am going to be the only person in my place without a pet. The heaven level has a cat. Above ground have birds and geckos and is applying for a dog. The other bottom dweller just got a cat. I am nervous that I will be allergic to the dog. If I am, then I won't be able to visit any of the other suites for more than a couple hours at a time. Whine whine wine.

I've Got a Fever

I have spring fever. Or is it cabin fever? I have a type of fever caused by an intense enjoyment of the weather leading to an inability to do things like concentrate and stuff. That is what I have.

Today after Yahtzee I went through the stats and pulled out everyone's high scores. It was probably the most productive hour of my day. After work, I was so excited to pick up a package at the post office. My colon cleansing kit finally came in! When I went to pick it up, I needed photo ID with my current address. I was really annoyed because I haven't changed my address on my driver's license. I had to go home and find a bill. I mean, seriously, if I intended on finding someone with my name and then steal their package notification, would I not just go into their mailbox and also steal that for proof? Blah. Identification is a big deal. Apparently Canada Post now requires government issued photo identification with a current address. What if you don't have an address? What if you don't have the means to get government issued ID? 

I spend so much time at work with people who are forever losing/getting their ID stolen. Canada Post, I see where you are coming from, but you are making life very difficult for many people. 

Office Politics

I have been a grade "A" grouch-bot lately. I just do not understand what people are thinking. Now...think of three good things. The weather is nice. I am going to play Yahtzee tonight. I bought of pair of almost new jeans for $7. I also just got a scholarship for a conference in a few weeks. Yip! yip! for learning! My application for school is also in. I have no idea when I will know if I've been accepted. Although it would be 4 years of working and school on the weekends, I am hoping to get in. I just need some things to change in my life. I really like my line of work, but I want new opportunities and challenges. Maybe I just want the summer. I am tired AND boring. I went to a show last night. Bad idea. I like sleep. Oh yes, and my library-related celebrity crush was, well, crushed last night. My friend also has a crush on this boy, and they chatted it up, and he got the boy's name which just ruins the whole celebrity thing. Baugh.

Five Aces Make A.....

I won today's lunch Yahtzee. My score was 308. Not too bad. I have been having a pretty bad run with the Yahtzee. Perhaps the times, they are a changin'(?).
I started getting nauseous again this week. It stinks. My ear feels effed up.
We have our house warming party this Saturday. I am planning on dancing so hard. What else... Jess got her stove yesterday. As soon as the gas gets hooked up I can make myself a stirfry. And I have a Bollywood Dance workout video on hold at the library. And Bon Iver has a new ep out. Yahtzee!

Follow Me?

I made a few changes to this ol' blog. Mostly because I want followers. So...please become a follower. Please. I am so lonely. So very lonely.

Don't Stop Me Now

I am almost settled into my place (finally). I have a few boxes to unpack and need to make/find some more art and touch up a little more paint. But I am almost settled and it feels good. I painted everything. I chose a pretty wimpy colour scheme. My bathroom and kitchen are the whitest white, the living room is a light icy blue, and my bedroom is a pale lavender. Girly girly. It makes me pretty happy. I finally bought a stove that I can pick up the first weekend of Feb. I am really looking forward to that luxury. 

I am really happy in this moment. I am listening to Queen, drinking a delightful cocktail and waiting for my favorite married pregnant ladies. I told my mom that another one of my girls was knocked up. My mom responded if I was pining for a partner. I don't do pining. I really don't. I am happy at least for a moment. 

I Hate Green Beans

I really do. I hate them always. I think they are the grossest of vegetables. Okay, I know vegetarians (especially vegetarians with allergies) are supposed to like all vegetables. Take what you can get you picky priss (not to be confused with pissy prick). But I hate 'em. Except in Amy's lentil soup in the green can. I have no complaints with the green bean in Amy's green can lentil soup.
Now...time for a quick update on the last post. The guy who got his head kicked is doing okay. AND my family who got in trouble is still in trouble, but is looking to make some serious life changes. Both results seem like miracles. Actually, the green beans in the green can seem like a miracle as well. Three miracles in just over a week. Now that is pretty awesome.
And now one quick secret... I am applying for school (again). I feel ambivalent about getting in. I really don't have any preference of being accepted over being rejected. The program is only offered every other year, so I decided to give it a shot for this year. The classes are on the weekend, so I can still work full time. But it is a four year program and I don't do so well with commitments. We'll see... We will see...

This Sh** Is Bananas

I recently heard a friend lament about how he would like a vacation from life. Amen. A guy got his head bashed in today at work. I am trying to schedule a personal visit to the Remand centre to see a family member. I may have cable, but I may also have bed bugs. I need a break from life. More and more it seems apparent that my line of work chose me so that I can better deal with my personal life. Fun. So very much fun. I need a break. Amen? Amen.

Ring-A-Ling!

Hi there. It is Christmas. I moved into my new house at the beginning of the month. Our furnace broke down not once, but twice. We got fumigated for bed bugs twice. My stove doesn't work. Some pipes are frozen due to poor insulation. My vitamin D is low and I think I might have SAD. My toes got a little frost bite. I could go on and on. But instead I will just say that my dream to be left alone while in community has finally been realized. I am a home owner. I have my own kitchen (with no stove...). I have my own kitchen.

Back to Christmas. My mom got a Wii. She really likes fake bowling. I really like to watch her fake bowl. I got a letter from my aunt. The gist of the letter was that she is good friends with one of the dudes that I wrote a fan letter to. I think he showed her the card and she said "hey, that's my niece". Weird. I'm not so sure how I feel about one more person more fully realizing that my social skills are not always up to par. I wrote someone a fan letter. I warm hearts. I wish someone would warm my feet. I wish I were a little bit taller/wish I were a baller/wish I had a...

Hello, Cupcake!

About 3 hours ago I was thinking that I may never blog again. I usually write when I am terribly sad or terribly happy or excited or bored or when I think that maybe the world needs a little more of me. Lately I have been feeling...well, nothing. I am more tired than anything. We got the house and we get possession in eight days. I am excited. But not that excited. And not that happy. The winter is a fun fun time in my life. 

But I went for a walk to the library this evening. I checked the holds section even though I was pretty sure that I didn't have any materials waiting for me. Was I ever wrong. I have been waiting for about 2 months for a particularly delightful book with pretty pictures. Today was the day. Without warning, "Hello, Cupcake!" was sitting on the shelf waiting for me. For me! I jumped up and down. I can still hardly believe it. I feel like for at least a night a cloud has been lifted and I am free. Free to dream of sugary (gluten free) snacks. Free to dream about making people jealous with my soon to be acquired mad cupcake decorating skills. Free. Hello, Cupcake. Nice to meet you.

Happy Thoughts

I am planning an airband party for Halloween. I am really excited. I love love airbands. I love dancing. I love dressing up. I love it.

Friday, October 31
At Circles: 9954-111 Avenue
Doors at 10:00 pm
Cover $5

I need more airband in my life. You do too.

Scaredy Cat

Someone tried following me home not once, but twice this week. I am not afraid of many things. I am afraid of going into space. Space travel is unnatural and I feel like I am going to puke when I think of it. I am afraid of someone accidentally feeding me gluten - or sneakily feeding me meat. Gluten hurts me for weeks and meat makes me cry. I am not usually afraid of people. I felt quite afraid this week. I am not accustomed to the feeling and I don't like it. I like to walk. I like to walk to work. I like to walk at night. I like my independence and I refuse to let myself live the life that many tell me is my destiny. You know, be afraid. Find a man for protection. Learn how to make a roast. I am not going to use my gender or age as an excuse to not live the life that I deserve. I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to live life to the full. But I also don't want to be...stupid...careless. How do I know if I the choices I make are motivated by discernment or fear? I decided to drive to work for the next week. Fear or discernment? ?? ???

(This isn't overly related to the post, but it brought me comfort and peace.)
"O Lord, open my eyes that I may see the needs of others; open my ears that I may hear their cries; open my heart so that they need not be without succor; let me not be afraid to defend the weak because of the anger of the strong, nor afraid to defend the poor because of the anger of the rich ... And so open my eyes and my ears that I may this coming day be able to do some work of peace for thee. "- Alan Paton

I Cried

I was at a conference today with work. And I cried many times - once during a pop song. (A lame-ass move, I know). I do not encourage music to be played during lectures. This bias was strongly reinforced last year when I heard Brennan Manning speak at the Micah Challenge conference. He had a boom box and he played songs during his talks. Cheesy Christian songs. I found it terribly awkward. Terribly.

Today I was at the Schizophrenia Conference and it was great, but the day was hard to get through. A number of the speakers talked about addiction and mental illness. I am having a very emotive response to addictions right now due to some family stuff. It's nothing new, but we are in the midst of a flare up. It's in my face. It fills my thoughts. It fills my heart. (Only love can break my heart). I was feeling vulnerable and then the speaker played the song "How to Save a Life". I don't let myself like things that suck. I don't like the song. It sucks. But it made me cry. I didn't want to cry. I mean, seriously, I was on the clock and it's one of those songs that is supposed to make you cry. I don't want to turn into one of those people. You know, one of those people who rents a romantic movie every Friday night and cries when whatever happens in romantic movies that makes people cry. (I want to remain one of those people who stays at home on a Friday night with a Macbook and a glass of Sangria and cries and cries alone. Yah, that's much better...). It's uncomfortable crying while working. Don't get me wrong, if I could get paid every time I cried I could pay off my student loans a little quicker, and maybe get a new winter jacket... Anyway...I am not nearly as desperate as I probably sound, but I am still sad. 

I appreciate the grittiness of life. The risk of pain enriches life - love. I can't even image love without risk. Love would be cheap without it. But when the pain is active, I lighten up a little. Pain sucks. It just sucks. My mind is on a beautiful boy that I have watched grow for 20 years. Little brother, you are loved more than you can even imagine. The Creator has not forgotten you. I have not forgotten you. You will never be forgotten. You are already forgiven. Get well soon. xxooxo angie

Toxic Coccyx

At my Bowen appointment yesterday, she worked on my kidneys. And my coccyx. Uh-huh. Down there. Apparently the coccyx is flexible and can get pushed under or over or something and can cause much pelvic pain. So she went down there and did a little Bowen move. I can't wait for my next appointment! I can't even wait.
(My apologies to all who were hoping for all body talk to be restricted to my body blog. So very sorry).

Closing Sucks

That's right, it sucks. The mortgage company got our would-be-house appraised and APPARENTLY the house is worth about $140 000 less than what we were prepared to pay for it. Whaaaa??? Funny thing is, the seller got the house appraised about 100 days ago, and the house is APPARENTLY worth $30 000 more than what we were going to pay. A $170 000 discrepancy between appraisals is kind of a big deal. We have an extension on the closing date so we can get the place appraised again (if we decide to). Fun fun. I know that I am a grown up and that I can handle responsibility, but I really don't know what I'm doing. Ever.

Sad Girl

I am sad. I have been all week. I am a sad girl listening to the Eels. Okay, so I may have some melancholy tendencies. And I may embrace my emotions more than necessary. I get it. Now that we've gotten that out of the way - I am sad. I originally blamed it on a broken heart due to yet another round of sibling drama. Blah. That set off my sadness, but the sad has decided it likes my body and loves kicking my ass. I went for a walk instead of going to the zoo this morning. During the walk, I came to the conclusion that the sad is likely due to my maybe house. I don't think it's due to the stress of getting everything done on time or getting the mortgage approved or even scrimping together enough money for everything. I think it's because it's a dream that I've had for years. It's a dream that the Creator talked to me about. It's a dream for intentional community and simple living. It's a dream of a continuous dance party. I really believe this is something the Creator wants for my life. Maybe not this house in particular, but living in community again. So of course I'm going to feel like garbage when it's all coming together. All that is not Love wants me to feel bad and put rotten thoughts in my head and make me worried about friendships. Well, I'm still melancholy, and I still let my emotions dictate pretty much everything, but I am going to be a little more critical of my sad. Yes, my heart hurts. Big heffing deal. There is much good. There is dance.

Money Money Money

Highlights of my day have included NOT getting mugged at the "sketchiest" Mac's store in all of the city. I had some banking drama this week. I have a free account where I can't see any one in person. It's been great so far because it's...free. Last week I tried to transfer a bunch of money so that I could write a fat cheque for our deposit. Our closing date is this Monday! My transfer didn't go through. I called my bank to make sure that it would go through and she assured me that it would. My cheque bounced on Wednesday. Because my bank is all on-line and over the phone I couldn't really get a bank draft. I tried to get a money order from the post office, but they denied me because it was for too much(?). My solution was to call and get my withdrawal limit increased for a couple of hours. Because I only had a couple of hours to get that money out, I decided to do the efficient thing and take my money out of the bank machine at the Mac's. So... I withdrew $5000 in 20 dollar bills and deposited it in the bank. Thank you God for protecting me. It is a miracle that I didn't get rolled.

P-zing!

What a week. I woke up Wednesday thinking, "Wow. I can't believe it's Friday already". Yup. Awesome. Work was insane. I had too many meetings to think or do my job. Plus, we're trying to buy a house. Plus, I'm bored so I am once again flirting with going back to school. I can't go back to school. I can hardly cover the payments from my last student loans. Egad. Formal education is such an expensive habit. The School of Hard Knocks - pretty economical. 

I felt hyped up all day Friday. I had a lot of catching up to do and a life sucking interaction and set up a business account. Fortunately, I had my second Bowen massage. I like it. It is somewhat relaxing and no disgusting oils and a gentle realignment. Sigh. Then I bought gf pizza (olive and pineapple) and watched Laverne and Shirley for the first time (my new favorite show) and then ate Pop Rocks (p-zing!) and Hot Tamales (!) and Turtles (!!). I feel sick today. Ha. I know that eating garbage makes me feel like garbage. Part of the problem is that I really like walking to the store to buy candy, and then eating the candy right outside the store because I just can't wait. I am a sucker for anything that tricks me into feeling 14. Walking with headphones and my hands in my pockets. Knee high socks and mary janes. Plastic earrings. The 14 is not worth the sick. When will I learn.

Tonight I am going to the Sing-a-long edition of Mamma Mia! Hopefully the sciatica won't be acting up (if you know what I mean...). 

p-zing, 

angie

! ! !

Hold onto your seats, friends. Do I have news for you! After years of hoping and praying one of my greatest dreams is getting awfully close to reality. We negotiated a deal(!) on the 4-plex (!) and now we're just scrambling for finances and all the closing stuff (!!!). Did you heffing hear me?(!) ! 

This is kind of a big deal. 

!

It won't be a for-sure thing until the end of the month, but if all goes as planned, I will be moving into my very own apartment in January. I can paint. I can dance. I can write with no pants on. I can make it a no-chemical, no gluten, no-meat zone. Did you heffing hear me? (!) 

I have never lived on my own and am very excited to. I am not the best roommate. I am chronically grouchy. I am always in the public space. I am always me. I think I will do well on my own for awhile. Yah!

Creeper

I tend to walk the fine line between cute and creepy. Last night was a prime example. I thought that it would be a good idea to write "fan letters" to two people that I am fans of. I mean, who wouldn't want a fan letter? I could use a fan letter. So, I bought two cute cards and wrote what I thought were cute and funny things about how I am a fan. I read them to a couple friends who didn't think that it was too bad of an idea. I thought it was my best idea ever until I reached into my purse to pull them out. As I passed them to the objects of my "fandom" I said: here is the nerdiest thing I've done all month. Yup. I don't know if I will EVER be able to make eye contact with either of them again...ever. I woke up a few times throughout the night - each time remembering that I am a dork. Regret, regret. If only I could pull off my stunts with more confidence and without regret. But, no. The regret lingers and lingers. Sigh...

For Better or Worse

We put an offer on a house! But not the house that I have a crush on.  One of my "business partners" asked if I was sad to say good bye to the house that I crushed on. I'm not sad. The house that we put an offer on is sensible. It has a perfect layout (2 one-bedrooms, 1 three-bedroom, and 1 two-bedroom). It has a yard. It has apple trees and peonies. It is in a safer neighborhood. That last one was made me most hesitant. I love the gritty. The house that we put an offer on is marriage material. It wasn't what I was expecting in some ways, but it really suits us. The house that I have a crush on just needs so much work. It is adorable and hilarious and so fun. It is in an exciting neighborhood. But it would need way too much put into it in order for it to work. I am really hoping we can negotiate a deal soon. I am also hoping that my sensibleness in regards to real estate will translate into other areas of my life...