:(

Grandpa passed on Thursday afternoon in the company of his youngest daughter. I felt numb and was able to keep it together until I entered the hospital room with his still body. I lasted about seven seconds before I had to leave. I'm not going to have the pleasure of my grandpa's company on this earth again. I'll miss sharing birthday parties with him. I'll miss looking at his beautiful wavy silver hair. I'll miss his ginger carrots. I'll miss him a lot. I'm so thankful for the thirty years that I enjoyed with him. I'm so thankful and so sad. I also feel like a weight has been lifted. He was sick and uncomfortable and it was exhausting watching him suffer and wait.
This was my most intimate encounter with dying. When I saw him after all life had left I realized how I have been simplifying life into living and not living. His body died, but what changed from the last few days of struggling breaths to the moment that breath stopped? Did the last heart beat free his spirit? Did the last breath change anything for his spirit? I saw him passing for weeks. For months. Once again I'm surprised my simplistic thinking. I blame it on my early years as a fundamentalist. Creator, continue to care for my grandpa. Help him choose life and love. Continue to heal him from all of life's scars. Help him choose love. Help me choose love.