Happy Thoughts

I am planning an airband party for Halloween. I am really excited. I love love airbands. I love dancing. I love dressing up. I love it.

Friday, October 31
At Circles: 9954-111 Avenue
Doors at 10:00 pm
Cover $5

I need more airband in my life. You do too.

Scaredy Cat

Someone tried following me home not once, but twice this week. I am not afraid of many things. I am afraid of going into space. Space travel is unnatural and I feel like I am going to puke when I think of it. I am afraid of someone accidentally feeding me gluten - or sneakily feeding me meat. Gluten hurts me for weeks and meat makes me cry. I am not usually afraid of people. I felt quite afraid this week. I am not accustomed to the feeling and I don't like it. I like to walk. I like to walk to work. I like to walk at night. I like my independence and I refuse to let myself live the life that many tell me is my destiny. You know, be afraid. Find a man for protection. Learn how to make a roast. I am not going to use my gender or age as an excuse to not live the life that I deserve. I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to live life to the full. But I also don't want to be...stupid...careless. How do I know if I the choices I make are motivated by discernment or fear? I decided to drive to work for the next week. Fear or discernment? ?? ???

(This isn't overly related to the post, but it brought me comfort and peace.)
"O Lord, open my eyes that I may see the needs of others; open my ears that I may hear their cries; open my heart so that they need not be without succor; let me not be afraid to defend the weak because of the anger of the strong, nor afraid to defend the poor because of the anger of the rich ... And so open my eyes and my ears that I may this coming day be able to do some work of peace for thee. "- Alan Paton

I Cried

I was at a conference today with work. And I cried many times - once during a pop song. (A lame-ass move, I know). I do not encourage music to be played during lectures. This bias was strongly reinforced last year when I heard Brennan Manning speak at the Micah Challenge conference. He had a boom box and he played songs during his talks. Cheesy Christian songs. I found it terribly awkward. Terribly.

Today I was at the Schizophrenia Conference and it was great, but the day was hard to get through. A number of the speakers talked about addiction and mental illness. I am having a very emotive response to addictions right now due to some family stuff. It's nothing new, but we are in the midst of a flare up. It's in my face. It fills my thoughts. It fills my heart. (Only love can break my heart). I was feeling vulnerable and then the speaker played the song "How to Save a Life". I don't let myself like things that suck. I don't like the song. It sucks. But it made me cry. I didn't want to cry. I mean, seriously, I was on the clock and it's one of those songs that is supposed to make you cry. I don't want to turn into one of those people. You know, one of those people who rents a romantic movie every Friday night and cries when whatever happens in romantic movies that makes people cry. (I want to remain one of those people who stays at home on a Friday night with a Macbook and a glass of Sangria and cries and cries alone. Yah, that's much better...). It's uncomfortable crying while working. Don't get me wrong, if I could get paid every time I cried I could pay off my student loans a little quicker, and maybe get a new winter jacket... Anyway...I am not nearly as desperate as I probably sound, but I am still sad. 

I appreciate the grittiness of life. The risk of pain enriches life - love. I can't even image love without risk. Love would be cheap without it. But when the pain is active, I lighten up a little. Pain sucks. It just sucks. My mind is on a beautiful boy that I have watched grow for 20 years. Little brother, you are loved more than you can even imagine. The Creator has not forgotten you. I have not forgotten you. You will never be forgotten. You are already forgiven. Get well soon. xxooxo angie

Toxic Coccyx

At my Bowen appointment yesterday, she worked on my kidneys. And my coccyx. Uh-huh. Down there. Apparently the coccyx is flexible and can get pushed under or over or something and can cause much pelvic pain. So she went down there and did a little Bowen move. I can't wait for my next appointment! I can't even wait.
(My apologies to all who were hoping for all body talk to be restricted to my body blog. So very sorry).