Happy Half Birthday

Today was my half-birthday and boy did I ever celebrate. I made blueberry muffins and drank coffee and cleaned my kitchen and had a shower and saw Jess and ate potatoes and watched Arrested Development and Pride and Prejudice and drank daquiris. Phew. Wow. What a jam packed day. I kind of wish that I had jam. I like jam but almost never eat it. I will be 28 in 6 months. One of my favorite things to do is say things to Heidi like "Wow. You're on your way to 29 and I'm only 27". I can still do that now. If I could go back in time, I would have said it more. I only have six months left...

I have neglected to mention that I have a working computer once more. It's nice to know that I can turn it on and it will stay on. (Note: I giggled after the first "on" in the previous sentence. I think that I need to start leaving my house more). 

I have been alone a lot the last few days. Partly because I am afraid of public transit and my car (motion sickness has reared its UGLY head once more). Partly because I needed a prolonged break. I am looking forward to leaving my house tomorrow morning to see my people and I feel ready to go back to work. I have a bad habit of not wanting to waste my holiday time when I feel burned. I keep on trying to save up it all up for something good when I'm feeling well. But, hello! I will never feel well if I don't take some time for myself when I'm unwell. It's so simple.

I have spent much of the day reading about housing co-operatives. I just don't know what the right organization system is for the future community that will make all my dreams come true. My parents have satellite television and I watched a lot of home improvement shows. I really hate painting but I really wish I had to paint my home. Mmmm.... I am often glad that I as a child I didn't imagine my adult life. I didn't have any ideas of marriage or a wedding or career or children or hairstyle. I may have imagined my ideal jewelry box and I think I have that covered. It's a bit embarrassing but I have accessorized the same way for the past 20 years. If it's big, if it's plastic I will wear it. 

I'm trying to write less about my health, but as there is nothing else happening in my life (no recent punches to the face) I just find myself not writing. So, I'll write about my health. I have never been diagnosed with Celiacs and so have assumed that I just have a sensitivity to gluten. But, this assumption has recently been shaken. I am not too keen on eating ridiculous amounts of bread for a few months and then get my villi checked, but I have a better plan. I am going to wait it out until I do the desensitization reprogramming stuff and then get retested for gluten and then if I still react I will assume that I am the C-word (not that C-word, Dirty). 

Eye update: they still suck, but are better than before. I had a stye and I it seemed to have left, but now it's back. 

**Note on Pride and Prejudice they are at the ball and Mr. Darcy just asked Elizabeth to dance.  Yes.**

A Letter From the Editor

Dear Friends,
I met a girl hound today that gave me the inspiration to get down to business and post. So, here goes: I met a girl hound today that I had heard of through Sarah and Heidi. It was really funny. The thing about the girl hound is that you just have to be a girl to get noticed. I look really really bad today. But I have a ponytail and small feet and sometimes that is all the girl hound is looking for. It made me giggle. The reason I ran into the hound was that he works at the place where one of my favorite guys in the world is staying. So I got a hug from a clean-ish smelling favorite guy AND I now understand the references to this particular hound. (Just to clarify this girl hound is the very best version of this type of offender. He doesn’t do the head to toe scan. He just goes: hey. There’s a girl. I should talk to her for longer than is necessary. He’s not super creepy. Just potentially annoying, usually awkward, and always silly).
I am so relieved that this week is almost over. I have been trying to sleep more and as a result I am less tired and less grumpy and more alert. Very very nice. I met a doctor yesterday who I think I will now call “my doctor”. She was perfect. She is middle aged and has kinda crazy hair and a pink stethoscope. She was efficient with her time but still thorough. She actually asked about my family history. AND she treated my warts (they look very very disgusting today. When I saw Heidi, she drained my blisters for me). She let me finish my sentences. I really really like her. And I’ve been washing my eyes with baby shampoo and they have been clearing up very well and she told met that it sounds like “Blepharitis”. I didn’t say “I know” but I should have. So, it turns out that I don’t have eczema on my eyelids. They finally feel better. They’re not great yet but I’ve stopped crying about them. Yah!
I have been thinking about what I want to change about my life – resolutions for a new year. This is what I have decided. I want to go to less rock shows (specifically less rock shows at shitty venues). I want to watch more movies. I want to clean up my language a bit. (It has gone downhill quickly this past year). I want to see my friends more. I want to be more aware of where my money goes. I want to start working on a down payment for my part of the community housing. I want to eat more chocolate. I want to dance more. I want to dance constantly.
So that is it for now. My computer is dead which has really affected my blogging ability. Hopefully my computer situation will be resolved soon. Then I will post 3-4 times a day. Every day. I know. I can hardly wait.
Peace and Love,
ANGIE JEAN

There is only one kind of soy milk that I like and I just realized that it has corn syrup solids in it. Grrrr....

Body Talk (I Miss Nachos)

I haven't blogged for awhile because: a) my computer is on the fritz and spontaneously shuts itself down b) I haven't been feeling well for awhile (physically, mentally and spiritually) and I'm trying to become more of a happy blogger c) I just didn't.
I went to the Naturopath on Wednesday and found out some good news. I am sensitive to not only gluten, wheat, and dairy but also oats, corn, peanuts and cashews! Phew. I was very glad to hear these things. They suck but I hope that avoiding them will help heal my "leaky gut" (I apparently have a leaky gut). I can't express just how nice it was to have a medical professional not brush me off as some punk ass-hypochondriac kid. She listened to me and then tried to help me. I first started getting sick 10 years ago and I've gone to a few doctors the past 8 years and they weren't helpful. One told me I had the stomach flu. One tried to get me on anti-depressants. Eventually I convinced one that something wasn't right. After 2 very uncomfortable tests, we discovered that my intestines work just fine, thank you very much. I eventually did the reasonable thing and eliminated things out of my diet and that helped a ton. And then Jesus took away a constant pain that was in my stomach (thanks). But I still feel like garbage. And now I feel like maybe I won't feel like garbage for forever. I have someone to help me. Can you even believe it?
I am sad about saying good bye to popcorn and tortilla chips and peanut butter. But I'm glad that she didn't say I had problems with soy or watermelon. I almost never eat watermelon but the idea of saying goodbye to the tastiest food around might be too much emotionally. And if I couldn't eat tofu, I might just stop eating all together. This is boring for most of you. But because I am not bored by this I will continue to fill you in on my progress. Progresssssssssss.

Grumpy AND Boring (or reason #2846...)

Guess what?! I'm grumpy! Yesterday was a long day. I worked from 8am-8pm and then sat at a medicentre until 11pm. I finally had enough of my sore itchy eyes. I just had it. I'm tired of looking tired. I'm tired of working so hard during the day to not rub my eyes to catch myself frantically going at them as soon as I wake up. I've had it. I have been avoiding going to the doctor because: a) I don't like doctors and b) I thought that s/he would prescribe a steroid cream and I didn't want to go that route. So, I waited for 3 hours to have the "doctor" recommend a steroid cream. He warned me not to let it go into my eye. He told me he'd write up a script for a not-so-strong cream and not to not let it go in my eye. I reminded him that it was along my eyelashes. And he reminded me not to let it go in my eye. So I got up, put the script into my purse, got in my car and cried a little on my way home. Best boring day ever.
I am not going to work tomorrow and instead I am going to open up a new bank account, laminate posters, make some photocopies and buy some 100% recycled non-bleached toilet paper. And then I've got a hot date with Heidi and Colin and Final Fantasy. I may also go to the eye glass store to leave my frames so they can put in my new free lenses. Yes. You heard me correctly. New free lenses. I have been having a hard time seeing lately. I got my eyes checked a week ago and they haven't changed from my current prescription. A few days ago I noticed that the coating on my lenses is staring to wear off. I thought that they still might be covered by warranty. I went to the store on Saturday and the girl pulled up my info and told me that it was my last day covered by warranty! So, she's ordering me new lenses...for free! I really can't afford a new pair right now and so I'm feeling really happy. I feel like God was putting it on my mind. Thanks dude.
I have the tv on and Dave Matthews is a character on House. That reminds me...Joel apparently brought his lovely wife home on Sunday. I am anxiously awaiting their phone call. Esther brought me back a candy apple. I think my savage display with a caramel apple at the Vermilion fair left an impression on her. I'm pretty sure that it was even worse looking than I imagined. Much much worse.
Now this is the last time (FOR REAL this time) that I complain via my web log about my annoying eye issues. The next time I write about my eyes (if I ever and do - and we both know I will) it will be about how God has healed me and how they are no longer puffy or red or sore or itch. Hallelujah!

Not a Recipe Blog

Last night as I was making supper I thought: more people should know about my awesome peanut sauce recipe. And soon they will.
I got a flu shot today. I am not advocating that all should get influenza immunized, but I believe it is a good idea for my life. I work with a number of sick people and I don't seem to have the strongest immune system. I have had not one, but two separate incidents of blacking out due to the flu. The first time it happened, I was working at a coffee shop. I hadn't been there long, and I was opening on my own. I didn't have any staff numbers. I woke up about half an hour before I was supposed to leave. It was early and I felt tired. I stumbled along to the bathroom and it was there that I realized that I couldn't really see. Having a strong work ethic, I decided that I needed to get coffee ready for the caffeine-addicted folks. I remembered that one of my roommates was working early as well, and decided to seek her help. I managed to crawl up the stairs and found her room. "I can't see. I can't see". She helped me down the stairs and put on my shoes. She drove me to work where I could find the manager's phone number and let her know I was a little sick. I called and she asked me to open. I did. My coworker ended up being late. I managed to not vomit or fall over while I was there. AND I did a terrible job.
The second time felt like old hat. I woke up. I realized I was sick. I had a lunch date that I was obviously not going to make. I couldn't really stand so I got a roommate to hack into my email account and send a "can't make it" email. I went to get some ginger ale from the kitchen (I don't think it actually helps, but people keep on insisting it helps). On my way to my room I stopped being able to see or to stand. My ginger ale spilled on the floor. Sticky sticky floor. I don't know why I get so sick, but if I manage to avoid illness for the next two weeks while the immunization does whatever it is supposed to do, I may avoid falling down for a little while longer. Phew!

(still not a recipe blog, but here's a good recipe)

Peanut Sauce
makes one cup
1/2 cup peanut butter
2 tsp brown sugar
1/4 cup brown rice vinegar
2 tbsp cilantro, chives, scallions
2-3 cloves garlic
1-2 tbsp soy sauce*
1 tsp chilies
Whisk and add 1/4 - 1/2 cups warm water
Heat it up until it boils
*if you're inviting me over when you make this, use gluten-free soy sauce*
Enjoy!

Time to Vote!!!

Probably one of my favorite things in the world is community events. Tonight I am going to the Red Star to listen to the mayoral candidates. The election is on the 15th. Time to research the candidates. Time to stretch your voting fingers. I get to work the election this year. Now, when someone says: Political science degree? What the heff are you ever gonna do with that? I can now reply: I do election stuff. For the record, my degree will not help me with doing election stuff, but it almost legitimizes part of education. Thursday (Oct 11) I am missing The Office to go to a lecture called "Places Rebuilt or Places Reborn. Is There a Difference?". It's at the MacLab Citadel Theatre at 7:30. Man, I love the city. Love the city. AND next Saturday, Brian McLaren is going to be speaking in Calgary. Road trip!
I'm not sure if my eczema is just getting worse or if it's allergies, but my eyes look disgusting. My daily eye routine is this: wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and feel sad. Wash my face, look in the mirror and feel sad. Try to rub off any extra skin (eww, I know). Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. Try to cover up some of the red with eyeliner and foundation. Try not to scratch eye. Try not to scratch eye. Try.... Wash my face. Put on vitamin E oil - lots of vitamin E oil. Look in the mirror and feel sad. Wake up... (No. People haven't been asking. Not in words at least, but it was written on so many faces). This will hopefully be my last eye talk for awhile.
One more thing, I found a chiropractor last week. I've had problems in my lower back, and leg for awhile. Sometimes I can hardly walk because my right leg just stops working. I was at the Martin Sexton concert last Tuesday (so good) and I stood up at intermission and realized that I could hardly balance myself. I wanted to make sure that I was in good working order so I could bust a move or two Saturday night. So on Wednesday I looked in the phone book for someone close by and I found one and I went and she was awesome. It was such a blessing to find someone competent on my first try (I had been going to a guy in Vermilion, but it was inconvenient as I haven't lived there for 9 years). She did some deep tissue stuff and told me that I might bruise. So as soon as I got in my car, I pulled my pants down a little to see if my ass was bruised. In the middle of checking, someone knocks on my window. At first I thought it was someone from work. At second glance, I notice that he looked at little more...bourgeois than someone from work. I rolled down my window, then he starts talking about my bumper sticker (sow justice reap peace). He asks: so, is there a group that sows justice? What? You may have just caught me looking at my ass and I'm supposed to answer your questions?! What do you mean? Like is there a group or friends that are working to do justice? Uh.... I have friends. It went on for awhile, and I ended up giving him my card telling him that I could connect him with the volunteer coordinator. It was pretty awkward. But, I've gone for a second adjustment and I feel better than I have for awhile. And I walked, so I didn't have to talk to anyone about my sticker.
Now, off to the Red Star.

Doodie Doody Doo

Today I feel way less awful about this weekend. I was still more awkward and jerky than I would have liked to have been - but I did find out that I actually wasn't the only one who missed out on duties on the dance floor. And I found out that it's true that there ain't no party like an S-Club party.
And yes, the "nayonaise" and chili sauce that I just ate was and will be grossest thing that I consume this month. Thanks for asking.
And I need to sleep. For a month. See you in November.

Hangover Days

I woke up this morning and I felt like crap. It is October 7/07 - the day following the celebration of Esther and Joel's wedding. I think I have a dancing hangover. I danced hard. Real hard.
The day was nice. My hair looked like Vermilion threw up on my head. I wore a pretty dress and shoes with heels. It was a wedding. It actually may have been the nicest, best planned, most fun wedding I've ever been at. I'm not sure though because I had prom queen hair and I carried beautiful flowers most of the day and stood on stage while they poured vinegar into a vase with baking soda. Yup. It probably was the nicest wedding that I've ever been to. The unfortunate part is that I have a chronic case of the "bad-itudes". It's true. I love love. I love the idea of people choosing to spend their lives together. I love that E is now E-squared. It's great. I just don't like walking down aisles and standing awkwardly on a stage and having people tell me that my dress is pretty. I know it's pretty. I picked it because it's pretty. That was the job of my dress - to look pretty. It was just doing its job!
The dance was fun. It would have been even better is a certain A-lister didn't have an allergic reaction and have to go to the hospital! Sniff... I know it was more disappointing for you than for me. And I was disappointed.
I accidentally did something bad. It was the first dance and we were all gathered around the happy couple and I said: I'm going to use the washroom now. I know what the next three minutes is going to look like - the kids swaying back and forth while everyone watches. So I went to the washroom and ran into Jess and we chatted and as I was leaving I saw boys in brown shirts and girls with pretty dresses leaving the dance floor. Yeah. I was supposed to be on the floor for that one. I felt like a bit of an a-hole. It was an accident but due to my bad-itude from the rest of the weekend many could, quite reasonably, believe that I skipped out on purpose. I did not. What really makes me feel jerky is that all the boys were really nice and the boy I was paired with was "n-i-c-e" nice. He's one of those guys that can give a lingering shoulder touch without making me want to punch him in the face. Not creepy. I'm around alot of creepy in my day to day. I'm not really used to nice boys.
I was not very nice yesterday. I am socially inept at the best of times and I was really out of my comfort zone. I apparently had my "shifty eyes" on. Oops. And I'm sure that my readership of 12 does not and will not include any of the boys from this weekend - but I would still like to say: sorry if my eyes were shifty. Sorry if I was complain-y and made you want to punch me in the face. Sorry for not dancing when I should and dancing too much the rest of the time. Now that the apologies are over...I am ready for another dance party (right after I go to the chiropractor). I would also like to say: Esther, thanks for inviting me to be part of the celebration. I hope I didn't ruin too many photos. xoxxxoo angie

Today's Quiz

Circle the correct answer:
a) Today I got in trouble for shaking the vending machine at work
b) Today I got in trouble for playing Dwight Yoakam too loud at work
c) Today I DIDN’T buy a card at the Artworks
d) All of the above
If you selected “d” you win the prize (of my undying love). Congrats!!!
As a result of “a” and “b” I am feeling sheepish. I hate getting in trouble. I hate thrilling things. I hate playing pranks on people (except for prank phone calls – but even then I keep it fairly non-thrilling). I don’t like thrilling sports. I don’t ever want to go hang gliding or sky diving or box. I never want to box (I got punched in the face one too many times already). I don’t like getting in trouble – it feels like a bit of a thrill. I just don’t like my heart racing if it’s not for aerobic purposes. I just don’t do it. So when my phone rang today from a nearby cubicle informing me that my music was too loud and that she was trying to concentrate; my heart started to race and I wasn’t dancing or jogging or walking briskly and I felt like crap and still feel like crap. Oh well. Today is the Monday of the week that Esther gets to marry Joel. I think it’s going to be a good week.

Vampires Beware

My weekend revolved around garlic. I had it taped to two fingers because it's supposed to help my warts fall off. Then the smell made me crave garlic, so I roasted it. I ate it. Lots of it. I hung out with Jess on Saturday morning and I warned her: I smell like garlic. We were in her car and then she started to smell it so I had to put my hand out of the window on the drive back home. My garlic-y hand was cold and smelly. I still have warts. But I'm going to try it again tonight. After I get back from fashion week. That's right. Fashion Week. "Un"fortunately there's no fashion show tonight. I think my self esteem will still be intact when I go back home. Pray for me. Please.

Brought to You By the Letter HEFF

I am working on moving from f*** to "f" to "eff" and finally to "heff" . I feel good about where "heff" might take me. It's a little less 14, a little more 21. Before you know it, I'll be age appropriate.

My cousin just sent me a message saying she started reading my blog. Welcome, cousin Kerry. This is the cousin who apparently looks like me. A few years ago, I met a girl and I thought "she looks like my cousin Kerry". We hung out that summer and people thought we were sisters. I guess we do look alike.

On my way to work today I was listening to "Clap Your Hands Say Yeah" and I remembered the time I rubbed my shoulder into the lead singer of the Calgary, clap your hands-esque band "Light City Fiction". Man do I ever love local celebrity citings!

I am bored. I need a change. I satisfied-ish with my hair. I don't know what to do. I did a little school search Monday and Tuesday. I have been thinking about pursuing an MBA in Community Economic Development for the past year. The problem with that idea is the MBA part. Yuck. So, here I am with a career in a field I love, serving people I love in an agency that is a very good fit for my life. And. I am bored. I don't want to cut my hair and I don't want a new wardrobe. What else is there? More celebrity citings. I went to the library at lunch today and the cute boy wasn't there. (But nearly the complete Belle and Sebastian discography was there - what's wrong with you people? Listen to B&S. Constantly. Your life will never be the same). I need more celebrities in my life. I need more celebrity citings in my life. Or. Maybe I just need a life. Maybe I need to dance more. I have a wedding dance party to attend in 3 weeks. Maybe I need a hobby. I tried learning to knit last winter - I could develop that further. Maybe I should learn to crochet. I've been thinking about a video-log. Just in the case the world wide web doesn't have enough of me. I really like being on camera. I think I'm awfully entertaining. So many thoughts that are not worth developing any further..... sigh.... heff....

In conclusion: I'm trying out heff. I have a cousin. I'm bored. I like being around semi-famous people. I would like to be www.famous.

Ain't No Party Like a Hipster Party

I have a great view from my office. Trees. Sky. Church. Houses. Shopping carts. It’s pretty much the best view in the city.
And now what you’ve all been waiting for…..review of the JT concert. Yikes. It was an event. Good Charlotte opened. I’ve heard of them before. I don’t like them. In fact, I would go as far as saying they sucked. The banter was uninteresting at best and at times totally offensive. Justin...well he brought sexy back. He danced. He had dancers. I’ve never been to such a production before. I haven’t been to a big show since the 90’s. One of the greatest things about being an adult is being able to go to shows that say “no minors allowed”. I don't like music in arenas. I was really hoping that he’d sing the song “Damn Girl”. And he did! But his dancers were dancing like strippers. I didn’t like that. Damn girl, put your clothes back on.
Now the crowd. I will preface my opinion with this: I am not a hipster, and I am certainly not a scene-ster. That being said, I do, from time to time, find myself at particular scenes with hipsters. I may not entirely understand the life of the hipster, but they are familiar to me, and I feel comfortable around them. The crowd at JT was so weird. Mostly I felt like I was around the cool high school crowd. I don’t know how to describe it any better than that. Clubbers? I dunno.
My favorite part about the night was that I had on the best t-shirt in the joint. It was pink with sparkly pink letters that said: I'm bringing frumpy back. (Funny as shit, I know). No one seemed to think it was as awesome as I did until I was on the train sitting across from an unknown woman who began heartily laughing and told me I was funny. That woman knows funny.

HOPE!!!

On Thursday during my lunch break I sat at the pool in front of city hall. I love LOVE being near water...as long as it doesn't touch me. The day seemed pretty perfect. It was cool enough to wear my hood and I really love wearing a lot of clothes. I sat there and I flipped through a weekly and listened to Destroyer and then I got a coffee. On my way back to work I realized that I was in love. Not "in love" with a boy or something crazy like that. Just in love. The Creator really loves me and at that moment I felt it.
I believe in heaven. I don't think much about an otherworldly heaven, but I believe that the world is filled with bits of heaven and hell. When I choose love over self interest, I get a glimpse of heaven. Sometimes heaven just happens. I just happened to have my guard down for a second and the Creator reminded me of her presence and how good she is.
Yesterday I got some bad news. One of my favorite people in the world is struggling with some heavy shit right now. It broke my heart. Into a million pieces. But I have hope.
It's funny how I felt so rooted in goodness, and then a day later I watched it shatter. I couldn't stop yelling dirty words and then plead for healing. I can't imagine going through life without hope. I have such hope that there can be good. I have hope because I believe I am part of something big. I am part of the world that was carefully created and sustained by Love. I believe that Jesus was who he said he was. I have hope in community. I have hope that one day we'll understand why we consume. I have hope that one day all people will be valued equally. I have hope that one day we'll put down our arms. Maybe I won't see these things happen on this earth, but I still have hope.

Chin Paint

This morning, I woke up and thought: today is the day I'm gonna write a web log on how I regret buying tickets for the Justin Timberlake show. But then, when I was packing my bag for the day I put JT into my portable disc player (no ipod for me) and I realized my regret was unfounded. I AM GOING TO SEE JT! Woo hoo! It is going to be, like, so freaking awesome!
Woo! Hoo!
Last week was a fun week. Some highlights: I was walking to the first of 2 birthday parties, and I saw a girl on the sidewalk playing the guitar while rollerblading. I don't get girl crushes often...but she was playing the guitar while rollerblading! Aye carumba! I had my first (and possibly last) "Old Fashioned". It's just bourbon on the rocks with bitters and orange and a cherry. I don't think I like bourbon much. The next day (at birthday party number 2) the most adorable man in the world who serves in one of the most delightful diners in the city was at the bubble tea place. His adorable-ness turned into nerdy-ness outside of the diner, but it still felt like a brush with celebrity. On Friday, I went out for drinks with a few coworkers to celebrate buddy's last day. I work where I do for many reasons. One of the reasons is good staff. But in the past few months, all the people that I liked spending my breaks, and mental health moments with keep on leaving me. I still like those that are there, but they don't seem to have enough time for me. Sniff. Not a highlight. But I did drink one cosmo too many and had to regain my sainthood on Jess' couch while I whined about friends leaving me. On Saturday I saw Wilco. Did you hear me? Wilco. And, the eczema is back on my eyelid. Yes. And on Sunday I watched a really great documentary called "Art from the Street". It's about a program in Austin that allows street people to take art "classes" and then once a year there is a huge art show and sale and the people get to keep the money from their art. It was inspiring. Highlights of last week now officially over.
So far the highlight of this week has been a fake moustache.

Good Things

This week I moved into a slightly different position, and I moved from a shared office that overlooked the drop-in to a cubicle with windows. I don't have to worry about putting notes on my pen cup to ensure that I have a pen when I arrive in the morning. It's my office. Youpee! And with having windows, I can have plants. Youpee! I was cleaning out my drawers today and I found the library's Jane's Addiction album that is now 2 days overdue (I thought I had lost it). Youpee!
I have sent out a couple work emails encouraging everyone to go to the House of Bags (on 97 street between 105 and 106 ave). Today, a coworker sent out an echo email because she fell in with the place. (You are very welcome, House of Bags. It was a pleasure).
I had a mini discussion with someone who's leaving town soon. How much stuff is too much? Where is the line? He's planning on really simplifying his life this move. Stuff is something that I feel like I need to address in my life (yet again). Where is the line? How many black cardigans do I really need? What is it that God wants from me? Do I need to give up my cardigan collecting habit to be more like Jesus? Okay, so Jesus probably didn't wear cardigans, so I guess I have my answer. How is my stuff cluttering up my spirit? I think maybe more that I would like to believe. Why is that I need to be surrounded by books? (I've bought probably 25 books in the last month, and read only 2. (In my defense I may have the best second hand book source in the city). How is it that I have convinced myself that my footwear and leg wear is something to spend time and energy on? (This weekend I bought a pair of plain white Keds AND a BeDazzler. You do the math). I think that now is the time (again) to reevaluate my need for stuff, the stuff itself, and where my need for stuff is coming from. To tie this rant into the theme of this posting: the talk about stuff was very good timing. Youpee!
I have a cold and at first I thought it was the flu but it's not. Youpee! I took a nighttime decongestant and I think it's kicking in right now. Sleep. Youpee!
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzz

Goodbye

One of our guys died today. He was the guy that could make me more miserable than anyone. He was the main character in more than one of my rants. He was also a very lovely man with an addiction. That addiction tried to steal his goodness. His goodness was always present, but often tainted. A few months ago he sat in my office weeping as he just lost one of his best friends. I hope they're together now bringing healing and comfort and love to each other. He got a hair cut this week and he looked very nice. I wanted to tell him that it looked good, but there is a good chance that it would have taken a turn for the worst so I said nothing. I don't regret not telling him - but I hope he knew that he looked very nice. I'm quite concerned about one of his buddies. They were like brothers. A coworker compared the two to the the old heckling men on the Muppet Show. God, please save him from himself. Protect him as he copes with this loss. Bring him hope. Bring him comfort. Bring him healing. Make him whole.
I feel so weird right now. I've just lost the person who sometimes made it hard for me to go to work in the morning. I've just lost someone who frustrated me so badly, and made me sad for the losses in his life. He worked hard, too hard, and lost his family. He believed in God and we chatted about how it's the same Jesus in all the churches. He would constantly get in my personal space, and I would constantly remind him that I needed space and then he would get in my space and then I would tell him that it was inappropriate and then he would tell me he found me attractive and then I would tell him that it was inappropriate and that I couldn't talk to him until he treated me with respect and then he would tell him that he respected me (with a little shake of his head) and then he would get in my space and then I would leave. God, thank you for my friend. I did not appreciate him enough. He totally drove me nuts. I'm sorry for the times that I was impatient and I gave up on him. Please bring healing to his life now. Please bring reconcilliation between him and his children and his wife. Make things right that got so messed up. Make things right.

Blog This, Sucka

Some people don't like the blogosphere. Today, someone told me he thinks "blogs are weak and smell". What? Obviously, I disagree. I even went as far as saying "blogging is my favorite pastime". What? Obviously that was an exaggeration. Airbanding is clearly my favorite pastime. I never feel as alive as I do with a pretend microphone in my hand. Sigh.
Lately, I've been thinking about my "dream job". Some people dream of being an accountant in a big firm. Some people just really want to teach Spanish to ungrateful teens. I realized last night that I am lacking a dream job, but I certainly have ideas of a dream life. I like what I do for the most part...when I don't want to kick someone in the crotch. So this may actually be as close as I will get to a dream job. Yikes. All I really want with life is to spend my days with poor people and the Creator. I want to live in community with people and dance my ass off. I want to be good friends with a dog. I want to be good friends with a little person/people (children, not necessarily short people). I want to drink coffee and write. I want to read. I think it's good for me to come to terms with a potential lack of career. I can just have a job and be reasonably happy without worrying about a promotion. At the same time, I don't want to put too much hope on a dream life, either. What if I can't live in community? What if I find out that my terrible dancing is actually terrible and entirely devoid of charm? What if I develop a severe allergy to both dogs and kids? What if? This sh** is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S! (Second time today I quoted this song).

Vermilion Fair

The Vermilion Fair was AWESOME for a very short while. I shrieked for about an hour. SHRIEEKKK! Carmel apples! SHRIEEEKK! KM who used to ride my bus asked if I was "married off". SHRIEEEKKK! I ran into Joel and Esther who exited my car about an hour earlier. SHRIEEEKKKK! We're in Vermilion! We're in VERMILION! We went to the beer gardens where all the drinks were only $3. Heidi and I watched a couple for far too long. Is this their first date? Did they meet tonight? Their knees are touching. Will their lips touch before the night is over? Man, oh man. Next year I want to be able to go for longer and look at the displays and the tractor pull and the grandstand show. And I will likely avoid eye contact with all the men again. But maybe I will be even more deliberate about it. (Or maybe I'll enjoy the $3 drinks a little more and be a little less deliberate). You are ALL invited to enjoy the festivities with me next year. So fun.

Rufus' Legs

My apologies to those of you that have already heard this story. (I'm thinking of changing the name of my blog to "stories that everyone who reads this blog has already heard" or "rage against the fill in the blank").
I was sitting outside Wunderbar (101 street and Whyte Avenue) at a table waiting for some music to knock my socks off. There were groups of people on each side of me. On one side sat a group of ER nurses from an inner city hospital. A guy that I know was half cut and asking for money. He was a bit persistent, but kind. One of the guys asked him to leave, and they both became aggressive. Then as he walked past me I tried to de-escalate the situation by, I dunno, talking to him like he was a person. And he was awesome as always, then as he passed the nurses they were really rude and told him that they were off work and they'd see him Monday (I understand the need for boundaries, but they were so ARROGANT and mean). I was really pissed off. Then he made a funny joke saying "this is called called WHITE avenue, right?" and they didn't get it. I was so angry I had to go inside. Grrrr... I was so angry and felt justified in my anger. I wanted to punch the most arrogant nurse. I'm glad I didn't. But I wished that I would have gone with my gut instinct and went for a walk with the guy to get him out of the scene and spare some of his humanity. But I didn't. I've been realizing that I will often hold onto anger and sadness from injustices - believing that if I don't feel like I'm going to break in two, then no one is grieving for the situation and someone NEEDS to grieve. I absolutely need to cry for the poor and broken, but it doesn't help anything to stew over it for centuries. I sometimes forget about Jesus and how he is really good at grieving. It's okay and even important to feel angry and sad about stuff, but if I don't pass it along to Jesus to redeem it then nothing is gained or made right.
On a lighter note... I'm going to the Vermilion fair tonight. Woohoo! And apparently Rufus Wainwright has really nice girlish legs. I don't know from first hand viewing, but that's all I've heard about for the last two days...

My Heart Will, My Heart Will Go On

Today had some suckiness to it. There was a twinge of suck. There's a regular at work that drives me nuts because he's dirty, and he said something dirty to me while touching my back and I freaked out and I told him to f*** off. Then I effed off upstairs because I thought I may otherwise punch him or the next person who got in my way. When I made my way back downstairs I found myself in the middle of a fight and that just pissed me off more. Then we closed up early because there was a near riot in the food line. Grrr..... Then I went for a walk with two coworkers where I explained how I don't do well with seemingly nice comments (ie. maybe you wouldn't have so many problems if you didn't look so good.) Grrr.... For the record: shut the eff up, biatch. And then I went back to work for a debrief of the morning's events and then a session on sexual harassment. And no, the Sexual Harassment Panda was not present. Thank you for asking. (And yes I am drinking wine right now. And no. It's not enhancing my mood. Thanks for asking.)
Peace and love. PEACE and LOVE.
(A boy that I had a celebrity crush on about 5 years ago added me as a friend on Facebook. OH-MY-GOODNESS!)

Desert Island

I love how the weather was THE event of the weekend. Heat. I don't love it as much as I don't love it. It makes me a bit sad when I leave my house with medium-okay hair and by the time I get to my destination I have "sad bangs syndrome" (SBS). I think the weather is one of my favorite things about Edmonton. Being an Edmontonian makes me feel like I'm hardcore. Don't mess with me. I'm hardcore.
About an hour ago I agreed that if I was stranded on a desert island I might partner with one of my coworkers. Now I just need to get on a plane...
Things I would like to bring with me on a desert island:
A stereo with Belle and Sebastian (the band, not just an album), mix tape including, but not limited to the songs: Billie Jean (MJ), Toxic (Britney) and Closing Time (Leonard Cohen). Lots of paper and colorful pens. The Message (I don't seem to enjoy reading it much right now, but if I was on a desert island I think I might crave it more). Books, books, books. A computer with the biggest battery in the world and the TV series Lost. I've never watched the show before, but I can't imagine a better time to start. And an umbrella. And a way off the island. And cocktails. And a way off the island.

Happy Happy

I have a terrible habit of blogging when I feel like my life is caving in. So here are some happy things about today:

* When I went to get the paper, there was also a little bag from Jess who left this morning for Guatemala. Keys so I can water her plants, fruit that would otherwise rot, and a card and cookies because she loves me.
* I called a number at just the right time and got a guy a place to live.
* In response to a moment of grumpy-ness, a coworker got down on his knees and did his best sea lion impression. It was impressive.
* I did the dishes for the first time since Saturday and now the kitchen looks habitable once more.
* Supper at Sugarbowl with E squared (she paid).
* Hung out with Lauryn and Heidi.
* Hung up the painting that Todd to the Shin made for my birthday (it's in my bedroom for all those that care).
* Hung in. (that was lame-ass. sorry).

I was recently remembering going to Shakespeare in the Park in Montreal a few years ago. I can't remember what play it was but I do know that it was set in the settlers time and some of it was in French and some of the characters were Aboriginal. It sounds like a great idea but I remember thinking: Edmonton's is better. Good work Edmonton, good work. I saw "Two Gentlemen of Verona" on Tuesday. It was great. Good work Shakespeare, good work.

My heart has broken more this afternoon. I am tired of all of this.
I just was the first on scene after a woman got stabbed in the ass. Sadly, that was one of the better parts of my day. Shakespeare...you better be better than I'm expecting....

Updates

To all my adoring fans, I'm very sorry for neglecting you of the mundane going-ons of my life the past week. So here is a brief update on my life:
* After being near Caylie for a couple hours, my craftiness decided that it was finally time to re-surface. I altered a shirt that I bought over a month ago. So if you see me wearing a silly looking shirt with sea creatures....
* I completed my birthday celebrations on Friday with supper and hanging out. I ordered the WORST meal ever and I was really sad. But then I bought wine with a really cute label and became less sad. Oh yah, and I hung out with some of the best people ever. That made me less sad, too. (Esther and Joel made me a shirt that almost caused me to pee my pants. It has their faces on robot bodies. Funny.)
* I celebrated Jessica's birthday. I got to go to Value Village and I made an ice cream cake that was apparently DEE-licious. I also sat by a fire that was fuelled by stained wood. I think the toxins are almost off my body.
* Since Friday I've been trying to get someone into an emergency accommodation. She came in today with a black eye - and now my heart is broken. Perfect.
* On Sunday I went to some live music and I almost talked to an old friend who is now married and apparently not my friend. Maybe one day he'll want to talk to me...
* Yesterday I started reading "Girlfriend in a Coma" - and then I went into a coma at 8:30. Coincidence?
* Tonight I am going to Shakespeare in the Park and I am excited.
* No one (not one) took me up on the boyfriend application. Truthfully, I'm not disappointed. Maybe a little.

It's Time

I spent the afternoon reading at Churchill Square. I was sitting at a table in the beer gardens where it was nice and shady. I had just settled in when a coworker came and sat down with me. Now, we were in the beer gardens and I think she was there for awhile before I got there. She seemed quite upset that I was there by myself and she told me that I need a boyfriend. She's praying that I find a boyfriend. And she really really hopes that I find a boyfriend someday. And that I really really need a boyfriend. So I've decided to start accepting applications. (For a brief overview of the application process click here). Interested applicants can post their qualifications in confidence on the comments page. Best of luck.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Rock Show

We were almost in Red Deer when we got a flat tire. We were in the process of finding the spare and looking for a jack when a man and his daughter pulled up to give us a hand. Ten minutes later we were back on the road. We were clueless with where to go and what would be opened. Then we saw it. The Toyota dealership. I flashed the guy at the front desk and he promptly took my keys. We watched Malcolm in the Middle, read celebrity mags, played Sudoku and talked about boys while we waited. They weren't able to patch the tire, but did have one "in the back". When I went to pay for it, he said it was on the house and the paperwork would be more of a hassle than the tire was worth. What? The moral of this story: always travel with a group of "helpless girls" and always, always flash the guy at the front desk. One more thing. We took my car, and it was packed with five people and bags and carrot sticks and blankets. So, the poor guy had to move all our sh*t to put the tire back. I still feel a bit bad about that. But getting helped by a stranger and getting a tire for free was the best possible start to the trip. I can't think of anything that could have made me happier.
Destroyer and CVG were fantastic. They played at a church and I really like going to shows at churches. Yesterday we had the day to kill and we went to the Calgary Art Gallery and the exhibit was by John Hartman on cities and it was perfect. I love LOVE "the city". The city at its best reminds me our interdependence and makes me love the Creator. And I was able to enjoy the city in a new city and it was perfect. And Nelson Henricks "Map of the City" was fantastic. Mother Mother and Spoon were both awesome and I saw my aunt there. I also rubbed myself into a minor celebrity. And there were no flat tires on the way home. Just an awkward conversation with a kid at 7 eleven. Sigh. And the weekend has just begun!

Best Present

Today I remembered how last year Mike T. wrote and recorded me a birthday song and then did an airband to it. That was my best present ever.
Speaking of best presents...I had the most bizarre work interaction today. This person who was just stopping through town asked for support with a couple things before she continued on her way back home. About 4o minutes into our conversation she tells me that I "fascinate her". It may not sound creepy, but it was. I told her it was inappropriate, etc. and then she changed it to "this centre fascinates me," and then told me that I'm a genius that, um, fascinates her. Then she saw a paper on my notice board about transitional housing, and how she'd like to stay in the city and work with me on a daily basis. (At this point, she began to tap her fingers like I was tapping mine. I promptly stopped tapping). I told her that I couldn't work with her because she's being inappropriate, and there are other workers that would be better suited for her needs. She responds with: but I'd go into "Angela withdrawal". Yeah, this is like 5o minutes into meeting each other, and she was gonna go into withdrawal? Hmmm.....? So I had to go "check a fax" and what do I hear but my new friend moaning "Aannnngela..... Aannnngela...... Aannnngela.....". OH. MY. GOODNESS. Yeah. I really encouraged her to hop on the midnight bus going home.

Jens asks: ARE Birthdays Happy?

It was nearly two years ago that I had the worst birthday of my life. I've had many bad birthdays but this one was the bad-est. There were many problems. I had just come back from a terrible trip to Vancouver. I went there because...God told me to (?). What she was thinking? I don't know. I audited a class at Regent on the writings of Charles Williams. I love him. (He influenced many writers. "The Place of the Lion" was written before C.S. Lewis created Aslan. Check it out). I fell in love with a writer, so that was good. I also got parasites. My girls drove me down and it was at a patio along the ocean in White Rock that a bird shit in Lane's food. I thought mine was okay until I was finishing up and then realized that there was grey on my tomato. I was ILL the whole three weeks that I was there. The trip wasn't all Williams and sickness, I also had time to hang out in the downtown east side. Man I "love" slums.

So, I got back from this bizarre trip where I was so sick and so confused and so .... what the eff God? and I came home to craziness. There were people at my house ALL the time. And I'm not talking about "Heidi-people" I'm talking about people that I sometimes didn't want to be around. I come home from this excruciating trip and my home is not my home. My "home" is filled with roommates' friends until really late and I and just want it all to end.

I was looking for a job and thought that I could maybe settle for just a job. So I started at a coffee shop in a grocery store. And I had to wear a little hat. I was there for three days. On my third day I woke up and I was 25 and I was going to a shitty job where I had to wear a little hat and I freaked out and when I got home at the end of the day, I called the manager and quit and lied and said that I had another offer more in my field. Then I cried again. And then my friends took me to a patio with terrible music. And THAT was my worst birthday ever.

The next year, I went to the zoo during the day. Ate good food. Went to Wilco. This year, I'll be going to see Spoon. I think I'm on a roll. Sorry about all the birthday talk, but if I don't bore you, WHO will I bore?

It's my grandpa's birthday on the 28th and I discovered that he shares the same birthday as Rousseau. So, I decided to put a quote on his birthday card:

"Watch a cat when it enters a room for the first time. It searches and smells about, it is not quiet for a moment, it trusts nothing until it has examined and made acquaintance with everything.” Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712-1778).

And THAT is why we study him today.

Jens, thanks for posing that important question. The answer is: sometimes.

3 things

I JUST got the BIGGEST hug ever from my favorite street person who just happens to have the bluest eyes on earth.

There was a fire that destroyed some of the Simple Ways' buildings.

Light City Fiction. Check them out.

Robot Jokes

I was looking for robot jokes today and here are some good ones.

Jokes
Made by Robots,
for Robots.

BY J. ALEX BOYD

- - - -

A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits.

A robot walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist asks him if he'd like anything. The robot replies, "A soul."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A robot.
Oh, shit.

What's the difference between a regular robot and a killer robot?
The gnawing jeers of men.

What's a robot's favorite cereal?
Rob-os.
(Note: Rob-os are made of the tears of human children.

Why did the robot order a milkshake?
To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.

Mayor of the Universe

I think that there should be a new addition to driver education and driving exams. This part would include appropriate and inappropriate ways to communicate with pedestrians and other drivers. Specifically this would include when and when not to yell things. I don't want to sound sexist, but if I was Mayor of the Universe I would target this education and testing on young men. Actually it would target all men. (I may be questionably sexist but I am NOT ageist).
I'm very curious what people think they will accomplish by doing the drive by catcall at someone walking on the sidewalk. "Gee whiz. That girl has all limbs attached - that's an attractive quality. Maybe if I yell something about the way she walks she'll want to have dinner with me and we'll fall in love over poetry and curry". Or "Wow. I've never seen a girl so close-up before. Maybe if I say something that makes her want to have an emotional shower she'll feel so broken and used she'll agree to sleep with me". For the record: maybe not.
Just yesterday I was commenting on how much better I've been feeling since I don't work in the drop in. I'm not surrounding by so many people all the time and I don't get hit on very often and I can dress normal. Skirts! Scarves! Sneakers! But then today I had a chat with a Mr. Dirty and it made me so angry. I find it interesting how a word (pretty) can be so nice, and can turn into an attack on one's person. Grrr.... Once again I don't know how I managed to get this life. I am SO not that girl. Anyway, soon after that annoying interaction Jesus brought my favorite crazy man into the office. He was fun. And he always makes me giggle and he was giggly today and he used some of the same words that Mr. Leer used, and like that I wanted to snap Mr. Leer's neck a little bit less. And I still might wear a skirt tomorrow.

Summer Loving

Wilco is coming to town August 18th. Yes. And the Works festival starts this week. There will be some good shows at Churchill Square. I'm looking forward to seeing some bands that I should already know. I really love summer. I always forget that I love it and then am always pleasantly surprised at how effin' awesome it is. Rock on, summer friends. Rock on.

Put Your Hands on Your Hips and pull your knees in tight...

For the first time ever I encouraged a colleague to read my blog. And he did. I think that it was a bit frightening for both us of us. I feel like we've entered new and exciting territory. Hello Jay, welcome to my blog.
I'm not sure if I should be allowed outta my house with my wallet from now on. I went to look for a baby shower gift (for a really great video with dinosaurs about showers click here). I came home with a really cute navy blue polka dot scarf, "Office Space" and "Rocky Horror Picture Show". None of those items are baby shower appropriate. Fortunately, all are Angie appropriate. (At least someone can use them).
It is raining really hard right now and there's lots of thunder. I'm sure thankful that I can enjoy the storm from the comfort of my home. And that my home isn't a tent.

Sad Day

First of all, I would just like to say that people only think I look like Lisa Loeb because of the glasses. That's it. We all know that's it. Just because my visual aid is a permanent fixture on my face and Lisa Loeb's "visual aid" is a permanent fixture on her face does not mean that we look alike. Okay? Okay.

Secondly, I helped with evicting homeless people yesterday. It was one of the most bizarre and sickingly sad events of my life. The B Centre was forced to ask people to move their camps out of our parking lot. I don't know how we got to this place where we so obviously disregard the value of some lives. (One amusing moment during the eviction was when a umm, verbose camper was talking to the camera and asked Mayor Howie Mandel to do something about the situation. I admit it, I giggled).
Check out the story here.

See Ya Later Heart. Thanks For Stopping By

Lately I've been feeling like my insides might just decide to leave me. My heart is ready to jump out at any moment. Duuuh-dut-duuuh-dut-duuuh-dut! Ka-bloo-eee! Outta my chest! I can't think straight. My mind is going. And don't get me started on my bowels. Trust me. We do not want to go there. My question is: where do my insides want to go? A different body? Different bodies? Do the different parts not like each other anymore? Are they sad that I don't travel much? Maybe they want to go Germany. I just don't have an answer to these important questions.

Hello Robot, pt. 2

Here are some pictures of the robot costume.











Not only did I take time out of my "busy schedule" to take photos, I also "persuaded" three coworkers to wear the costume. One of them road his bike while wearing it. Now the robot is being used to build up a cubicle wall so "guy who warned me of soy" can check his emails. Listen to this. I was just minding my own business when out of nowhere this guy jumps out of his cubicle and begins berating me for eating Soyogurt. (Okay, so since the Lord had healed my mind and I don't want to slip into a coma on a regular basis, I may, or may not, have become a bit of a pest at my work place. I may have become mildly obnoxious, but mildly obnoxious is not deserving of a scolding). Right, so this guy JUMPS out of his cubicle and tells me that I have a terrible diet. The warning was not convincing enough to change my soy habit, but it did make me feel lazy about not being careful enough about what I consume. Boo... soy warning guy! Boo.....!

Hello, Robot

Today at work, I made a robot costume. I cut two holes for arms and one hole for my head, slipped it on and went to work. I got lots of people from the drop in to sign it. Later, a colleague blew up gloves and we stapled them on the sides by the arm holes and he drew on nobs and buttons. Making that costume is pretty much the best thing I'll do all year, I'm sure. (I will try to remember to bring my camera in tomorrow to show y'all what a cardboard box and a little bit of creativity can accomplish).

Conspiracy and the Road Trip

I am becoming increasingly suspicious of the real ingredients of chocolate Silk Soy Beverage. I don't think it can be that addicting with legal substances. What would they be able to lace it with and still keep it affordable? I just don't have an answer to that question.



I am going to Calgary to see


Spoon



and



Chad VanGaalen


at Sled Island (on my birthday. Yesssss......!). I'm going with Sarah and Becky and Heidi and Justina. I am very very excited. There are few things that I like more than exploring new cities and going to rock shows. Now, if I could explore a new city with a sea lion. Or go to a rock show with a sea lion on the banjo. That might become my favorite thing. Yes. And if I could do those things without the eczema on my eyelid. Man, that would be perfect.


"stars of track and field are beautiful people" Belle and Sebastian

Shoulda Been a Cheerleader

I think that I may have missed my calling. I think that I would be an asset to a cheer squad. Now, I'm not talking about one of those teams that goes to competitions and does wicked awesome gymnastic moves. I'm talking about a crappy high school team - like the team at my high school. I am good at yelling and being fake peppy. "READY? OKAY! GIMME AN 'L'!" and so on and so on.
My birthday is this month and that makes me want to do fun things all the time.
One fun thing that I've been doing is thinking about sea lions a lot. I LOVE sea lions (and Sea Lion Woman). Thinking about sea lions has turned me into a giggle-bot. Aarrfff aarrrffff!
I am going crazy for an out of town adventure but my bank account tells me that now is not the right time. I tried to rope some people into taking a road trip to Montreal and it seemed like a good idea. But seriously, who has the time to drive to Montreal? I really wanted to go to some rock shows there. But instead, it looks like maybe I'll take a little trip to Calgary for some rock shows (Spoon is coming! Youpee!). And I'd be gone for my birthday which is perfect because lots of my peeps are busy that day and I am birthday centric and easily disappointed.
I've been happy for a week. That may not seem like a huge accomplishment but it's been awhile since I've been happy for a whole week. Thank you sea lions. Thank you sea lion Creator.

Heart of the City Festival

Hey kids I almost forgot (thanks LT for reminding me) that the Heart of the City Festival is THIS Saturday, June 9th. From 11 am to 10 pm there will be music and fun at Giovanni Caboto Park (95 street and 108 avenue). Be there or consider yourself squared.

Follow Up

I forgot to update about the sad situation with the man who's wife passed away. He needed a bus ticket to get to her funeral - it was a 5 hour ride (way too long to hitchike). Finding a Greyhound ticket is almost impossible. I usually just tell people that I have no access to one and pass the buck (I just don't have time to track one down). Well, this situation was different. Thank goodness for discernment. My first instinct was to try Central Baptist. I am a member and I know that once a month we take up an extra offering for meeting the special needs of the community. I called and there was no one in the office authorized to make such a decision, but they promised to call me back. So I called a few more churches in the meantime. No one bit. Central called back right away and thought it was a great idea. My friend made it to the funeral in time. What a blessing. I drove him to the bus station and asked him for a hug and he complied. I was teary and I asked for a hug. I threw my professional boundaries out the window and I don't regret it for a second. Still a very sad story, but the church pulled through...better ending than I was expecting. (Maybe I should expect a little more...)

Darkness and the Dress

On Thursday I found it. I found a dress for Esther’s wedding. No. I found the dress for Esther’s wedding. Actually I found the dress. It’s perfect. It’s pretty and will swirl around when I dance. (And I will dance). It’s a dress that I can wear whatever I want under it. No sucking in devices. It’s perfect. My life is now complete in the dress department. Youpee!! I was awfully concerned about finding something wedding worthy. I feel like a grubby kid most of the time and it was good to find something that wasn’t grubby and make me feel like I’m not the one who ruined all the photos. (Just for the record, I think it will be Lauryn who ruins all the photos. She’s so gross).
Yesterday I got scared. I am afraid of the dark and going into space and choosing the wrong partner. But I don’t usually get scared during the day. I had to check in on someone’s camp because someone apparently got the shit beat out of them and was bleeding from their head. I checked, and he was indeed bleeding. I don’t know who was using what, but I have never seen that group of friends so violent before. I was absolutely sickened. One of the guys threatened me and I actually felt threatened. I believe that the spiritual world and the natural world are one and the same and that they are innately part of one another. That camp was one dark place. It made me so angry. I really hate how life and love gets stolen away. These friends were turning on each other and beating the shit out of one another. I saw hate. That hate scared me. I am so mad that hate can exist. I have it in me sometimes too. How can I get rid of my hate and rid that camp of hate? How can I make people choose life and love? How can people choose life and love when they feel they have no choice? God help us all.

It's Time We Talked....

about finger foods and flowers. First, finger foods.

I think Deviled Eggs are the sexiest finger food, possibly even the sexiest food. First of all, there's the name. Deviled = dangerous, dirty, dead sexy. The Deviled Egg is pretty looking and every cocktail party needs them. By the way, the cocktail party is the sexiest party around. To me, that means that the necessary food at the sexiest of parties is the sexiest food. (One time we had a cocktail party and we hid all the unsexy objects, and made bizarre art out of stools and candles. Sexy. I think it was sexy. Maybe the art wasn't sexy...we did add a large bottle of rum to the punch. But the Deviled Eggs, now they were sexy). I like how finger foods feel festive. Stick a toothpick in a piece of watermelon. And like that you've got party-worthy melon. Love it.

Second, flowers.
Why is a pansy a pansy? Seriously. Why did we start calling wussy boys pansies? I love the pansy. I think they are tied with the sweet pea as being my favorite flower. Simple. Sweet. Perfect. They are the Sandra Dee of flowers. Today I bought a bunch of flowers for my front steps. I love flowers and no one ever buys me any. Now I can sit on my steps and read and look at pretty. I like pretty.
Speaking of pretty.... everyone should listen to Pony Up! They are a wicked awesome girl band from Montreal. I heard them open for Camera Obscura a few years ago. I really liked them, but I never bought an album. I took out "Make Love to the Judges With Your Eyes" from the library and I am so in love. They wore pretty shirt dresses when I saw them. I love shirt dresses.
I am probably going dress shopping tomorrow. I am in E squared's wedding in October and she is being a doll and letting us pick out our dresses. I really wanted to wear white, but she's insisting on fall colors. Hello...Bridezilla?

Love Will Tear Us Apart

I am sad. Living in this world I am surrounded by such pain and brokeness. Working in the inner city, the pain that I see is amplified. After a surprisingly short time, loss becomes somewhat normalized. But today I drove a man to identify his wife who died. They were together and in love for eight years. It was a shitty circumstance. They were stranded in the city together and were seperated for a night and the next day he was informed that she had died. I believe in the good of life. I believe there is a Redeemer for all life, and I believe that I will remain sad for a little while.

Jive Talking

The best moment of today involved a lovely young woman who is very ill with schizophrenia. She is really confused and it's sad to see her so broken and vulnerable. She was doing pseudo-martial arts moves in the middle of the drop in. When I went to go talk to her, she started doing the jive with me. I wanted to participate but I didn't think it was the best move, professionally speaking. She's quite the dancer. Thanks God for my friend. Heal her. Please.

P-O-P-U-L-A-R !

Today I realized that I am really really popular. I've never been popular before. I've been quite unpopular - but never p-o-p-ular. I had to drop off some papers at a client's home early this morning and as I was walking I said hi to almost everyone I passed and almost everyone recognized me and smiled at me and I smiled at them and I loved it. Wanna know the real reason I like working with street people? I like being popular.
A strange boy once told me that he liked that I wasn't a "friend whore". Not quite sure what he meant by that but I think he meant that he appreciated that I don't have a need for a whole lot of friends. I may not be a friend whore, but I am becoming increasingly aware that I am an "emotional slut". I will share whatever with whoever gives me the time of day. My favorite "games" or not games at all but talking times where I get spill out my insides. Thank goodness for the blogosphere. It's nice to have an audience (even if it is small).

A T-Shirt By Any Other Name

I like it when moments from the past pull together for a really great present. On Friday I went to Feist and it was overall a fan-flippin-tastic night. On the way there, I saw a man I used to know who always reminds me of a pirate. Then I saw a man running in his really white loafers. I met white loafer man again at the theatre. Then after Chad VanGaalen played beautifully and without an offensive tirade I saw this guy that sat with me and Jess on our first date. It was at the Powerplant. I think Sarah Slean was playing. The main reason that I remember this boy is that he was just so perfectly nerdy. And he asked if we were going to Snoop Dog. We weren't. He was. I can't believe I let him go...

I was really excited about going to Feist because I was going alone and I haven't been to a show solo for two years. In my memory there are few things greater than enjoying music at a beautiful theatre by myself. Well...I was wrong. It was good but it could have been better. One problem was the man who sat next to me. When he first sat down I thought: wow. that guy smells like a bakery. I didn't think he smelt like a baker because the only baker I've ever hugged smells more like cologne than bread. The bakery thought lasted for about 3o seconds and then I realized he reeked of booze. On my time off I would rather sit by a friend than by random stinky drunk man.


I went to Vermilion again this weekend. It has been my goal to go more often to make my family love me. I think perhaps distance DOES make the heart grow fonder. One of the highlights of the weekend was the part when dad was dressing for church and explaining how you never know if it will be hot or cold in there, and how he was prepared. He pointed out that he was wearing a "sweatshirt" under his sweater. After we pointed out that the "sweatshirt" was actually a t shirt, he explained "that's what I call it". What?

Now I don't want to become one of those people who writes a lot about television...but oh my goodness Pam and Jim! The crew at Seattle Grace! It's just too much to take.
I am going to see Feist in under three hours. Yes!

Here's to Getting Up on a Saturday

This morning I left my house at 7:40 because I needed to drive half way across the city and back before I represented Candeo at a woman's breakfast at the church. I've never really understood the need for ministries specific to women and men - and I was quite sure that I could never fit in at a ladies breakfast. But let me tell ya, I was wrong. I'm not planning on joining the planning committee for the next woman's event, but I likely won't scoff at the next event either. There were a few woman who were very encouraging to me about our vision for Candeo. And it was nice to see all ages of women enjoying each others company. But the thing that really made me embrace the morning was a very funny older woman. I often feel like I'm "faking it". I feel like I present as a punk ass kid. I feel like the insides of me are adult and composed but I am very aware that there's lots between my insides and my outsides. And people don't usually see my insides. My outside indicates that I am a kid with poor vision and a sinus problem that has been miraculously cured by permanently installing an unsightly piece of metal through my left nostril. On the outside I have a misunderstanding of the proper placement of the word like and find most everything to be full of awe (ie. that's, like, awesome). I don't think my outside is going to change anytime soon. But for now and likely for the rest of today (and maybe a little of tomorrow) I'm not going to worry much about my outside. There was this wonderful older woman, a church lady, who was in front of me in the bacon line. She was being very silly and making jokes about the sausage still being alive. I know that silly church ladies DO exist, but I see them so infrequently. I wonder if she worries about her outsides. I hope when I'm a silly older church lady (if I become a silly older church lady) that I will finally get over my outsides and just be happy that I have insides.

I'm watching a Pixies concert from the library and it's good. I recommend everyone takes out music videos from the library. It gives a person less reason to leave the house when you have the option to go to shows at home. Joel Plaskett is playing tonight and I'm not going. I have a film on the Clash that's due back tomorrow. Maybe I'll watch that instead. Maybe I will.