:(

Grandpa passed on Thursday afternoon in the company of his youngest daughter. I felt numb and was able to keep it together until I entered the hospital room with his still body. I lasted about seven seconds before I had to leave. I'm not going to have the pleasure of my grandpa's company on this earth again. I'll miss sharing birthday parties with him. I'll miss looking at his beautiful wavy silver hair. I'll miss his ginger carrots. I'll miss him a lot. I'm so thankful for the thirty years that I enjoyed with him. I'm so thankful and so sad. I also feel like a weight has been lifted. He was sick and uncomfortable and it was exhausting watching him suffer and wait.
This was my most intimate encounter with dying. When I saw him after all life had left I realized how I have been simplifying life into living and not living. His body died, but what changed from the last few days of struggling breaths to the moment that breath stopped? Did the last heart beat free his spirit? Did the last breath change anything for his spirit? I saw him passing for weeks. For months. Once again I'm surprised my simplistic thinking. I blame it on my early years as a fundamentalist. Creator, continue to care for my grandpa. Help him choose life and love. Continue to heal him from all of life's scars. Help him choose love. Help me choose love.

Choose Your Own Adventure

I am not one to have a lot of goals. Call me lazy if you must. I have a few dreams. I’d like to be a farmer. I’d like to have nice hair again. The one goal that I’ve had for the last five? six? years has been to see Belle and Sebastian. They haven’t toured North America for years. Last week I decided to take the plunge and buy a ticket for a show in Portland in October. I’m excited. I have been preparing for this show since “Dear Catastrophe Waitress” came out in 2004. I went through a few years of getting dressed in the morning thinking: how would I want to present myself if I was going to a Belle and Sebastian concert today? I’m excited. I have about three months to plan the perfect cardigan-knee sock combination. My tentative plan is to fly to Vancouver where I will meet Becky. She's planning on visiting a friend for a few days. Then we’ll bus/train down to Portland for a couple days of exploring together. She’ll find her way back to Edmonton while I stick around for a bit – maybe go to a show in Seattle. Then I’ll take the train the rest of the way home. I’m excited. I think this adventure will be a good balance of alone and not alone. Train! Bus! Plane! Exploring a new city! Maybe I'll take up knitting again. Maybe I'll read a book or two. With pictures. I'm excited.

Losing, Loser, Lost

So I've recognized a pattern in my life, and I've decided that it's best if I make it public. Every time a good friend gets married I have a serious sense of loss and become very very sad. This weekend I lost not only one, but two friends to marriage. So, dear friends, if you find a love and decide to leave me for him/her, do not be alarmed if I start to be very mean to you, drink too much, or cry incessantly. It's just my way. My very dysfunctional way.

This One's For the Ladies

Lately I haven't been feeling sufficiently self-indulgent to blog. But I've been saving up little bits of self-indulgence here and there until now. And now, ladies and gentleman, for your reading pleasure, here are some updates on my very mundane life...
My grandpa is really sick. It makes my heart hurt. He's living in a care facility and has put his house up for sale. I'm hoping to dig up as many of his perennials as possible. I miss him already.
I had to yet again drastically change my diet. This time it's for the bacterial overgrowth. No carbs, sugar, fruit, soy, beans, etc. Not a good prognosis for a vegetarian. So now I'm a vegetarian in heart and a stinky fish eater in body. My body is doing weird things. One of those things is that I can't really process alcohol. I had some friends over from work and I had to leave the celebration early because it set off my vertigo. I was sick for a couple weeks. I turned 30! During the party while sitting around the fire, I exclaimed "I'm thirty!" While shouting, I kicked my leg, causing my shoe to fly off my foot, hitting my glasses, knocking them off my face into my lap. WTF is right. It was pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to me. Shortly after, I got a case of the dizzies and had to leave yet another party early. I cried myself to sleep. (Ha!) (I have since started getting Bowen treatments again. Last time I was there, she did a move that took away my tinnitus, and I haven't been nauseous since!)
I finished the first year of my masters program! No more school until September!
J&A got married! I was pretty spazzy with most of the best lady duties. I'm not handling my own life very well these days, and I had a hard time throwing parties and not being a total buzz kill. I tried hard. I borrowed my mom's mini van and decorated it with a disco ball and streamers and insisted that it be called the party wagon (about an hour ago, I ran into a fence and dented the side of the van. Party wagon has been partied out). The day ended up being lovely. Highlights for me included:
* locking my keys in the van right before we were to leave to pick up the bridal party to get our hair done
* spending 70 bones to get said hair done
* hearing that my lovely housemate called AMA and got the keys out of the van while I was still at the salon (who hearts community living? I heart community living!)
* making it official
* spending the day with people who are easy to be around
* a boy who thinks I'm a drag made efforts to talk to me because I was cleaner than normal, and had $70 hair (WTF is right)
* the d.a.n.c.e.
* J's enthusiastic dancing cousin
* my ladies and I did an airband to the Darkness - "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" and we were really really good
* dancing around a boy from Washington, D.C. to the Magnetic Field's "Washington, D.C."
* convincing everyone to join me in closing the dance to Leonard Cohen's "Closing Time"
* awkward conversation with one of A's friends when he told me that the Al Green in the playlist made up for my previous song mistakes. I told him he was being passive aggressive. The conversation continued for another couple of minutes. It probably should't have.

* no more wedding!
I got a dancing hangover from Saturday. I was so wired I haven't really been able to sleep the last couple days. Perhaps the lord will bless me with sleep tonight. Perhaps.

give up

One community garden, two deaths and one severe beating. And it's only Wednesday.

Ticket to Ride

Likes: wine, doing homework while watching friends play board games
Dislikes: everything else

Cage Fight for Peace

Last night I had a dream that I was fighting with a coworker. I think the dream got me ready to yell at him this morning for an action that I thought was totally unsafe and out of bounds for his role. We talked about it later in the day. I still think that I am right and he is wrong. I have been thinking a lot about the different skill level of workers in my industry. In response, I decided to marry my school and work life and write a proposal for a peer-supervision group. I need accountability in my professional life, and I need to feel like I am working with professionals. I want to be able to continue working where I'm working, but things need to change.

ps. my grandpa is sick. it breaks my h.e.a.r.t.

Creepy

I get so pleased when I am reminded that I'm in the right line of work. This afternoon I was reunited with one of the creepiest women I have ever met. We talked while I was supervising one of my faves making music on a keyboard and howling. Creepy music, creepy crazy lady, and a mouth that hurts from smiling.

Listen Up!

I just saw a Crayola commercial and I'm pretty sure they were using the Unicorns song "I Was Born a Unicorn". Whaaa?

Is That A Worm In Your Intestine or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Today I went to the thrift shoppe and spent a whopping $14 on books. My new favorite book is Jurassic Park and I decided that I like Michael Crichton even though JP is the only book of his that I have read. So now I have eight more to read (I really hope they're all about dinosaurs. I really like dinos). Maybe I'll read them when I'm on the beach. In Maui. In April. Woot woot is right. Before then I have to start a few assignments and finish a course and get rid of worms and a bacterial overgrowth. Ha.

Not So Crazy After All

Guess what? I just found out that I have hookworm chomping on my intestines. How awesome is that? I am hoping that when I get that cleared up digesting and living in general will be a little bit easier. The funny thing is that hookworm is also being used to treat things like hay fever, asthma, crohns and celiacs. I have some fear that I kill the parasite and then everything goes to shit. We'll have to wait and see. It's a little depressing when the discovery of a parasite is guaranteed to be the best thing that happens all month. I need somethings to change - and soon.

Three In One

I am working on putting together a party for work this Thursday. It is going to incorporate Groundhog Day, Valentine's Day, Chinese New Year, and Yahtzee. I'm not sure how to represent all of these interests. The Yahtzee is a no-brainer. I think I'll make heart gf sugar cookies and hang up a paper lantern. I may also wear a mustache and respond indignantly when someone challenges me on how it is representative of groundhogs. Any other ideas?

The Good Old Days

I don't get as many terrible interactions at work like I once did. I was reminiscing about this one. Ha!

And...

I have been a grouch-bot this week and I think it's time to think of things that don't suck. I just heard one of the best giggles from one of the best people (who also happened to punch me in the head once). And I finally got a chance to play with the Lunch Hour Yahtzee Working Group. I didn't win, but I did get a Yahtzee. And I get to go to an engagement party tonight. And I get to buy a dress and be the best lady at their wedding this summer. And I have an assignment due tomorrow. And I'm sitting at work neither working nor writing my paper. And I'm wearing more pink than should be legal.

Argh

Over the Christmas holidays, everybody's favorite client passed away beautifully in his sleep in the company of family. I will miss him, but it was so comforting to know that it wasn't a violent death and he wasn't by himself. What impacted me most was how I am so privileged to be able to grieve in the privacy of my home. I was impacted by this guy's life, but he wasn't my friend. He wasn't my cousin or my brother. I was sad to lose him, but even sadder that life is terribly unfair. People don't have a safe place to brush their teeth, to be intimate with a partner, or to mourn for a good friend. I cried more with this realization that I did for the loss of a beautiful life. I am embarrassed that it took until now to form these thoughts. What.the.hell.?

I Am Single-Handedly Ruining the Internet

Hey! I started a new blog. It's about dancing! I need a hobby! That doesn't involve my computer!

Oh Boy

Dear Diary,

Wow. What a crazy week. Two of my top three most memorable evenings have occurred in the last eight days. Last weekend, I had the pleasure of spending some time with a few acquaintances. It was a good reminder of many things. I am so thankful for the people that I have in my life. I am continuously surrounded by folks who are nice and respectful and don't mimic dirty deeds at the dinner table. Uh huh. Last night I broke my favorite of all rules: being in bed before midnight. I got home at 3am with french fries and a muffin from mcdonald's and a belly full of wine. Uh huh. Before 3am came around, I watched a coworker strip down to his gonch. I met a guy who is a vegetarian and used to be a preacher and is still totally inappropriate to date. I also spent about half an hour trying to convince my friend that it would be a bad idea to make out with a coworker. I will spare you the boring details of both nights, but I really really like being boring. I am going to work on being a little more boring from now on. I also have some stories about my new nd, but I will keep the body talkk on the body blog.

Lemon and Cayenne and Maple, Oh My!

I am still "working" on getting a diagnosis of some sort for my allergies/sensitivities. "Working" may not be the right word as it implies some sort of action. I am actively waiting to meet with a new naturopath (only 10 more days until my appointment). When I'm not busy waiting, I keep myself busy with consuming copious amounts of gluten (bread, beer, and muffins). It has been such a good time. I have heard that some people with problems with gluten lose weight - I don't. I feel like a whale. Be-luuuu-ga. My belly hurts and some of my pants don't fit very well. So...today I decided that as soon as I find out just what's going on in my body I am going to go on (drum roll...) the Master Cleanse. I really really love things that cleanse my insides. My favorite part of the description of the cleanse is when it describes the Salt Water Flush (disgusting). I have senna tea left over from the time that I did the Colonix Colon Cleanse (which was a total let down) so I won't be braving the flush. TMI? Too bad for you.

Poor Choice

I sometimes tell jokes that aren't funny. Such as v---------. I deleted that post. (Good choice).

And It's Only...

Turns out that by Tuesday, the crappiness of the week had only begun. The shit show continued until Saturday when the representative of the regulatory body that I will one day be mandated to affiliate with was not very nice. Instead of getting into the crappy details, I will instead focus on the good. I ate nachos. I won Yahtzee. I broke the effin' Lunch Hour Yahtzee Working Group Record. Umm...and I still get to eat bread. And I fit two months worth of cussin' in one week.

And It's Only Tuesday

This has been the crappiest week in recent history. Bad things have included: abuse, addiction, hate, and blame. Here are some good things. I was expressing how upset I am with not getting along with a coworker and my options. I was advised to pray for the person. Good idea. I will be going out for nachos with some rad dudes later this week. And I have class this weekend. (Just joking, that's another bad thing. Tricked ya).

It was the 7th annual airband party this weekend. Highlights included: airbanding, friends, bird costume (and the bird dance), manipulating friends to sing happy birthday to the party, and gathering in a circle to Leonard Cohen's "Closing Time". I am one lucky gal to have such good people in my life.

Homework time.

Blah Blah Blah

No blogging for months = I think I have finally grown tired of my own voice. I had a weird summer. On a whim I decided to get tested for allergies and to do that I had to start eating gluten again. The testing went as expected and I'm still on the death diet. It's better than it could be.
I started my masters. It's better than it could be. Updates completed. Now time for a rant.
A few months ago I was at a conference about food. I went to one session where the presenter mentioned how he and a neighbour decided to garden on an empty lot on their block - in the innercity. I was excited because I hoped to garden with people in the innercity this summer - but didn't have the time or energy to start something. I went to talk to him after the session. So did this guy. So the guy talks about how he lives in a co-op in the innercity and is interested in gardening. Great - I found a new friend for my house. I explained to the speaker how I work in the innercity and am interested in getting some folks plugged into a gardening project this summer. Once we were all done talking and gave the speaker our email addresses, I tried to talk to the guy. But he refused to look in my direction. I waited for him the hall. He refused to walk with me. I was annoyed. I'm pretty sure he was at church on Sunday. I'm pretty sure we'll never be friends.

I'm Elvis Presley in the Seventies

Spring time is here! I need it so bad. We've already been out in the yard digging around, replanting some found perenials, and raking up leaves. I am so excited to have a yard. I am now on the lookout for a patio set. I think deciding on patio furniture has created the most friction in the house so far. I think that is a sign that things are going really really well.
I took a week off work just before Easter to paint my kitchen cupboards. It was a hellish vacation. Okay, it wasn't that bad. But seriously, who takes off a week of work to complete a project that they really hate doing? I need to learn to take fun vacations. I have not put the doors back on yet. Hopefully I will finish that tonight and tomorrow. I also painted the kitchen ceiling. The room looks so much brighter. It feels good to have improved my feelings toward the kitchen. It is a super important room that can make or break my health. I don't hate any of it anymore! I am still planning on painting the trim throughout the apartment and repaint the walls in the kitchen. But that is going to wait for a little longer. I think I should finish unpacking and organizing first!
I am becoming an increasingly boring person. Sorry super fans. So sorry.

I've Said Too Much (I Haven't Said Enough)

(Please note that this post is loose in its use of the word "faith". At times "faith" is used to describe the Christian faith, or faith as a spiritual gifting, at other times the term is used for faith in Jesus, or faith in "God". If my loosey-goosey writing troubles you, then I recommend that you find something better to read).

I just finished reading "Blankets" by Craig Thompson. If you have not read it, you should probably think of doing so. It is beautiful. And it also caused me to once again question: how do people fall out of faith? 

I am very thankful that I have been gifted with faith. Faith has never been something that I have had wrestle with. It is because of my naturally acquired faith that I just cannot understand how one is able to fall out of faith. I fully understand having a distaste for Christianity. It has a pretty terrible history and its current situation isn't any better. I understand disliking fundamentalism. The heaven/hell conversation is tiring at best. Fear of the human body and sexuality? Come on. And if it is only the people that hold the exact same understanding of Jesus as Savior that I have, then there will be, at most, two dozen people in Paradise. Baugh. I can easily see why one could lose faith in the way Christianity is playing out and its players. What I don't understand is why those things have such a hold over FAITH. How those things can cause a loss of faith in Jesus. Seriously, losing faith in Jesus means once having faith in Jesus. I mean, come on, the dude turned water into WINE. WATER into WINE! The guy knew how to party. And how to treat people with dignity and respect and love. Jesus would have paid attention to ME. Not despite my gender but because I am a valuable part of Creation. Jesus. Sigh. Best boyfriend ever.

Okay, fine, I am probably just a simpleton. And I should probably just be thankful that I find faith to be so easy. The thing is, I do not understand why it is so hard for some people. I wish I could make it easier so people could just be with Jesus. For the kingdom of God is within us. I really wish I could make it easier...

My Self Esteem Means More To Me Than You Do

Ah...young love. I don't have it, but a friend does. I do not like boy drama, but he made it sound good. I'm thinking of creeping random boys on this information super highway. Then I will fall in love with one of those poor suckers and be part of the "in love" club. I will be so cool then. Too cool for school? I hope not. I am starting my masters in September(!). My coworker also got in (!).  She went to an info session on the program, and there was a boy there that may or may not be gay that she thinks we should befriend (or I should marry). We'll see. We will see.