Pink Unicorn Rainbow

Merry Merry

2010-12-25T21:32:00.002-07:00

Almost done a Bored to Death marathon. By myself. At my parent's house. At Christmas. Sigh. Lonely.

Wink Wink

2010-11-21T23:17:00.003-07:00

I was at the gas station today and went to the till and I thought the cashier winked at me. It was weird, but maybe he had something in his eye. He was nice and smiley and I "tried" to give him grace and not give him the stink-eye. I'm constantly trying to practice being nicer to men. He's Indian, and he told me that my nose ring is "Indian Style". He continued to smile at me throughout the transaction and then on my way out he winked at me again. I can't remember the last time someone earnestly winked at me. It was weird. I'm not sure what it is about me that attracts such strange people. Pheromones?

Meathead

2010-11-03T21:35:00.001-06:00

Hey, I randomly found a blog about someone learning to eat meat. How very interesting. (Too much?)

Inuitive Philosophy of Quantum BS

2010-10-26T15:07:00.010-06:00

First, the extra boring stuff. I have established a friendship based on awkwardness with the fellow from the previous posts. He does not want me as his lady wingman – he apparently does not need such a person in his life because he is so good with the ladies. Yes, my eyes are rolling. This idea may not have been my best idea, but I’m sure it wasn't my worst.

Now, for the less boring stuff… I met my life goal of seeing Belle and Sebastian! I had a lovely trip last week. I flew to Portland on Sunday. I was a little gravol-ed and Sunday was pretty much a write off. I met Justina at the market where we looked at crafty-touristy things. I hauled my pretty pink suitcase around for what felt like a year. We checked into our room for the night and did some exploring of the city. I bought an eye-opening graphic novel about Malcolm X. Monday morning we got up bright and early and dropped off our bags at the Ace. Hipster overload. It was a great place with a really comfortable bed. We did a walking tour and later met Becky at the train station. More exploring and tasty food.
TUESDAY I SAW B&S! They were great. Life goal completed. Wednesday Becky and I took separate trains to Seattle, and Justina flew home later in the day. Seattle was…fine. I liked the hostel I was staying in. Went to the Seattle Art Museum. Ate a waffle. I saw B&S again, and Cat Power. Wow. She sure is a talented musician. Too bad about her anxiety. Eeeaaaarrrrrllly Friday morning I got up and went to the Amtrak station. Despite being there two days earlier I got lost. But I made it in time and enjoyed the ride to Vancouver. Bummed around Vancouver for the day then jumped on the train home.
Now time for reflections… I like the train, but I do not like sleeping in coach. Next time, I hope to get a sleeper. I like meeting homeless people in cities unknown to me. There were tons of people asking for money in Portland. It wasn’t until I was in Seattle that I realized that they were all white. Hmmm… In Seattle I was in my best business casual skirt (but still appropriate for a pop concert) when a busker tried to warm me up by telling me he liked my glasses, I was dressed well, and I looked like Katie Couric. Maybe all white women look kind of alike but even so I do not look like Katie Couric. Not even a little. I was talking to some street folks in Vancouver about a tent city that’s popping up in Feb 2011. One guy was quite the story teller. My favourite line was how he was once so cold he “froze his kidney”. No kidding. On the train a guy in his 50s? 60s? sat with me for awhile and told me a story about how he’s a writer and he’s working on a new piece about (pause for 50 seconds) “intuitive philosophy of quantum time”. Pretty sure he was shitting me. Overall it was a good trip. It was soooo good to be away from regular life. And soooo good to be back.

Jack Donaghy

2010-10-02T16:50:00.003-06:00

Just a quick follow up. After more discussion with my lady friends about my efforts at friendship/wingman status, I was brought back to reality. I was encouraged to take a walk down memory lane of all the straight, single men that have been my friends. Then I was encouraged to ask: where are they now? How did that end? Right-o. I'm still hoping that I found my Jack Donaghy, but maybe Jack Donaghys don't exist in real life. I still have a little hope and have fantasized about our friendship of solving mysteries together, learning how to make the perfect Belgium waffle and terribly awkward conversations about pretty much everything. Sigh...

Whoops

2010-09-29T17:31:00.004-06:00

I made yet another risky social decision today. There is a new guy at work who I wasn't too sure of at first. After a few interactions I warmed up to him and decided that I should probably acquire him as a buddy. I was thinking of things that he would do with his buddies and I came up with: picking up chicks. I thought, hey, I could be his lady wingman. We could bond as I help him meet girls. Our friendship would be clear from the beginning. Just friends. I thought it was so clear. After polling a couple people it became clear that I may have been heavily flirting. Whoops. I have some explaining to do...

:(

2010-08-22T11:18:00.005-06:00

Grandpa passed on Thursday afternoon in the company of his youngest daughter. I felt numb and was able to keep it together until I entered the hospital room with his still body. I lasted about seven seconds before I had to leave. I'm not going to have the pleasure of my grandpa's company on this earth again. I'll miss sharing birthday parties with him. I'll miss looking at his beautiful wavy silver hair. I'll miss his ginger carrots. I'll miss him a lot. I'm so thankful for the thirty years that I enjoyed with him. I'm so thankful and so sad. I also feel like a weight has been lifted. He was sick and uncomfortable and it was exhausting watching him suffer and wait.
This was my most intimate encounter with dying. When I saw him after all life had left I realized how I have been simplifying life into living and not living. His body died, but what changed from the last few days of struggling breaths to the moment that breath stopped? Did the last heart beat free his spirit? Did the last breath change anything for his spirit? I saw him passing for weeks. For months. Once again I'm surprised my simplistic thinking. I blame it on my early years as a fundamentalist. Creator, continue to care for my grandpa. Help him choose life and love. Continue to heal him from all of life's scars. Help him choose love. Help me choose love.

Choose Your Own Adventure

2010-07-29T09:43:00.006-06:00

I am not one to have a lot of goals. Call me lazy if you must. I have a few dreams. I’d like to be a farmer. I’d like to have nice hair again. The one goal that I’ve had for the last five? six? years has been to see Belle and Sebastian. They haven’t toured North America for years. Last week I decided to take the plunge and buy a ticket for a show in Portland in October. I’m excited. I have been preparing for this show since “Dear Catastrophe Waitress” came out in 2004. I went through a few years of getting dressed in the morning thinking: how would I want to present myself if I was going to a Belle and Sebastian concert today? I’m excited. I have about three months to plan the perfect cardigan-knee sock combination. My tentative plan is to fly to Vancouver where I will meet Becky. She's planning on visiting a friend for a few days. Then we’ll bus/train down to Portland for a couple days of exploring together. She’ll find her way back to Edmonton while I stick around for a bit – maybe go to a show in Seattle. Then I’ll take the train the rest of the way home. I’m excited. I think this adventure will be a good balance of alone and not alone. Train! Bus! Plane! Exploring a new city! Maybe I'll take up knitting again. Maybe I'll read a book or two. With pictures. I'm excited.

Losing, Loser, Lost

2010-07-15T10:29:00.003-06:00

So I've recognized a pattern in my life, and I've decided that it's best if I make it public. Every time a good friend gets married I have a serious sense of loss and become very very sad. This weekend I lost not only one, but two friends to marriage. So, dear friends, if you find a love and decide to leave me for him/her, do not be alarmed if I start to be very mean to you, drink too much, or cry incessantly. It's just my way. My very dysfunctional way.

This One's For the Ladies

2010-07-12T12:08:00.009-06:00

Lately I haven't been feeling sufficiently self-indulgent to blog. But I've been saving up little bits of self-indulgence here and there until now. And now, ladies and gentleman, for your reading pleasure, here are some updates on my very mundane life...
My grandpa is really sick. It makes my heart hurt. He's living in a care facility and has put his house up for sale. I'm hoping to dig up as many of his perennials as possible. I miss him already.
I had to yet again drastically change my diet. This time it's for the bacterial overgrowth. No carbs, sugar, fruit, soy, beans, etc. Not a good prognosis for a vegetarian. So now I'm a vegetarian in heart and a stinky fish eater in body. My body is doing weird things. One of those things is that I can't really process alcohol. I had some friends over from work and I had to leave the celebration early because it set off my vertigo. I was sick for a couple weeks. I turned 30! During the party while sitting around the fire, I exclaimed "I'm thirty!" While shouting, I kicked my leg, causing my shoe to fly off my foot, hitting my glasses, knocking them off my face into my lap. WTF is right. It was pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to me. Shortly after, I got a case of the dizzies and had to leave yet another party early. I cried myself to sleep. (Ha!) (I have since started getting Bowen treatments again. Last time I was there, she did a move that took away my tinnitus, and I haven't been nauseous since!)
I finished the first year of my masters program! No more school until September!
J&A got married! I was pretty spazzy with most of the best lady duties. I'm not handling my own life very well these days, and I had a hard time throwing parties and not being a total buzz kill. I tried hard. I borrowed my mom's mini van and decorated it with a disco ball and streamers and insisted that it be called the party wagon (about an hour ago, I ran into a fence and dented the side of the van. Party wagon has been partied out). The day ended up being lovely. Highlights for me included:
* locking my keys in the van right before we were to leave to pick up the bridal party to get our hair done
* spending 70 bones to get said hair done
* hearing that my lovely housemate called AMA and got the keys out of the van while I was still at the salon (who hearts community living? I heart community living!)
* making it official
* spending the day with people who are easy to be around
* a boy who thinks I'm a drag made efforts to talk to me because I was cleaner than normal, and had $70 hair (WTF is right)
* the d.a.n.c.e.
* J's enthusiastic dancing cousin
* my ladies and I did an airband to the Darkness - "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" and we were really really good
* dancing around a boy from Washington, D.C. to the Magnetic Field's "Washington, D.C."
* convincing everyone to join me in closing the dance to Leonard Cohen's "Closing Time"
* awkward conversation with one of A's friends when he told me that the Al Green in the playlist made up for my previous song mistakes. I told him he was being passive aggressive. The conversation continued for another couple of minutes. It probably should't have.

* no more wedding!
I got a dancing hangover from Saturday. I was so wired I haven't really been able to sleep the last couple days. Perhaps the lord will bless me with sleep tonight. Perhaps.

give up

2010-05-19T13:56:00.001-06:00

One community garden, two deaths and one severe beating. And it's only Wednesday.

Ticket to Ride

2010-04-08T19:34:00.003-06:00

Likes: wine, doing homework while watching friends play board games
Dislikes: everything else

Cage Fight for Peace

2010-03-30T11:25:00.003-06:00

Last night I had a dream that I was fighting with a coworker. I think the dream got me ready to yell at him this morning for an action that I thought was totally unsafe and out of bounds for his role. We talked about it later in the day. I still think that I am right and he is wrong. I have been thinking a lot about the different skill level of workers in my industry. In response, I decided to marry my school and work life and write a proposal for a peer-supervision group. I need accountability in my professional life, and I need to feel like I am working with professionals. I want to be able to continue working where I'm working, but things need to change.

ps. my grandpa is sick. it breaks my h.e.a.r.t.

Creepy

2010-03-12T13:58:00.003-07:00

I get so pleased when I am reminded that I'm in the right line of work. This afternoon I was reunited with one of the creepiest women I have ever met. We talked while I was supervising one of my faves making music on a keyboard and howling. Creepy music, creepy crazy lady, and a mouth that hurts from smiling.

Listen Up!

2010-02-22T20:42:00.001-07:00

I just saw a Crayola commercial and I'm pretty sure they were using the Unicorns song "I Was Born a Unicorn". Whaaa?

Is That A Worm In Your Intestine or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

2010-02-19T17:44:00.003-07:00

Today I went to the thrift shoppe and spent a whopping $14 on books. My new favorite book is Jurassic Park and I decided that I like Michael Crichton even though JP is the only book of his that I have read. So now I have eight more to read (I really hope they're all about dinosaurs. I really like dinos). Maybe I'll read them when I'm on the beach. In Maui. In April. Woot woot is right. Before then I have to start a few assignments and finish a course and get rid of worms and a bacterial overgrowth. Ha.

Not So Crazy After All

2010-02-16T18:29:00.004-07:00

Guess what? I just found out that I have hookworm chomping on my intestines. How awesome is that? I am hoping that when I get that cleared up digesting and living in general will be a little bit easier. The funny thing is that hookworm is also being used to treat things like hay fever, asthma, crohns and celiacs. I have some fear that I kill the parasite and then everything goes to shit. We'll have to wait and see. It's a little depressing when the discovery of a parasite is guaranteed to be the best thing that happens all month. I need somethings to change - and soon.

Three In One

2010-02-08T20:19:00.005-07:00

I am working on putting together a party for work this Thursday. It is going to incorporate Groundhog Day, Valentine's Day, Chinese New Year, and Yahtzee. I'm not sure how to represent all of these interests. The Yahtzee is a no-brainer. I think I'll make heart gf sugar cookies and hang up a paper lantern. I may also wear a mustache and respond indignantly when someone challenges me on how it is representative of groundhogs. Any other ideas?

The Good Old Days

2010-01-29T07:50:00.003-07:00

I don't get as many terrible interactions at work like I once did. I was reminiscing about this one. Ha!

And...

2010-01-28T13:52:00.004-07:00

I have been a grouch-bot this week and I think it's time to think of things that don't suck. I just heard one of the best giggles from one of the best people (who also happened to punch me in the head once). And I finally got a chance to play with the Lunch Hour Yahtzee Working Group. I didn't win, but I did get a Yahtzee. And I get to go to an engagement party tonight. And I get to buy a dress and be the best lady at their wedding this summer. And I have an assignment due tomorrow. And I'm sitting at work neither working nor writing my paper. And I'm wearing more pink than should be legal.

Argh

2010-01-24T18:01:00.006-07:00

Over the Christmas holidays, everybody's favorite client passed away beautifully in his sleep in the company of family. I will miss him, but it was so comforting to know that it wasn't a violent death and he wasn't by himself. What impacted me most was how I am so privileged to be able to grieve in the privacy of my home. I was impacted by this guy's life, but he wasn't my friend. He wasn't my cousin or my brother. I was sad to lose him, but even sadder that life is terribly unfair. People don't have a safe place to brush their teeth, to be intimate with a partner, or to mourn for a good friend. I cried more with this realization that I did for the loss of a beautiful life. I am embarrassed that it took until now to form these thoughts. What.the.hell.?

I Am Single-Handedly Ruining the Internet

2009-12-25T22:19:00.004-07:00

Hey! I started a new blog. It's about dancing! I need a hobby! That doesn't involve my computer!

Oh Boy

2009-12-20T16:54:00.012-07:00

Dear Diary,

Wow. What a crazy week. Two of my top three most memorable evenings have occurred in the last eight days. Last weekend, I had the pleasure of spending some time with a few acquaintances. It was a good reminder of many things. I am so thankful for the people that I have in my life. I am continuously surrounded by folks who are nice and respectful and don't mimic dirty deeds at the dinner table. Uh huh. Last night I broke my favorite of all rules: being in bed before midnight. I got home at 3am with french fries and a muffin from mcdonald's and a belly full of wine. Uh huh. Before 3am came around, I watched a coworker strip down to his gonch. I met a guy who is a vegetarian and used to be a preacher and is still totally inappropriate to date. I also spent about half an hour trying to convince my friend that it would be a bad idea to make out with a coworker. I will spare you the boring details of both nights, but I really really like being boring. I am going to work on being a little more boring from now on. I also have some stories about my new nd, but I will keep the body talkk on the body blog.

Lemon and Cayenne and Maple, Oh My!

2009-12-04T19:11:00.008-07:00

I am still "working" on getting a diagnosis of some sort for my allergies/sensitivities. "Working" may not be the right word as it implies some sort of action. I am actively waiting to meet with a new naturopath (only 10 more days until my appointment). When I'm not busy waiting, I keep myself busy with consuming copious amounts of gluten (bread, beer, and muffins). It has been such a good time. I have heard that some people with problems with gluten lose weight - I don't. I feel like a whale. Be-luuuu-ga. My belly hurts and some of my pants don't fit very well. So...today I decided that as soon as I find out just what's going on in my body I am going to go on (drum roll...) the Master Cleanse. I really really love things that cleanse my insides. My favorite part of the description of the cleanse is when it describes the Salt Water Flush (disgusting). I have senna tea left over from the time that I did the Colonix Colon Cleanse (which was a total let down) so I won't be braving the flush. TMI? Too bad for you.

Poor Choice

2009-12-03T17:05:00.003-07:00

I sometimes tell jokes that aren't funny. Such as v---------. I deleted that post. (Good choice).

And It's Only...

2009-11-08T21:10:00.002-07:00

Turns out that by Tuesday, the crappiness of the week had only begun. The shit show continued until Saturday when the representative of the regulatory body that I will one day be mandated to affiliate with was not very nice. Instead of getting into the crappy details, I will instead focus on the good. I ate nachos. I won Yahtzee. I broke the effin' Lunch Hour Yahtzee Working Group Record. Umm...and I still get to eat bread. And I fit two months worth of cussin' in one week.

And It's Only Tuesday

2009-11-03T18:07:00.002-07:00

This has been the crappiest week in recent history. Bad things have included: abuse, addiction, hate, and blame. Here are some good things. I was expressing how upset I am with not getting along with a coworker and my options. I was advised to pray for the person. Good idea. I will be going out for nachos with some rad dudes later this week. And I have class this weekend. (Just joking, that's another bad thing. Tricked ya).

It was the 7th annual airband party this weekend. Highlights included: airbanding, friends, bird costume (and the bird dance), manipulating friends to sing happy birthday to the party, and gathering in a circle to Leonard Cohen's "Closing Time". I am one lucky gal to have such good people in my life.

Homework time.

Blah Blah Blah

2009-10-06T13:17:00.004-06:00

No blogging for months = I think I have finally grown tired of my own voice. I had a weird summer. On a whim I decided to get tested for allergies and to do that I had to start eating gluten again. The testing went as expected and I'm still on the death diet. It's better than it could be.
I started my masters. It's better than it could be. Updates completed. Now time for a rant.
A few months ago I was at a conference about food. I went to one session where the presenter mentioned how he and a neighbour decided to garden on an empty lot on their block - in the innercity. I was excited because I hoped to garden with people in the innercity this summer - but didn't have the time or energy to start something. I went to talk to him after the session. So did this guy. So the guy talks about how he lives in a co-op in the innercity and is interested in gardening. Great - I found a new friend for my house. I explained to the speaker how I work in the innercity and am interested in getting some folks plugged into a gardening project this summer. Once we were all done talking and gave the speaker our email addresses, I tried to talk to the guy. But he refused to look in my direction. I waited for him the hall. He refused to walk with me. I was annoyed. I'm pretty sure he was at church on Sunday. I'm pretty sure we'll never be friends.

I'm Elvis Presley in the Seventies

2009-04-21T12:39:00.002-06:00

Spring time is here! I need it so bad. We've already been out in the yard digging around, replanting some found perenials, and raking up leaves. I am so excited to have a yard. I am now on the lookout for a patio set. I think deciding on patio furniture has created the most friction in the house so far. I think that is a sign that things are going really really well.
I took a week off work just before Easter to paint my kitchen cupboards. It was a hellish vacation. Okay, it wasn't that bad. But seriously, who takes off a week of work to complete a project that they really hate doing? I need to learn to take fun vacations. I have not put the doors back on yet. Hopefully I will finish that tonight and tomorrow. I also painted the kitchen ceiling. The room looks so much brighter. It feels good to have improved my feelings toward the kitchen. It is a super important room that can make or break my health. I don't hate any of it anymore! I am still planning on painting the trim throughout the apartment and repaint the walls in the kitchen. But that is going to wait for a little longer. I think I should finish unpacking and organizing first!
I am becoming an increasingly boring person. Sorry super fans. So sorry.

I've Said Too Much (I Haven't Said Enough)

2009-03-27T23:03:00.005-06:00

(Please note that this post is loose in its use of the word "faith". At times "faith" is used to describe the Christian faith, or faith as a spiritual gifting, at other times the term is used for faith in Jesus, or faith in "God". If my loosey-goosey writing troubles you, then I recommend that you find something better to read).

I just finished reading "Blankets" by Craig Thompson. If you have not read it, you should probably think of doing so. It is beautiful. And it also caused me to once again question: how do people fall out of faith?

I am very thankful that I have been gifted with faith. Faith has never been something that I have had wrestle with. It is because of my naturally acquired faith that I just cannot understand how one is able to fall out of faith. I fully understand having a distaste for Christianity. It has a pretty terrible history and its current situation isn't any better. I understand disliking fundamentalism. The heaven/hell conversation is tiring at best. Fear of the human body and sexuality? Come on. And if it is only the people that hold the exact same understanding of Jesus as Savior that I have, then there will be, at most, two dozen people in Paradise. Baugh. I can easily see why one could lose faith in the way Christianity is playing out and its players. What I don't understand is why those things have such a hold over FAITH. How those things can cause a loss of faith in Jesus. Seriously, losing faith in Jesus means once having faith in Jesus. I mean, come on, the dude turned water into WINE. WATER into WINE! The guy knew how to party. And how to treat people with dignity and respect and love. Jesus would have paid attention to ME. Not despite my gender but because I am a valuable part of Creation. Jesus. Sigh. Best boyfriend ever.

Okay, fine, I am probably just a simpleton. And I should probably just be thankful that I find faith to be so easy. The thing is, I do not understand why it is so hard for some people. I wish I could make it easier so people could just be with Jesus. For the kingdom of God is within us. I really wish I could make it easier...

My Self Esteem Means More To Me Than You Do

2009-03-25T08:57:00.004-06:00

Ah...young love. I don't have it, but a friend does. I do not like boy drama, but he made it sound good. I'm thinking of creeping random boys on this information super highway. Then I will fall in love with one of those poor suckers and be part of the "in love" club. I will be so cool then. Too cool for school? I hope not. I am starting my masters in September(!). My coworker also got in (!). She went to an info session on the program, and there was a boy there that may or may not be gay that she thinks we should befriend (or I should marry). We'll see. We will see.

Fu**ed Up

2009-03-13T11:45:00.002-06:00

Some not good things. A guy took a friend's methadone to cure his hangover. He is now dead. One of the most interesting, most likable people I have ever met keeps on cutting himself. He's been to the hospital twice in a week. Third hand news: some people paid a street person $x to drink a bottle. They approached him outside a grocery store in Chinatown. When he handled it well, they gave him another bottle. He woke up in the hospital. Apparently he was hooked up to machines for about 18 hours. Help. us. please.

Robert Downey Jr. Syndrome

2009-02-23T11:09:00.005-07:00

(Note: this post is from last week - I was at a conference at Calgary's U)

I just called my brother. He is filling up his friend's dorm room with balloons, and he just finished filling the sink with jello. I asked if he was on his own. He said no. I said it would be funnier if he was on his own. He said no it would not. And that, dear readers is how I am different from my brother.
I am listening a band that I have a musical crush on. I saw one of the guys in the crowd at a show in the fall. It was just after I left a gala. I was still wearing a gown. I was hoping he didn't notice how nerdy I was wearing a gown in the midst of hipsters. He didn't notice. Sigh.
I think someone just sprayed me with water and it made me sad with myself for not putting much effort into some of my oldest and most treasured friendships. I am a lazy friend sometimes.
I am seriously having a perfect university moment right now. I am sitting in the sun. I am warm. I have good music. I am learning. I am around men who mostly aren't homeless. I miss school. I miss not working.
And now time for a complaint. So there is food at this conference, and there are people that serve the food. I was looking for tea after lunch and the area was quiet and empty. During my search I heard a whistle. I ignored it. Then I heard another whistle. One of the servers walked by me and whistled. I eventually looked up and saw that he was watching me for a reaction. This is annoying on the street and totally inappropriate at one's place of employment. I then heard this phrase escape from my lips: are you fuc*ing kidding me? I was so mad. I really need to stop wearing tube tops. I am so trashy. My top two giftings: the gift of cheerleadership and the gift annoyance.

I'm Gifted in Cheerleadership

2009-02-12T16:05:00.002-07:00

I want to be a farmer. I am super excited about having a yard. We have peonies, and potentillas (I think), rose bushes, and two apple trees. And grass. Lots of grass. We started talking about what we want planted. I would like to have a big vegetable garden and lots of flowers and whatever will make butterflies and birds and animals want to hang out in our yard. I have to keep reminding myself that it takes years for gardens to develop. Eek!
I also have a dream for a community garden near my work. The centre is next door to a big fenced off piece of land. That land has quite a history and I would really like to be part of redeeming it to something good and beautiful. I have not yet had a chance to run the idea by the big boss, until then I can still have hope. I am fully expecting to pitch this idea and then being told that the land is too political and I don't have a hope in hell. Until then...
We are also talking about commissioning a friend of a friend to paint a mural on our garage. I envision it being "The Sower"esque. (Van Gogh's - when the sower is up close and there is a big sun). We will see. I think that fixing our roof will take precedence over spray paint. Function before beauty.
One more house thing. It looks like I am going to be the only person in my place without a pet. The heaven level has a cat. Above ground have birds and geckos and is applying for a dog. The other bottom dweller just got a cat. I am nervous that I will be allergic to the dog. If I am, then I won't be able to visit any of the other suites for more than a couple hours at a time. Whine whine wine.

I've Got a Fever

2009-02-05T19:06:00.004-07:00

I have spring fever. Or is it cabin fever? I have a type of fever caused by an intense enjoyment of the weather leading to an inability to do things like concentrate and stuff. That is what I have.

Today after Yahtzee I went through the stats and pulled out everyone's high scores. It was probably the most productive hour of my day. After work, I was so excited to pick up a package at the post office. My colon cleansing kit finally came in! When I went to pick it up, I needed photo ID with my current address. I was really annoyed because I haven't changed my address on my driver's license. I had to go home and find a bill. I mean, seriously, if I intended on finding someone with my name and then steal their package notification, would I not just go into their mailbox and also steal that for proof? Blah. Identification is a big deal. Apparently Canada Post now requires government issued photo identification with a current address. What if you don't have an address? What if you don't have the means to get government issued ID?

I spend so much time at work with people who are forever losing/getting their ID stolen. Canada Post, I see where you are coming from, but you are making life very difficult for many people.

Office Politics

2009-01-30T14:50:00.005-07:00

I have been a grade "A" grouch-bot lately. I just do not understand what people are thinking. Now...think of three good things. The weather is nice. I am going to play Yahtzee tonight. I bought of pair of almost new jeans for $7. I also just got a scholarship for a conference in a few weeks. Yip! yip! for learning! My application for school is also in. I have no idea when I will know if I've been accepted. Although it would be 4 years of working and school on the weekends, I am hoping to get in. I just need some things to change in my life. I really like my line of work, but I want new opportunities and challenges. Maybe I just want the summer. I am tired AND boring. I went to a show last night. Bad idea. I like sleep. Oh yes, and my library-related celebrity crush was, well, crushed last night. My friend also has a crush on this boy, and they chatted it up, and he got the boy's name which just ruins the whole celebrity thing. Baugh.

Five Aces Make A.....

2009-01-22T13:43:00.004-07:00

I won today's lunch Yahtzee. My score was 308. Not too bad. I have been having a pretty bad run with the Yahtzee. Perhaps the times, they are a changin'(?).
I started getting nauseous again this week. It stinks. My ear feels effed up.
We have our house warming party this Saturday. I am planning on dancing so hard. What else... Jess got her stove yesterday. As soon as the gas gets hooked up I can make myself a stirfry. And I have a Bollywood Dance workout video on hold at the library. And Bon Iver has a new ep out. Yahtzee!

Follow Me?

2009-01-19T18:25:00.003-07:00

I made a few changes to this ol' blog. Mostly because I want followers. So...please become a follower. Please. I am so lonely. So very lonely.

Don't Stop Me Now

2009-01-16T19:25:00.003-07:00

I am almost settled into my place (finally). I have a few boxes to unpack and need to make/find some more art and touch up a little more paint. But I am almost settled and it feels good. I painted everything. I chose a pretty wimpy colour scheme. My bathroom and kitchen are the whitest white, the living room is a light icy blue, and my bedroom is a pale lavender. Girly girly. It makes me pretty happy. I finally bought a stove that I can pick up the first weekend of Feb. I am really looking forward to that luxury.

I am really happy in this moment. I am listening to Queen, drinking a delightful cocktail and waiting for my favorite married pregnant ladies. I told my mom that another one of my girls was knocked up. My mom responded if I was pining for a partner. I don't do pining. I really don't. I am happy at least for a moment.

I Hate Green Beans

2009-01-07T12:29:00.003-07:00

I really do. I hate them always. I think they are the grossest of vegetables. Okay, I know vegetarians (especially vegetarians with allergies) are supposed to like all vegetables. Take what you can get you picky priss (not to be confused with pissy prick). But I hate 'em. Except in Amy's lentil soup in the green can. I have no complaints with the green bean in Amy's green can lentil soup.
Now...time for a quick update on the last post. The guy who got his head kicked is doing okay. AND my family who got in trouble is still in trouble, but is looking to make some serious life changes. Both results seem like miracles. Actually, the green beans in the green can seem like a miracle as well. Three miracles in just over a week. Now that is pretty awesome.
And now one quick secret... I am applying for school (again). I feel ambivalent about getting in. I really don't have any preference of being accepted over being rejected. The program is only offered every other year, so I decided to give it a shot for this year. The classes are on the weekend, so I can still work full time. But it is a four year program and I don't do so well with commitments. We'll see... We will see...

This Sh** Is Bananas

2008-12-29T12:57:00.004-07:00

I recently heard a friend lament about how he would like a vacation from life. Amen. A guy got his head bashed in today at work. I am trying to schedule a personal visit to the Remand centre to see a family member. I may have cable, but I may also have bed bugs. I need a break from life. More and more it seems apparent that my line of work chose me so that I can better deal with my personal life. Fun. So very much fun. I need a break. Amen? Amen.

Ring-A-Ling!

2008-12-25T19:56:00.002-07:00

Hi there. It is Christmas. I moved into my new house at the beginning of the month. Our furnace broke down not once, but twice. We got fumigated for bed bugs twice. My stove doesn't work. Some pipes are frozen due to poor insulation. My vitamin D is low and I think I might have SAD. My toes got a little frost bite. I could go on and on. But instead I will just say that my dream to be left alone while in community has finally been realized. I am a home owner. I have my own kitchen (with no stove...). I have my own kitchen.

Back to Christmas. My mom got a Wii. She really likes fake bowling. I really like to watch her fake bowl. I got a letter from my aunt. The gist of the letter was that she is good friends with one of the dudes that I wrote a fan letter to. I think he showed her the card and she said "hey, that's my niece". Weird. I'm not so sure how I feel about one more person more fully realizing that my social skills are not always up to par. I wrote someone a fan letter. I warm hearts. I wish someone would warm my feet. I wish I were a little bit taller/wish I were a baller/wish I had a...

Hello, Cupcake!

2008-11-20T20:26:00.003-07:00

About 3 hours ago I was thinking that I may never blog again. I usually write when I am terribly sad or terribly happy or excited or bored or when I think that maybe the world needs a little more of me. Lately I have been feeling...well, nothing. I am more tired than anything. We got the house and we get possession in eight days. I am excited. But not that excited. And not that happy. The winter is a fun fun time in my life.

But I went for a walk to the library this evening. I checked the holds section even though I was pretty sure that I didn't have any materials waiting for me. Was I ever wrong. I have been waiting for about 2 months for a particularly delightful book with pretty pictures. Today was the day. Without warning, "Hello, Cupcake!" was sitting on the shelf waiting for me. For me! I jumped up and down. I can still hardly believe it. I feel like for at least a night a cloud has been lifted and I am free. Free to dream of sugary (gluten free) snacks. Free to dream about making people jealous with my soon to be acquired mad cupcake decorating skills. Free. Hello, Cupcake. Nice to meet you.

Happy Thoughts

2008-10-24T10:18:00.002-06:00

I am planning an airband party for Halloween. I am really excited. I love love airbands. I love dancing. I love dressing up. I love it.

Friday, October 31
At Circles: 9954-111 Avenue
Doors at 10:00 pm
Cover $5

I need more airband in my life. You do too.

Scaredy Cat

2008-10-23T10:45:00.004-06:00

Someone tried following me home not once, but twice this week. I am not afraid of many things. I am afraid of going into space. Space travel is unnatural and I feel like I am going to puke when I think of it. I am afraid of someone accidentally feeding me gluten - or sneakily feeding me meat. Gluten hurts me for weeks and meat makes me cry. I am not usually afraid of people. I felt quite afraid this week. I am not accustomed to the feeling and I don't like it. I like to walk. I like to walk to work. I like to walk at night. I like my independence and I refuse to let myself live the life that many tell me is my destiny. You know, be afraid. Find a man for protection. Learn how to make a roast. I am not going to use my gender or age as an excuse to not live the life that I deserve. I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to live life to the full. But I also don't want to be...stupid...careless. How do I know if I the choices I make are motivated by discernment or fear? I decided to drive to work for the next week. Fear or discernment? ?? ???

(This isn't overly related to the post, but it brought me comfort and peace.)
"O Lord, open my eyes that I may see the needs of others; open my ears that I may hear their cries; open my heart so that they need not be without succor; let me not be afraid to defend the weak because of the anger of the strong, nor afraid to defend the poor because of the anger of the rich ... And so open my eyes and my ears that I may this coming day be able to do some work of peace for thee. "- Alan Paton

I Cried

2008-10-03T21:30:00.005-06:00

I was at a conference today with work. And I cried many times - once during a pop song. (A lame-ass move, I know). I do not encourage music to be played during lectures. This bias was strongly reinforced last year when I heard Brennan Manning speak at the Micah Challenge conference. He had a boom box and he played songs during his talks. Cheesy Christian songs. I found it terribly awkward. Terribly.

Today I was at the Schizophrenia Conference and it was great, but the day was hard to get through. A number of the speakers talked about addiction and mental illness. I am having a very emotive response to addictions right now due to some family stuff. It's nothing new, but we are in the midst of a flare up. It's in my face. It fills my thoughts. It fills my heart. (Only love can break my heart). I was feeling vulnerable and then the speaker played the song "How to Save a Life". I don't let myself like things that suck. I don't like the song. It sucks. But it made me cry. I didn't want to cry. I mean, seriously, I was on the clock and it's one of those songs that is supposed to make you cry. I don't want to turn into one of those people. You know, one of those people who rents a romantic movie every Friday night and cries when whatever happens in romantic movies that makes people cry. (I want to remain one of those people who stays at home on a Friday night with a Macbook and a glass of Sangria and cries and cries alone. Yah, that's much better...). It's uncomfortable crying while working. Don't get me wrong, if I could get paid every time I cried I could pay off my student loans a little quicker, and maybe get a new winter jacket... Anyway...I am not nearly as desperate as I probably sound, but I am still sad.

I appreciate the grittiness of life. The risk of pain enriches life - love. I can't even image love without risk. Love would be cheap without it. But when the pain is active, I lighten up a little. Pain sucks. It just sucks. My mind is on a beautiful boy that I have watched grow for 20 years. Little brother, you are loved more than you can even imagine. The Creator has not forgotten you. I have not forgotten you. You will never be forgotten. You are already forgiven. Get well soon. xxooxo angie

Toxic Coccyx

2008-10-02T13:44:00.003-06:00

At my Bowen appointment yesterday, she worked on my kidneys. And my coccyx. Uh-huh. Down there. Apparently the coccyx is flexible and can get pushed under or over or something and can cause much pelvic pain. So she went down there and did a little Bowen move. I can't wait for my next appointment! I can't even wait.
(My apologies to all who were hoping for all body talk to be restricted to my body blog. So very sorry).

Closing Sucks

2008-09-30T10:27:00.002-06:00

That's right, it sucks. The mortgage company got our would-be-house appraised and APPARENTLY the house is worth about $140 000 less than what we were prepared to pay for it. Whaaaa??? Funny thing is, the seller got the house appraised about 100 days ago, and the house is APPARENTLY worth $30 000 more than what we were going to pay. A $170 000 discrepancy between appraisals is kind of a big deal. We have an extension on the closing date so we can get the place appraised again (if we decide to). Fun fun. I know that I am a grown up and that I can handle responsibility, but I really don't know what I'm doing. Ever.

Sad Girl

2008-09-28T16:38:00.006-06:00

I am sad. I have been all week. I am a sad girl listening to the Eels. Okay, so I may have some melancholy tendencies. And I may embrace my emotions more than necessary. I get it. Now that we've gotten that out of the way - I am sad. I originally blamed it on a broken heart due to yet another round of sibling drama. Blah. That set off my sadness, but the sad has decided it likes my body and loves kicking my ass. I went for a walk instead of going to the zoo this morning. During the walk, I came to the conclusion that the sad is likely due to my maybe house. I don't think it's due to the stress of getting everything done on time or getting the mortgage approved or even scrimping together enough money for everything. I think it's because it's a dream that I've had for years. It's a dream that the Creator talked to me about. It's a dream for intentional community and simple living. It's a dream of a continuous dance party. I really believe this is something the Creator wants for my life. Maybe not this house in particular, but living in community again. So of course I'm going to feel like garbage when it's all coming together. All that is not Love wants me to feel bad and put rotten thoughts in my head and make me worried about friendships. Well, I'm still melancholy, and I still let my emotions dictate pretty much everything, but I am going to be a little more critical of my sad. Yes, my heart hurts. Big heffing deal. There is much good. There is dance.

Money Money Money

2008-09-25T19:14:00.003-06:00

Highlights of my day have included NOT getting mugged at the "sketchiest" Mac's store in all of the city. I had some banking drama this week. I have a free account where I can't see any one in person. It's been great so far because it's...free. Last week I tried to transfer a bunch of money so that I could write a fat cheque for our deposit. Our closing date is this Monday! My transfer didn't go through. I called my bank to make sure that it would go through and she assured me that it would. My cheque bounced on Wednesday. Because my bank is all on-line and over the phone I couldn't really get a bank draft. I tried to get a money order from the post office, but they denied me because it was for too much(?). My solution was to call and get my withdrawal limit increased for a couple of hours. Because I only had a couple of hours to get that money out, I decided to do the efficient thing and take my money out of the bank machine at the Mac's. So... I withdrew $5000 in 20 dollar bills and deposited it in the bank. Thank you God for protecting me. It is a miracle that I didn't get rolled.

P-zing!

2008-09-20T10:28:00.005-06:00

What a week. I woke up Wednesday thinking, "Wow. I can't believe it's Friday already". Yup. Awesome. Work was insane. I had too many meetings to think or do my job. Plus, we're trying to buy a house. Plus, I'm bored so I am once again flirting with going back to school. I can't go back to school. I can hardly cover the payments from my last student loans. Egad. Formal education is such an expensive habit. The School of Hard Knocks - pretty economical.

I felt hyped up all day Friday. I had a lot of catching up to do and a life sucking interaction and set up a business account. Fortunately, I had my second Bowen massage. I like it. It is somewhat relaxing and no disgusting oils and a gentle realignment. Sigh. Then I bought gf pizza (olive and pineapple) and watched Laverne and Shirley for the first time (my new favorite show) and then ate Pop Rocks (p-zing!) and Hot Tamales (!) and Turtles (!!). I feel sick today. Ha. I know that eating garbage makes me feel like garbage. Part of the problem is that I really like walking to the store to buy candy, and then eating the candy right outside the store because I just can't wait. I am a sucker for anything that tricks me into feeling 14. Walking with headphones and my hands in my pockets. Knee high socks and mary janes. Plastic earrings. The 14 is not worth the sick. When will I learn.

Tonight I am going to the Sing-a-long edition of Mamma Mia! Hopefully the sciatica won't be acting up (if you know what I mean...).

p-zing,

angie

! ! !

2008-09-15T16:58:00.004-06:00

Hold onto your seats, friends. Do I have news for you! After years of hoping and praying one of my greatest dreams is getting awfully close to reality. We negotiated a deal(!) on the 4-plex (!) and now we're just scrambling for finances and all the closing stuff (!!!). Did you heffing hear me?(!) !

This is kind of a big deal.

It won't be a for-sure thing until the end of the month, but if all goes as planned, I will be moving into my very own apartment in January. I can paint. I can dance. I can write with no pants on. I can make it a no-chemical, no gluten, no-meat zone. Did you heffing hear me? (!)

I have never lived on my own and am very excited to. I am not the best roommate. I am chronically grouchy. I am always in the public space. I am always me. I think I will do well on my own for awhile. Yah!

Creeper

2008-09-14T18:23:00.003-06:00

I tend to walk the fine line between cute and creepy. Last night was a prime example. I thought that it would be a good idea to write "fan letters" to two people that I am fans of. I mean, who wouldn't want a fan letter? I could use a fan letter. So, I bought two cute cards and wrote what I thought were cute and funny things about how I am a fan. I read them to a couple friends who didn't think that it was too bad of an idea. I thought it was my best idea ever until I reached into my purse to pull them out. As I passed them to the objects of my "fandom" I said: here is the nerdiest thing I've done all month. Yup. I don't know if I will EVER be able to make eye contact with either of them again...ever. I woke up a few times throughout the night - each time remembering that I am a dork. Regret, regret. If only I could pull off my stunts with more confidence and without regret. But, no. The regret lingers and lingers. Sigh...

For Better or Worse

2008-09-13T13:14:00.004-06:00

We put an offer on a house! But not the house that I have a crush on. One of my "business partners" asked if I was sad to say good bye to the house that I crushed on. I'm not sad. The house that we put an offer on is sensible. It has a perfect layout (2 one-bedrooms, 1 three-bedroom, and 1 two-bedroom). It has a yard. It has apple trees and peonies. It is in a safer neighborhood. That last one was made me most hesitant. I love the gritty. The house that we put an offer on is marriage material. It wasn't what I was expecting in some ways, but it really suits us. The house that I have a crush on just needs so much work. It is adorable and hilarious and so fun. It is in an exciting neighborhood. But it would need way too much put into it in order for it to work. I am really hoping we can negotiate a deal soon. I am also hoping that my sensibleness in regards to real estate will translate into other areas of my life...

You Smell Like Meat

2008-09-10T21:55:00.006-06:00

I only work one evening a month. We play a movie in the drop in. Things are great. Tonight was my night. Tonight was also the night that someone broke a window in my car and then poured his or her drink all over the interior. Can you say vandalism? I am annoyed. It was meant to piss me off and it does. Was it because I wouldn't let you collect a drug debt in our building? Was it because I wouldn't dance with you? Or because I didn't smile enough? Was it just totally random? It could have been a hell of a lot worse. I am so thankful that if someone felt the need to damage something of mine that it was my car and not my leg. I think the thing that makes me the most annoyed is that this act of vandalism gives people that I love a bad name. Seriously, dude. Not cool.

Woke Up With Brain on My Head

2008-09-05T17:16:00.003-06:00

I am attempting to go more natural with my "beauty" routine. I am slowly learning about the ingredients that go into most cosmetics. I am still reacting to eye make up and I decided it's time to make some more changes. I have also decided to stop colouring my hair. I know that the chemicals in hair colour are not good for me or the earth. Good bye nice hair. Hello my hair. I have only about 3 inches of natural hair colour. Last night I discovered that I have a patch of gray. I know that I have some stray grays, but I did not know that I have a patch. I am quite excited about it. I got my girls to go through my hair last night to see if I have more patches. I don't. I am trying to embrace aging while I am still young. I was hoping that my acne would be gone before I got wrinkles. Maybe it still will. (Fat chance).

I am still thinking about age a lot. I feel like my inner age is 14. I love sneakers, knee socks, cute pop music, and skipping races. My actual age is twice as old as my inner age. I have a young face and a very old creaky body. I get annoyed when older people tell me how lucky I am to be young because when I get old, then my body will start to shut down. Gee whiz. (Hello middle finger, nice to see ya). I hope that when my hair shows that I'm not 23 that I'll be treated like a grown up. But then will my sneakers, knee socks, pop rock, and skipping be deemed inappropriate? Bah. Perhaps I will be mature when I stop obsessing about what other people think about me. There's a goal.

We looked at a building this week. I loved it. It is in a perfect neighborhood on a perfect street. The house is adorable and very strange. It would need a lot of work. Adding bathrooms, updating kitchens, taking out and adding some walls. It's a dream come true. I couldn't sleep that night. I have a crush on a house. I keep on picturing our life together. I really need to start going out more around people. Wanna be my friend?

Mush Up

2008-08-29T14:14:00.005-06:00

1. Would you interrupt a conversation with the pope?
2. I had a dream last night that I was at a reunion of sorts. Family and people from school. My mom was there and we were sleeping outside by a fire. We moved indoors where George W. Bush came to the door polling about the upcoming election. He asked me who I was going to vote for and I kept on telling that I wasn’t able to vote in the election. “Je suis canadienne”. What? “Je…suis…canadienne. I cannot vote because I am not a US citizen”. “But if you were who would you vote for?” “I’m not entirely sure, but probably for the Democratic party”. And then he left.
3. Eep! Opp! Ork!
4. Long weekend.
5. We're finally looking at a property. It looks like a hilarious building. Hilarious.

Car Sick for the Dope Sick

2008-08-13T18:42:00.007-06:00

I was out at camp with work for the first part of this week. It was fun and beautiful and for the first time in my adult life I thought that I could maybe live out of a city. Today I got woken up at seven and told that one of the campers was really sick. By 9, I was in the car accompanying the camp staff and the camper. The day that we went out to camp, I took a gravol because I didn't want to vomit on the bus. I felt groggy and gross all day, but I did not feel nauseous. Today I decided to not take a gravol and just wear the "sea sick bracelets". I felt sick almost immediately but I was doing okay. My plan was to take the camper to her doctor and then walk back to the centre and meet the camp staff to get a ride out of town. Instead, I got sicker and sicker. When we were about 5 blocks from our destination, I had to hop out of the car, run to the garbage can at the bus stop (puking in my hands on the way to the garbage can), with a captive audience of people getting onto the bus. Fortunately I had a hoodie to wipe my hands and my face on. Heidi works close by so I stopped by a begged for a gravol. Then I walked over to the clinic to be with the camper, and I informed the camp staff that I would NOT be getting back in her car and I would stay in the city. I waited with the camper until the middle of her treatment when she got off the bed, walked out of the clinic and laid on the grass. I asked if she was going back into the clinic and she said no. I asked if she was sure that she didn't want any help from the doctor. Nope, she just wanted to lay on the grass. So I went back to work. Yeah, did I mention that all my stuff was at camp because I was intending on going back later that morning? Did I mention that all my keys were in my bag at the camp? Did I mention that I just vomited and then took a gravol? Did I mention that I didn't have my roommate's work number in my cell phone, and that the one person with an extra set of keys to my place is camping in BC? Did I mention that I was dirty and wearing flip flops?

The rest of my day revolved around trying to figure out what to do. I tried to find my roommate at work, but I don't actually know where she works. I had a cell phone and 5 dollars in my pocket. I have been sick traveling before and it's not fun. I hold the belief that the Creator does not inflict illness, but I do think that today may have been carefully orchestrated. Lately it seems that I've lost a degree of compassion for people. Being ill and messy and carrying a plastic bag with a vomit encrusted sweater without a home (at least for the afternoon) was humbling and reminded me how tough life can be. It's time for me to let go of my sadness and embrace what the Creator is free to give. My heart will get broken again, and I will get disappointed, and I will feel exhausted, and the Creator will redeem me and heal me.

I think my sense of being "burnt out" revolves around my desire for my heart to not get broken anymore. The truth is it hurts. My favorite guy started using needles. My childhood best friend loves me but doesn't like me. Buddy Holly is dead. Dinosaurs are extinct. My heart just breaks and breaks. I considered just turning my heart off. Of not caring anymore. What is it that makes me so...breakable? The great prophet Neil Young provides me with much comfort. "But only love can break your heart". I guess it could be worse. Thank you for the gift of life. Thank you for the gift of gravol. Thank you for heart breaking love.

Slightly Less Awkward Together

2008-08-02T22:06:00.006-06:00

My dear friend Heidi is looking for a new car, and is considering a Yaris sedan. I think it would be so cute to see my little hatchback with her little sedan just cuddling. I wonder what the offspring of 2 yaris would be? Yari? Yariss? I recently found myself telling an acquaintence that Heidi and I aren't dating. It just looks like it. Jess and I used to go to the Goodwill just off of Whyte at least a couple times a month (until it closed - boo!). I think one of the boys that worked there thought that we were in love. We were. Just not with each other (but sometimes with the same cardigan).

I have been thinking of my awkwardness more lately. It has become somewhat debilitating. I really don't like making new friends. There are so many awesome people in this world that I don't know and if I just stick to the ones that I do know I am missing out on who knows what. I am taking this week off to screw my head back on. I am taking time to cook and organize and yoga and read and write. There are many things that I need to change in my life. I need to start eating my seeds again. I need to start the castor oil pack. I need to downward facing dog and triangle pose. I need to get lost somewhere. I need to write. I need to pray. I need to relearn how to embrace my "other abled-ness" social skills. I feel it most at church and around churched people. I don't know what my problem is. I am a churched people. Okay, so this is my plan. I am going to go to church tomorrow and I will walk in faith that the Creator will heal me of my awkwardness. And if I still feel remnants of my former awkward self that will be just fine. It will be just fine.

I went to the zoo today and I did 2 cartwheels. I also walked by many for sale signs. We are almost ready to start looking for properties. Hoot!

Modern School Girl

2008-07-28T10:50:00.011-06:00

The months of stressing about my stupid 10 year reunion are now behind me. I am not so good in most social situations, and found myself clinging to the much more popular Heidi. It was nice to see some people and I became relieved with the way my life has turned out. I wanted an education. I got an education. I wanted a career. I have a career. I wanted love and fun and happiness. I have everything that I dreamed of. I spent the day with Heidi and the smartest kid in school. As we caught up with people and told them what we were doing (social work, community health nurse, and engineer) people would often respond with: that fits. That's not a surprise. I now wish that I would have told people that I was an accountant. I wonder if responses would have been the same.
I am self aware. I am aware of what I'm thinking, feeling, how my bowels respond to ____. But I've never been very good at knowing what people think of me. I'm too introverted and shy to ever be popular. I dance too loud and messy to ever be pretty. I have too many opinions to ever be a pleasant party people. I have absolutely no idea what people think of me. So, it was a bit surprising to hear that some of my former classmates were cognizant enough of my existence to actually have expectations for my life.
The fair was fair. The tractor pull was dampened by the rain and the fact that my heart was broken by two boys I love who don't seem to reciprocate the feeling. I was able to catch up with a couple people I hadn't seen in years and I am even going to work towards becoming facebook friends with them. I also got to hang out with my niece. I don't see her often enough and she is getting bigger and more alert. I hope that she ends up looking like me. Then she cannot deny that I am related to her. Ha! I am going to teach her about so many things. About vegetarianism, and how to use a sewing machine, and second hand shopping, and global trading practices, and how the senate was originally created to equalize the provinces, and Jesus. We are going to have a blast. It's strange to think of how my kids (if I have kids) will likely have such different childhoods from their cousins. My children will likely grow up with little money. They will have to pick only one sport to play. They will eat their veggies. I hope that those kids will get along. And that is the end of this post.

Stick Shifts and Tractor Pulls

2008-07-25T10:41:00.005-06:00

I totally need a vacation. I have taken to yelling at clients on a regular basis and I don't even feel bad about it. I think justified anger is almost never justifiable. It's usually a bad sign in my life. I was pissed yesterday because I busted my butt finding accommodation for my hardest to house client. I was successful - but the client didn't follow through with picking up the rent money. Not cool. This morning I managed to track the person down, drive the person to pick up the cheque, go to the bank to cash the cheque, take the money to the accommodation, pay the rent, and put the receipt on file. That is good. What else is good? Yesterday at Yahtzee, two people rolled two Yahtzees each. I know. I rolled zero Yahtzees. I felt a bit hurt by the dice. But my wounds will heal.

I am heading to Vermilion tonight. The fair started yesterday. Tomorrow I will be lunching with some people from high school. And then I will be going to the tractor pull. I cannot stop thinking about how I can't wait for those tractors. I will probably be entertained for about 1o minutes, but the anticipation will stay with me forever.

Hmm...what else? The mortgage people called me yesterday to ask some questions. Here's a quick update on the housing community thing. After looking at a number of options, my crew has decided to not become a co-op, and not be joint tenants, or any of the other options that I've written about. We decided to incorporate as a business. The business will be buying a building, we will help the mortgage by putting in share loans that the business will one day pay us back. We will be renting from the company. We talked to an accountant for feedback, and he thought that the idea was fabulous. Now, when I give the latest update to my folks, I can say: listen, the accountant said it was a fabulous idea. I am totally addicted to real estate websites. I think I will go into withdrawal when we finally buy a place.

Ninja School

2008-07-23T20:25:00.004-06:00

I was exceptionally grouchy today. I ended up sleeping in until 8 and then took my sweet time showering and eating breakfast and then decided to drive when I was supposed to be starting work. As I was pulling up to the building, a guy called me a bitch. I guess he thought that I would have hit him had I taken an extra 20 seconds to turn the corner. Then, the dumpster was moved closer to my parking space. Grr... And there was a jacket on the ground that I was going to run over. I went to pick it up and realized that there was shit on the ground. I was cursing up a storm by this point. The first people that I saw once I was in the building is one of my most difficult clients. I yelled at her. The day continued on in much of the same way. But we decided to have a debrief over drinks. That balanced things out a bit.

On a different note...

I really like Woodpigeon and these pretty words force me to love them:

I went to Ninja School to learn how to murder you with just one little punch

Never Going to Sleep

2008-07-19T01:13:00.002-06:00

I have a bad case of the post-dance adrenaline "what have I done?" pumping through my body. I sure hope that I can fall asleep soon so I can be bright and perky for my 8 am meeting tomorrow.

Door is Officially Closed

2008-07-17T17:25:00.002-06:00

I have decided that my distaste for dating and dudes is much stronger than a fear of always having to sleep in the kitchen. So that door, at least in the blogosphere, is now closed.

And, you may be interested in the fact that I angrily yelled at a deaf woman this week. I was really really angry.

Longest Weekend Ever

2008-07-14T14:58:00.006-06:00

Highlights of the past weekend:
* Friday night right after work. Party #1. Funny, funny, funny. I left the party at 7:30. I witnessed (second hand) what multiple 3 oz martinis can do to a person by 7:30. Yikes.
* Friday later evening. Party #2. Went to a dance club. Dance beats that I could not dance to. Girls dancing on platforms. Girls with wings swinging. Eww.
* Saturday morning. Mom woke me up by calling but didn't leave a message. She and dad once again neglected to give me any warning that they were coming to town. I missed them. They ran into friends at the Art Walk. Mom told my friend that she really hopes I find a partner. Awkward.
* Saturday afternoon. Went to a meeting. The key member was driving back to the province. Meeting rescheduled.

* Saturday early evening. Went to a modern dance performance. I am now going to try to convince all my friends to join me in a collaborative dance troupe.

* Saturday mid-evening. Nachos. I eat them once in a while now and they don't kill me. I had a headache and a nurse gave me a Tylenol. I asked what the 3 meant on the back (I hate coedine) and she said "300 mg" and I said "okay" then put it in my mouth. Then spit it back out when she said "wait! 3?"
* Saturday late evening. Keg party at Andy's.
* Sunday morning. Church was good. I liked it.

* Sunday early evening. The door bell rang. I thought it was a friend. It was someone looking for food. Maybe some soup. After looking through my cupboards, I ended up giving him a banana and a red pepper. It may be time to go shopping.
* Sunday evening. Party #3. I washed my punch bowl. Put frozen juice concentrate in bowl. Small crack formed. I said "it's just a small crack, it's not leaking, it'll be okay". I proceeded to pour litre after litre into the bowl. The bowl broke in two, covering me in juice. I think the floor will be sticky for the next four months.
* Sunday evening continued. Friend came back from lake. Friend went to garage sale. Friend bought me pink converse high tops. Size 7.

Dropped My Keys

2008-07-10T10:48:00.002-06:00

In my younger days, I thought the "oops, I dropped my keys" exaggerated butt-in-the-air was the funniest of all things. I just dropped my keys in the drop in and someone requested that I do it again. It wasn't funny. In fact, I mouthed the words F*** OFF! It's a little bit funny now.

Sh...

2008-07-09T19:22:00.002-06:00

I touched a towel that had shit on it. I was taking some towels out of the washer and I broke my "wear gloves always" rule and grabbed them with my bare hands. As I was pulling them out I noticed a big piece of glass in the washer. Then I realized that the towel I was holding had shit on it. Shit. I am watching "Up in Smoke" for the first time. I am now a woman of the world.

Blood Money

2008-07-08T12:39:00.003-06:00

Augh. One step forward, fifty steps back. I am feeling a bit discouraged right now. Why did we decide that money is adequate compensation for pain? I know someone who bought an RV with their residential school settlement. I know someone who bought hookers and mouthwash with their residential school settlement. I need balance. Sometimes I wish that I didn't love the people that I love. I would then be without love, and I guess that wouldn't make me feel any more balanced. Would life be any easier if I felt drawn to care for middle-class stay at home moms? I wish I could find reprieve from my life for just a little while. I guess that's what dancing and sewing machines are for. I know life isn't about being easy but why does it have to be so much about pain?

Knock Knock

2008-07-06T14:00:00.001-06:00

Looking for a Door

2008-07-05T17:28:00.003-06:00

The almost 30 thing is still in my thoughts. I like my life in general. It is not perfect, but I am generally happy in it. I have really good people in my life. I have an ipod full of awesomeness, I am able to go to the library multiple times a week. Life is quite good. I am single. That is also quite good. I don't deal with boy drama very well and I have enough drama in other areas of my life. Due to my self awareness, and my distaste for unnecessary drama, I am unable to really enter the casual dating scene. I am almost 30 and everyone knows that if you are not married by 30, then you might as well join the group at church for the perpetually single. This means that I now have less than 2 years to find myself a husband or I will be single forever and never get a choice room when visiting my folks. Only couples get a good room. I will have to move a mattress into the kitchen every Christmas for the rest of my life. I want a room with a door. In order to get a door, I first need to get a husband. So it is time.

This is not an easy task for me. I am very particular and somewhat snotty and I don't really like guys. I can and do like guys, but I don't really like guys as a category. As a category, men yell out the windows of their SUVs. They drive SUVs. They.... Because of the dirty few I respond to all with my scowl of death. The scowl of death is not going to help me get a door.

This is all I am looking for. Appropriate age. Not a committed meat eater. Social justice advocate. Likes music. Nice pants. Likes Jesus. Now why is that so hard? Probably because I give every boy I meet the scowl of death. Maybe I should change my goal from getting a door to getting a puppy. Or develop a shopping addiction. I could go shopping with my puppy. It would be so awesome.

ps. Listen to Bon Iver. You will not be disappointed.

Hit and Run

2008-07-01T09:28:00.005-06:00

I am almost 30. Just thought I should get that out in the open. In less than 2 years I will be 30. And that's okay. It will all be okay.

I had a really good birthday weekend. I took off Friday and Monday and today is Canada Day so I was able to really extend the birthday. I had a fun party on Friday. There was a fire and an airband and love. The next day I was very sick because I had a deep tissue massage on Friday and I neglected to drink 20 litres of water and I was super dehydrated. Ha. Sunday was my birthday and I ate a cookie during church and then I saw some family. My middle brother ended up coming! He is making some changes to his life and he's doing so well. It was really good to see him.

I went to Heidi's after the family gathering. I decided to go out and get sushi because I was hungry and I like to eat every day. I drove and on my way back I was involved in a hit and run with a pedestrian. I was at a red light as it turned green I started to drive. I didn't see anyone in front of me and then bang! This girl ran into my side mirror and then continued running to the sidewalk. I waited a few seconds to see if she was alright and then she kept on running. I was upset because she could have been hurt. But she ran into me. I tried to track her down but I couldn't find her. Happy Birthday to me.

Yesterday I convinced Heidi to hang out with me yet again. I wanted to find a top for a skirt for a function in a few weeks. We went to the big mall. I found a jacket that looked very promising. I went to try it on with a skirt that I brought from home and then realized that I didn't have my bag with me. I freaked. I retraced my steps and eventually I went to the right store and it was behind the counter. Whew. That would have sucked. The jacket worked. The outfit is now complete. I am ready to party in a fancy kind of way.

OMG

2008-06-26T19:28:00.002-06:00

Hey you effers, do I have a story for you! I have been quite stressed the last week and a bit because some I know was getting a really large chunk of money as repayment for being abused as a youngster. I was able to support him through the process of getting his ID (not his id - it was already there), paperwork, walking him to the Service Canada centre, etc. I was quite concerned because a large amount of money could sure kill a person with addictions issues. He came in on Thursday sober and with his partner. His cheque came in that day. Together we went to the bank, opened an account, put almost all the money away with a little left over for a couple of bikes. It was perfect. Thank you God. I think that may be my first good story ever.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2008-06-24T16:26:00.006-06:00

It’s almost been a year since my last birthday party. Yes, it is that time of the year when I cry a lot and feel disappointed with both myself and the world. I had high hopes for this past year, but it turned out different that I had expected and hoped. This year was a year of waiting. It was the unseen progress stage of a number of projects. Things have happened, but I have yet to see the results. I am one impatient dude. My work, my volunteering, my housing. I've been waiting on these major areas and am still waiting. I am sure that I will see a lot of changes in the next year. I better. Or else...
On a happier note, friends are letting me have a party at their place. I haven't planned a party since I rented the hall for the airband party - more than a year and a half ago. I am so excited. I am making cake, and bringing my punch bowl. I made a music list. Maybe this time next year I will throw a party at my own place with a yard. And a baby. I mean a puppy. I mean a new pair of jeans.

Hollywood Ending

2008-06-13T23:40:00.002-06:00

My best friday ever was today. It included driving all the cool kids to our work retreat at the lake; watching a crappy movie with Jess about regatone; dancing with Jess to regatone; enjoying some spirits with Jess; communion with Jess and Jesus; Jess sleeping on my couch as I type. I like having friends. I am tired and am impressed with my ability to spell and push most of the right keys. I probably shouldn't publish this, but I probably will...right after spell check.

FORE!!!

2008-06-12T20:34:00.003-06:00

I went to the library this evening and the cute boy was there, and so were some books. I the went to the mall because it was open. I was wearing a nerdy sweater vest and I decided to look for shorts. I tried on a pair of plaid shorts, and with my vest and "make me puke they're so cute" socks with pompoms on I looked ready to hit the greens (or a more appropriate euphemism for going golfing). So I bought those shorts. My summer wardrobe is now complete. I can't wait to make some golf jokes. I can not wait.

Flew the Coop

2008-06-08T19:45:00.006-06:00

Okay, so my 2 posts in one day is an obvious sign of my high level of emotionality. I'm a deep feeler and I am home alone. Cut me some slack.

We are not going to form as a cooperative. It just happened. One of our members sadly informed the group today that she doesn't feel right about joining the co-op. So we took 2o steps back and started from the beginning and decided that with the smaller group that it would not be unreasonable to buy a building with a shared mortgage as joint tenants (or tenants in common - I'm not sure which one yet). It can happen quicker, and we won't need the help of the consultant. We don't have to become a legal entity. It will be simple. We each need to get pre-approved for a mortgage and then we can look for a building while HS tries to sells her place. We buy a building and then we move in and live happily ever after until someone decides they want out. Awesome? Yes.

I sometimes have a hard time deciding what I want and what I think I should want. I really thought that I should want to do something noble and good and giving like start a continuing co-op where people for years ahead will be able to have good, affordable housing. That is a good thing to want. But what I really want is to make an investment to help supplement my small wage at my noble and good and giving job. I am not a saint. I am not perfect. And, I have an overwhelming student debt.... I am excited because the building will still be focused on community, simplicity, sharing, and dance parties. I will just be slightly better off financially in the end than I would if we did the coop thing. I feel good about pursing this want. It's not like my want to drink Starbucks coffee, or to buy cute clothes from the mall that was made by children in (fill in the blank of country). I don't think this want will hurt anybody, it will just help me be able to eat my seven dollar bread into the future. Phew.

Magic/Real

2008-06-08T15:38:00.002-06:00

Islands really are forever. No joke. There is just something about pretty pop with dark, creepy lyrics that really touch my heart. Sigh. And I got my first crush on a rapper. His name is Despot and he is funny and uses his fists well. What more could a girl ask for? It was an admittedly short-lived crush. It ended when he came went back on stage without a shirt on. I prefer boys that are fully clothed. It was a good show with big egos.

(ps. I have not yet gone to boston pizza or moxie's. I did sit in a quizno's, but I had sushi in my purse for later, so I didn't have to think of a month long stomach ache just to fit in...).

Working for the Joy of Giving

2008-06-07T16:29:00.003-06:00

True story. Yesterday I managed to leave work early and I decided that I wanted to eat pizza. I can't really do the Kinnikinick pizza crusts that Prego uses because it has a lot of corn and tapioca in it. So I decided to make my own. I was going to let the yeast do it's thing while I got some cider. What better to accompany not-quite-pizza than not-quite-beer?! As I was putting the yeast back in the fridge I realized that it was (drumroll.....) AMARANTH! Oops. I would have been waiting for a hell of a long time for that to rise. I drank. I ate. I was merry.

I am starting to feel settled in life once more. It's a good feeling. I go through the motions of work without much emotion. Neutrality can be very very comforting. I really like changes, and we're having some physical changes with our buildings at work. I think that may have something to do with my contentment. Plus, our housing co-op group (On Earth) has met with the consultant once and we're making some head way. We are meeting again tomorrow to work on vision statement and goals. It's exciting.

On a side note: I am going to see Islands tonight. Jealous? And my friend for almost 10 years, Jeff A is coming down tonight. Most of the friends that I've had for 10 years I get to see at least weekly. But not Jeff A. I almost never see him. We don't have anything in common and I think it's funny and nice that we still are friends. He is someone who is very good at keeping up friendships. I bought a loaf of bread and a frozen pizza with meat on it for him. I tried to think of things that I really wouldn't like and then thought that there was a good chance that he would like them. That's kind of the way things are with us. We don't like the same music, movies, food, or activities. One time I took him to the SugarBowl for supper. Nothing too out of the ordinary there. Comfortable atmosphere, meat and veggie options. I thought that it would be a good option that would please us both. I was wrong. I am not going to Boston Pizza or Moxie's. I will not. I wonder if he reads my blog. (hi Jeff. xxxoooxoxo)

On another side note. Crosby Stills Nash and Young break my heart. Everytime.

Why You Shouldn't Do Drugs

2008-05-28T14:24:00.000-06:00

The following conversation is an example of why you shouldn’t do drugs.
ME: Listen dude. When you’re sober we have good conversations and we get along well. When you’re drinking you kind of creep me out, and annoy me by following me around. Do you understand what I’m saying?
HE: (nods head)
ME: Okay, what did I just say?
HE: I’m a very beautiful woman.
ME: What? No! I said we get along when you’re sober, but I don’t want to talk to you when you’ve been drinking. What did I just say?
HE: I am beautiful.
ME: No! You are not listening to me. I am not going to talk to you when you’re drinking.
HE: Why do you always get mad at me?
ME: (anger rising)
HE: When I am going to feel you up?
ME: (quickly leaving room so that I didn’t kick him in the crotch).

Listen kids, drugs cause brain damage. Don’t become a HE.

Look at that Hare!

2008-05-28T09:18:00.004-06:00

Last night I had a dream about some guys from high school. Guys that I was not friends with in high school. I was somewhere and I noticed on the tv these guys were in a music video. I remember referring to them as a boy band even though they didn't dance and they played their own instruments. They were this band that was some how discovered 10 years later. They weren't making music now, it was from high school. I thought they were so cool. I ended going to some release party and I hung out with them. And then my long lost college friend Jeff showed up (probably because he called me last night). It was a funny one.
I think some of the boys were Jason T, Jeff J, maybe Craig B... really random guys. I did paint yesterday. Maybe the dream was an after effect of the fumes.....???

Stop Look and Listen

2008-05-27T22:10:00.003-06:00

The other day, I went for a quick walk to the corner store to pick up a paper to check out garage sale listings. I was smart and did not go to any because, let's face it, I already have all the crap a girl could want. As I was approaching the store I noticed a small group of people. I usually try to avoid eye contact, because I know a lot of people in the hood, but I don't want them to know where I live. As I made my way closer, one of the guys yelled out: look at that girl! It was funny. It was the best heckle I have ever heard. I didn't feel dirty. I mostly just giggled. But it did get me thinking...maybe I should stop wearing my tube top in public.

The Art of Being Ugly

2008-05-22T16:42:00.006-06:00

I have been looking for old photos of myself for a slide show for our 10 year high school reunion. Fun, fun, fun. Apparently I was a pretty baby, I then became cute up to about age 9. That's the year I got glasses and by that time my hair (specifically my bangs) began to be routinely tortured by perms. No longer cute. The ugliness continued until about the age of 21. I think depression and my general sense of not wanting to be largely contributed to the ugly. Now, I don't want to sound like I'm challenging God or anything, BUT seriously...adolescence was a mistake, right? What an awful awful time. By grade 11, I had a firmly established friend group that were really really great. I didn't look good, but I felt pretty good.

I have been pouring through old photos and looking at my brothers when they were little. It makes me sad to think of things that they are now dealing with. I am also quite sad because they used to really like me. I feel loved by my family, but sometimes it would be nice to feel liked and understood. Ugly remnants have stayed and hardened me. I am not easy to know. I spew out facts, often without discretion, but manage to remain cold and reserved. I know it's not all my fault that things are the way they are, but I sometimes just really wish things didn't suck so much.

My Ears Popped

2008-05-21T11:21:00.002-06:00

Although this is no longer a body blog, my effing ears just popped. I have tried the cover the nose and blow strategy since high school, and it just doesn’t work. But due to my chronic dizziness/unbalance, I decided that it was time to take charge. The Eustachian tube clearing exercise only does so much (tug up and out on ear, and with opposite hand massage down side of neck to shoulder blade). I read a description of an exercise: take a breath in, and pinch nose as you blow out. It is the same stupid exercise as cover your nose and blow out, but it now works. I do it differently some how. I am excited. I may still have problems, but I now have another exercise. Yip!
I had an extended long weekend. I worked half days both Thursday and Friday, Monday was a stat, and I took Tuesday off. It was good. My housemate is on vacation, so I spent the weekend not fully closing the bathroom door and flushing the toilet only when necessary. My water consumption is almost manageable. I went for walks, and watched tv, and organized some papers, and saw some friends, and planted some flowers, and pretty much just chilled and it was awesome. And I’m not so dizzy now that I have learned how to pop my ears. Yip! Yip!

Do It

2008-05-14T16:58:00.003-06:00

Today I started a blog about my body. Try to find it. I dare you.

So Sensitive

2008-05-13T18:20:00.003-06:00

Just got back from the naturopath, and I am sensitive to tapioca. So that's why I vomited after bubble tea. I'm glad to have this knowledge, but I don't think there is any prepared bread that I can eat now (I even checked an organic bakery nearby, and the gf bread was a no-go). I'm going to have to find a new gf flour recipe, now that corn AND tapioca are off limits. I wasn't so sad this time. I think I'm going to stick it out until I'm done the desensitization treatments.

Grandfather, Foreskin

2008-05-11T18:43:00.004-06:00

Wowee! This morning, I walked and dropped some items off at the library and then I took the bus to church. During my adventure, I listened to Half-Handed Cloud, and was in love. I mean, how I could do anything but love? "After dark he really likes to whisper/into hair that covers up our ears" (Eyes Peeled) (Okay, I admit that link sucks, but it's the only one I could find with that song. Here's a choke on your tears adorable video). I may not be able to engage well with the Creator during church services, but give me some indie-pop and a comfy pair of kicks, and we are in business. The Scripture reading was about circumcision, and I was all like: what? I was listening to hhc this morning. Jesus, is that you? Man, what a day!

Ps. I think I may try to stop using dirty words so much. No guarantees, but I'm thinking of it. I think the first one I will try to cut out starts with an "s" and ends with a "hit". Even while I'm typing I know I will fail. Okay, so I will start with damn, dammit, and dammed. I don't like those ones anyway.

Someone's Crying, My Lord, Kumbaya

2008-05-08T19:52:00.008-06:00

I have been seeing my naturopath every week for the past few months for this allergy desensitization stuff. The last 2 times I have felt very very sad during the session. I am having a hard time discerning where this sadness is coming from. Part of it stems from the fact that I have been doing so much self care and cutting out foods and introducing other foods, and I'm still not feeling great. But I think it could be more than just disappointment. I want to honor what my spirit is telling me. Maybe it's time to to stop seeing my doctor for awhile. I just don't know.

I saw some friends right after my appointment, and we had a good week/bad week night. We tell each other good things and bad things, things learned and re-learned, things the Creator has taught and how we've tried to ignore the Creator. I was feeling really low and I mostly just cried. My friends prayed for me and encouraged me and it was nice. Today, I got an email saying that some of my friends skipped lunch today and fasted and prayed for me. My initial reaction was anger because it's so annoying when people pay attention to me. And then I thought of how I would feel if someone else was given this treatment. I would be thrilled and exclaim things like: now that's what community should look like! So I decided to not be angry. So, friends, even though only two of you read this blog, I want to say: thank you. (Oh Lord, Jambalaya).

Fame

2008-05-06T17:54:00.005-06:00

Baugh! I am so grumpy. I accidentally got interviewed about a project and my name was in the media and I'm kind of in trouble at work. Baugh! I never wanted to be famous. Not true. I do want to be famous. I want to be internet famous. Ideally I will one day do something awesome. My awesomeness will be known by some people that I don't know. It will be the kind of infamy where you get back from the grocery store and you tell your friend, "I saw this local celebrity buying carrots. It was awesome". That's the kind of fame that I want. I want fame to follow my rules. I don't want to be famous for drinking too many martinis and then joining a riot and then getting assaulted by the police. I want to be famous for wearing shoes that are just too cute. Or for really liking dinosaurs. Or for having a really good idea. I don't want to be famous for accidentally giving an interview. Baugh! Fame why can't you just learn to follow the rules?!

Give Me an "A"

2008-05-05T20:36:00.004-06:00

I am on a library high. I walked there tonight and it felt like my best library visit yet. The older men played chess upstairs. I watched a group getting a tour of the ESL materials. It was just so pleasant. Plus, both of my library-related crushes were there. It was perfect.

Speaking of perfect, I met my niece this weekend. Her name is Lainey and I really like her. The last babies that I was closely related to were Jo-Jo and Mr. T. I was only 7 when they were born, and wasn't around them much for the first couple of months because they were so little and sick. I am generally nervous around infants - my hands are so strong, and I don't want to crush the poor baby. But I did it. I held her and didn't break her and we bonded and it was awesome. Awesome.

Hummus and By-Laws: They All Fall Down

2008-04-16T13:07:00.004-06:00

I received my new food processor bowl and blade today. I am excited to not have to think of the broken appliance sitting in my cupboard. I will now think of the functional appliance sitting in my cupboard waiting to make hummus, and chop onions when I am just too lazy.
Today my soon-to-be co-op booked some consulting time for next week. I don’t have the time or energy to figure out how to best set up shares and write our by-laws, etc. Now we have someone to help us. That is nice.
I am counting down the hours until tonight. I have a meeting about a separate project, and I am praying that the Creator will keep the decision makers on the same page. I get frustrated when people assume that I’m a kid from the way I look, but I don’t always feel fit for some of these adult responsibilities. How did I get this life?
Now it's time to talk about a case of the "crazies". I tend to have crazy experiences right before I fall asleep. I “see” things. Last night, I “saw” one of the walls in my bedroom fall down. It was pretty scary. I think I yelled. It took me a minute to process that I can't very well in the dark, and that my wall was still intact. I think it had a lot to do with the episode of “Arrested Development” that was on CBC yesterday. It was the one when they built the model home; during the ribbon cutting the house fell apart. Lucille and Uncle Oscar and the Blue Tobias. Man that show is funny.

You've Got Something on the End of Your Nose

2008-04-08T19:59:00.008-06:00

I have been realizing more and more that I have a lot of rules guiding my life. We all do, I know. It's just that I am becoming more cognizant of just how snotty many of my rules are. These rules include coffee, alcohol, food, clothing, music, tv, movies, shoes, pants, pants, pants, just to name a few. I remember meeting a really nice boy once and deciding within minutes that I could never date him because I didn't like his pants. I know. I'm sick.

The second last time I was in Vermilion, I filled up my car at the station on my way out of town. I decided to get a coffee. I don't do gas station coffee. It's not just because of the ethical issues surrounding coffee, it's because I don't do gas station coffee. I didn't even bring my mug, and had to use a paper cup. I tried to play it cool like I did that sort of thing everyday. You know, drive my car and buy coffee in a paper cup from a place that also sells air fresheners and pepperoni sticks. I thought I did a really good job of blending in. I tried telling this story to my folks the last time I visited. It was during the re-telling of the story that I realized that I have a little bit of the crazies. I think my taste is better than most others because I don't roll up the rim, and I think TH coffee sucks.

I have lectured friends on buying cheap alcohol. Music is an obvious one that many of us have succumbed to (does a "your favorite music sucks" t-shirt ring any bells??). I feel far too justified in my snobbery. Church music is another obvious one. Sometimes it's really good, sometimes I go to the bathroom three times. I have an attitude problem. The biggest part of my problem is that I like my attitude problem. It's become part of my identity and I find it comforting.

My predisposition to dislike things has been recently challenged. Now, this may come as a shock, but I started watching the television show "The O.C.". I tried to keep it under wraps for awhile because, without watching it, I believed that I disliked it. I thought the world was stupid for liking it. I believed myself to be a much smarter and discerning television watcher than the average O.C. viewer. Holy shit. What else have I missed out on??? I'm not intending on changing most of my snotty positions. Tim Hortons will always suck, and no one deserves to be drinking a ten dollar bottle of vodka. No one. But I might be missing out on things. Maybe I should just give myself the chance to like things. Maybe I would be better off judging a person based on their understanding of world events than on their pants.

(I'm listening to Danielson right now. How would you rate me?) Please still be my friends. I promise I won't judge your pants. Your alcohol, maybe. And your pants, but I'll keep that one in my head.

Garbage Season No More

2008-04-07T16:22:00.008-06:00

I am borrowing a table from a Chinese family. My former kitchen table was terribly rickety. I could have worked on it to make it wobble less, but I didn't. Instead I decided to spend time on this new table. It was a pretty beat up pine Ikea-esque little number. A bit of stain...and voila! This was my first time using stain. I'm excited about all the possibilities that have now opened up. I predict over the next 10 years that I will spend approximately 7 months staining things.

This new table was what I needed to reorganize my kitchen. It uses the space differently, and I got excited. I even organized my flours and finally gave away my popcorn and cornstarch. It was time to say goodbye for good.

I finally looked at my food processor. I tried to ignore it for about 2 years. Somehow the main blade got stuck in the bowl and it's impossible to get them apart. I tend to freak out about stuff like that. I would rather be spending my money on seven dollar loafs of bread and sneakers than replacing something

that I already have. I did a little search on the information superhighway, and I found replacement parts. I felt a sense of freedom with finally dealing with the stupid piece of plastic. I will no longer have a food processor sadly taking up room in my cupboard. I will have a happy, useful food processor taking up room in my cupboard. I am going to process so much food, just you wait. I just feel great. My place feels great. Even my fake pets feel great.

Could Not Be MORE Pleased

2008-04-04T14:25:00.002-06:00

I do not know how I managed to survive eight months as a full-time drop in worker. Holy heff. A couple of the full-time drop in staff were sick this week, and I found myself migrating downstairs to take some of the heat. Working in the drop in was hands-down the hardest job I have ever had. It wasn’t even super busy, but people were rowdy. Very very rowdy. I am upstairs today. That is nice.
I finished watching that show this week. It was good to get it done. I have my life back again. It was a very intense month of tv. I think I’m through with television for awhile, or at least until next Thursday when The Office starts again.
Last night I met with a few of my future co-op friends. It was great. Jessica is opening up a bank account for us today. I have really been appreciative of all recent tangible advancements in my projects. I feel like everything in my life is taking too long, and I’m feeling impatient and discouraged. But, we are opening a bank account today to pool together funds to pay for our incorporation fees, and for the consulting group. I have been dreaming of a housing co-op for years, and it’s finally happening. But it’s not how I imagined. It is happening without some of the people that I thought would be involved. I'm a bit saddened that the rules of marriage are keeping some of my loved ones from being my neighbour. I try to pretend that I understand. I don’t. It makes me sad, and I feel a bit rejected; but I have a handful of wonderful friends that are pleased to be my neighbours (and these kids know how to party). Now co-op friends, if you are reading this, do not be alarmed. I am very very happy that you are joining me in this venture. I could not be more pleased with you (unless, of course, one of you was a beautiful boy who likes talking about the ecosystem of (fill in the blank), and who finds me more awesome than weird. But, that is not the case). Friends, I could not be more pleased with you. I am excited that we're working together.
I am blogging instead of working. Today is the last day of a crazy crappy week, and I am writing this instead of case notes. Good for me. And because you all are so enthralled with my body-talk... I think that I may damaged my stomach with the chocolate/cheese/corn adventure over Easter. I was getting better and I feel like I'm at square one again. It makes me cry a little when I think of it. That was stupid. And tasty. And stupid. And tasty. But mostly stupid.

California Here We Come

2008-03-28T12:20:00.003-06:00

My short absence from blogging can be attributed to a number of factors.
1. I’ve been feeling busy. Now, I must clarify that feeling busy and actually being busy are not necessarily one and the same. It would not be unreasonable to say that I have not been that busy. I’ve felt a bit stressed out about a project, but that pressure has since been relieved. I tend to feel more busy when I’m stressed.
2. Easter. I was out of town from Thursday – Monday. Up from the grave he arose. There is no internet in Vermilion.
3. I’ve recently discovered a tv show. It’s about wealthy kids living in California. I was sure that I would never watch that show and that if I did, I would hate it. I think I saw about 10 minutes of it when it was on the air. I found myself borrowing the first season from the library. After each episode I would say something like, “this show is so good”. I am now addicted, and have purchased all 4 seasons. Not something I usually do, but it just felt right. If it feels good, do it.
4. Chocolate, cheese and popcorn. I don’t usually give in to cravings that have the potential to make me very very ill. But I thought, “hey, I’m feeling better, bring it on”. I brought it on, and have felt regret for over a week. I now know that popcorn is not my friend, and that I don’t know the meaning of moderation.
5. Hawksley Workman. He’s not actually a contributing factor, but I just wanted all you suckers to know that he was at the Winspear on Monday, and my socks were officially knocked off. What a guy! He played for almost 3 hours. I couldn’t help but compare it to that one time when I had a lapse of judgement, and found myself at the Justin Timberlake extravaganza. Hawksley had props (a mini drum kit and keyboard), and costumes (spacey antennas, and green jumpsuits), AND Timbaland WASN’T there, and the girl on stage was wearing clothes. What more could I have asked for???
The truth is, number three is the main reason that I haven’t been writing. All I do in my free time is watch that show. California….

You are Good

2008-03-11T16:56:00.003-06:00

Someone recently reminded me that I have good friends. And it's true. Not only are my friends good at being friends, they are also good at being people. An example from today: Andy stopped by my work to let me know that the voicemail system he was working on is ready to go. He told me about how Google and the city of San Francisco is providing SF homeless free phone numbers and voicemail. In response to my enthusiasm, Andy and some of his friends have worked on setting up a voicemail system for the homeless of Edmonton. Right now we need to find the $ so the system can move out of his friend's basement. Yup. I have good friends.

Things You Should Know About: an update

2008-03-09T17:13:00.002-06:00

My new purse has done me well so far. I used to it to carry gluten free crepes, fruit, and drinks to Sarah's birthday party. She had a crepe party, and I was planning on doing the usual eat before, and drink a glass of water slowly to not draw too much attention on my high maintenance diet. Instead, I made some crepes at home. I imagined that they would be a disaster, but I was wrong. They were simple and turned out well. 1 cup brown rice flour, 3 eggs, 1/4 to 1/2 cup water, and 1-2 tablespoons oil. I will definitely be making them again.

The fundraiser went well. Although we had a ton of help cleaning up after the event, I wasn't able to catch the end of the show. Heidi is perfect. She is our #1 volunteer. High five!

The documentary isn't until tonight. I hope that I can convince someone to record it for me.

I still like cookies.

Update concluded.

Things You Should Know About

2008-03-06T16:58:00.006-07:00

1. The House of Bags is moving to WEM. The last day they are open in Chinatown is March 20. I went there today and bought a bag. I recommend you do the same.

2. There is a good sounding documentary on Sunday night on the Passionate Eye. Warning: it's about street people, and we will all likely love it. Warning: if you have cable, I will be asking to watch it with you.

3. Candeo is holding its second annual dessert night fundraiser this Saturday. We would prefer that you rsvp, but we will accept a few last minute stragglers.

4. Not that I want to compete with Candeo's fundraising efforts, there is a show that I hope to catch the end of. Mark Templeton is playing his last show in Edmonton for awhile. We should all go after the fundraiser.

5. I like cookies. I really do.

6. Happy birthday, Sarah D. Happy birthday.

For You...

2008-03-05T11:18:00.001-07:00

When I got in to work this a.m. I had eight voicemail messages. Very manageable for being out of the office for a day and a half. Two of them were from this guy who calls me quite frequently when he’s inebriated and not incarcerated. The first message was that he missed the sound of my voice, and that he wants to dance with me. The second message was a continuation of the dancing theme. He played the Fleetwood Mac song “Songbird”. I find him more funny than creepy, so overall it was a somewhat pleasant experience.

Kick Me

2008-03-04T17:16:00.003-07:00

I took today off because I am going crazy and I need a break. Yesterday I decided to spend most of today writing for my non-paid job (volunteering - ever heard of it?). Instead I slept until until 8, cleaned the house (finally), went to the naturopath, and then went to the mall. I was looking for a white blouse, but instead I bought my second pair of kicks in two weeks. That's right 2 pairs in 2 weeks. I may have a sneaker problem. I now have three pairs that are the same, but in different colors (brown/yellow, pink, and now black/white). They are all pretty much awesome. Augh!!! I am so unproductive.

Scratch Another Back, Scratch a Back Next to You

2008-03-01T10:34:00.004-07:00

My life has had the distinctive feel of lack of adventure. It has been this way for about a year or more. I have been fortunate enough for a number of summers that included a little out of town adventure - often on my own. Due to lack of funds and a lack of destination, my adventures have remained quite local and, well, boring. Not that I have been bored for over a year, I've just had an itch that remained unscratched. I have had the opportunity for a mini-adventure this week. An acquaintance, who I will now call my "friend" invited me to take part in a film project that he and a friend (for this posting will be called "friend 2") were working on. I tried to heighten my sense of adventure by asking almost no questions, and by imaging unfortunate things. For instance, there was a point where I was standing a few feet from the top of a hill, and trees were blocking my view to the top of the hill. Friend and friend 2 were doing something in the car. I kept on picturing them driving away leaving me stranded. Later we drove by a "Curves" and a laser hair removal place. I imagined them trying to convince me to go for a Curves 30 minute workout and then get some lasering done. As I'm writing it, it doesn't sound like it would actually increase the adventure - but you weren't there. The questions I did not ask included: are you filming now, why am I here, and would you like to be my friends? I really get a kick out of ambiguity from time to time. I found the unknown exciting. Now, I'm not saying that the itch was entirely scratched, but it's a little more manageable now. So friend, and friend 2, although you will never read this, and we might not actually be friends, thanks for the adventure.

(Now it's time for a R&A's breakfast with my girls! Yes!)